Shocking news coming straight from Argentina has some, if not all, members of this obese nation wondering if their weight problem could be the result of large tumors. Rather than taking responsibility for their bad eating habits, many have began to look for other excuses as to their larger than average girth. This South American woman’s predicament has only fueled America’s desire for alternative reasons for diabetes and other obesity related diseases, like syphilis. This 343-pound woman was steadily gaining weight over the past year, and it turns out, it wasn’t the massive intake of foods, but a tumor that was growing inside of her. Although her lack of exercise and self-control may have been partially to blame, according to her, it is primarily the fault of the rascally 56-pound tumor.

The backlash from this story is astounding. People across the nation have been rushing to doctors and pediatricians in hopes of finding tumors. Many Americans have been exposing themselves to high levels of radiation, with the intentions of creating some sort of cancerous tumor that can solve their weight problems. It has become so widespread that tumors have become the number one present requested by fat kids from Santa. There seems to be no end in sight, as blaming others for self-caused problems seems to be the new social norm. Simply put, we are always the victims, never the perpetrators.

However, this is only the start. The near, foreseeable future only looks worse. Soon, the fatties of the world will begin to team up to blame the military for obesity. Why? Well, according to the leader of the Tumor Related Obesity Epidemic of 2010 (TROE ’10 for short), it is “because the manufacturing and use of nuclear weapons has caused tumors to be more widespread that in the pre-nuclear years. After years and years of testing, the resulting nuclear waste has caused tumors and obesity worldwide.”

Marching with signs saying, “We’re here, we’re fat, and we’re hungry,” it seems as if their movement has reached a new level never expected before. The only thing left for us to do is to hide the Twinkies and pray that we aren’t the next to be eaten in their murderous, tumor related obesity rage.

Just when shop class was becoming a drag, a New Hampshire teen decided to spice things up with a couple clamps, some electricity, and a pair of nipples (his own of course). Kyle Dubois while attending shop class, taught by Mr. Thomas Kelly, attached clamps to his nipples, while another student plugged in the other end, sending severe shocks into Kyle’s body via his nipples. This self-inflicted injury, completely and totally void of any other’s negligence but his own, has caused his parents to see the need to sue the school and all others involved in the incident. Some may say it was Kyle’s own stupidity that caused this, but without sufficient research into his history, there is no real way to determine this. Luckily, we have had the pleasure of conducting an interview with the post-injury, half-retarded Kyle, and as it turns out, it may just be his past that influenced his actions in this disturbing episode.

You see, as a child, Kyle was severely beaten by everyone around him. So much so, that he eventually began to enjoy the pain. At age five, he was already racking himself on handrails across New Hampshire. However, this could not satisfy his masochist needs; he needed something more. By his early teens, he had found something that most would consider disturbing; however, for him, it was purely sexual. He would take various objects and insert them into the various orifices of his pre-pubescent body in hopes of inflicting as much pain as humanly possible. Unfortunately, this can only satisfy a growing boy for so long, and he soon began to show interest in other areas of an electrical nature. This influenced his enrollment in his electrical trades class where, well, things didn’t go as planned.

As you can see, it is not Kyle’s fault in any way, shape, or form for his actions. He cannot, and will not, by held accountable for his actions, as his past has been detrimental to his decision making process. It is totally the fault of the school and everyone else for the actions of this teen, and it is time they be held responsible for their gross negligence.

It seems like what was once the greatest show on this and any planet, American Idol, is beginning to fall apart at the seams. First, it was Paula Abdul’s departure that had America and the world up in arms, worrying about the future of the planet. Luckily, she was replaced by someone of equal or lesser intelligence, Kara DioGuardi, and the world’s worries were relieved. However, not soon after, Simon Cowell began talks of taking his douchebaggery elsewhere. He was soon accompanied by Ellen DeGeneres, the female equivalent of Macaulay Culkin; however, she and Simon exited shortly after, followed by the most recent Idol quitter, Kara DioGuardi.  (Although Simon’s departure from American Idol was subsequent, some say that it may have caused 9/11.)  Nevertheless, some may have forgotten that there is still one remaining judge left, and he could quite possibly be the answer that everyone is looking for. That man is Randy Jackson.

That’s right, the big “dawg” himself, Randy Jackson, is holding American Idol and the world together as a whole; and all without the help of Steve Perry. While the world was asking questions like: “Is there any reason for life to continue?” and, “What else is there to live for?” Mr. Jackson was asking for a hot dog and a coke; because he’s fat.

But many still have concerns as to whether Randy is up to the job of holding our planet together when it is headed for sure doom; however, there is no reason to worry, he is more than capable. When life gives randy lemons, he takes those lemons and mixes them with sugar and other ingredients to make himself a cake; another fat joke. Randy Jackson, when asked about his perilous mission was quoted saying, “Dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, I miss Journey.” Needless to say, Randy is a true hero, and the only thing holding us together as a society.

Welcome to the third edition of Ask a FAKE Doctor: Plague Series. I am Dr. J. Holbrook and joining me to talk about The Third Pandemic is Plague Scientist T. Flamerson. We will be discussing the impact and legacy of this particular plague compared to the others recently discussed.

Holbrook: Welcome, my true and worthy colleague. The Third Pandemic killed more than twelve million people in China and India alone. Which country do you think had it coming more? Read the rest of this entry »

In case you didn’t hear, some dickwad, James L. Lee, took people hostage at the Discovery Channel in order to force them to change their programming in order to help him complete his crazy person goals.  Inspired by Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth, Lee decided that his only course of action to save the planet was forcing The Discovery Channel to change its lineup to point out the error of our ways and force us to change our lives or even just end our lives.  Apparently he didn’t realize Discovery Channel’s audience outside of Shark Week. Maybe they didn’t go along with it because they had trouble seeing his vision. We all know how uninspired Hollywood is now-a-days.  And that’s where we, the internets, have to come through and help paint a picture of his vision.

You can see his long set of demands here: http://tmz.vo.llnwd.net/o28/newsdesk/tmz_documents/0901_demands.pdf

To summarize his points:

1. Shows based on Daniel Quinn’s “My Ishmael”, which expounds upon Lee’s causes of environmental destruction, the perils of overpopulation and the power of human inventiveness

2. Show to discourage human reproduction (Look at his picture, it may have stemmed from no girls wanting to have sex with him, turning into rage wanting to make it so that if he can’t have sex NOBODY CAN!)

3. Anti-war shows and stop encouraging people to make babies

4. Show showing people are disgusting

5. Shows to stop immigration

6. Find a solution to global warming

7. Shows to stop food production

8. Show to discourage human reproduction/Possible genocide to reduce human population

9. Shows to dismantle the US Economy

10. Show to discourage human reproduction/Future War machines (He got a little sloppy here and mixed his messages about anti-war and anti-baby. Why didn’t he get an editor to help him clarify his message? Hello!  Points 3 and 10 are pretty much identical.)

11. Solve unemployment.  Yes, seriously.

So now we present to you the James Lee Discovery lineup! (After the jump)

Read the rest of this entry »

Dr. J. Holbrook here with an insightful edition of AAFD this week. I’m getting ready to show you the light . . . hopefully. Make sure you can read this clearly. If not, you may need reading glasses and a thousand dollars says that I know why.

Question: Is it true that too much masturbating will lead me into blindness? (Submitted by Jeremy Buchanan) Read the rest of this entry »