In 2003, Tommy Wiseau released upon the earth The Room. Made for $6 million, Wiseau was the writer, director, producer and star. The film was released to terrible reviews, claiming it made no sense, and it was an incredible flop. So why am I writing about it? Because it is that awesome.

The Room now plays once a month at midnight at a Los Angeles theater. It sells out all five screens. Wiseau will often appear for Q and A’s, spouting off Shakespearean sonnets. Tommy Wiseau looks like a drunken, ripped, longhaired Christopher Walken, and speaks with a Dutch accent. He claims he’s born and raised in America, and when asked about his background, he says “wrong question.”

A black and white billboard featuring just Wiseau’s face was a fixture on Highland Avenue in Los Angeles for nearly five years. This caught the attention of moviegoers and comedians – such as David Cross, Paul Rudd, and Will Arnett. From then on, the film became a cult hit and midnight movie sensation. Tommy Wiseau now claims the movie was always meant to be a black comedy, but … nobody really believes that.

The movie is about Johnny (Wiseau) a banker who is in love with Lisa. Lisa is a slightly chubby bitch who is having an affair with Johnny’s best friend Mark. Meanwhile, their neighbor Denny is in love with Lisa, likes to watch Johnny having sex, and near the beginning of the movie is almost killed by a drug dealer (this scene is never referenced again). Oh, and while never stated, this character may be retarded.

Scenes come in and out and are never fully explained. In one scene, four male characters stand around the apartment in tuxes (we don’t know why) and go outside to toss a football from very close distances. One character falls down, and he is never seen again in the movie.

Continuity errors are common and lovable. Characters will appear from out of nowhere, never explained. Wiseau, confused at the difference between 35mm film and HD, decided to shoot with both, in the same scenes.

And while most of the movie is set in one room, some scenes do take place on the apartment’s roof. And while it would have been easy to shoot on a rooftop, Wiseau instead decided to shoot with truly god awful green screen.

But what really makes this movie awesome is the experience of watching it in a crowd. The lines are long, the theaters are packed. Before my showing, a drunk man stood up, yelled that he’s seen the movie 22 times, and while “there aren’t nearly enough tits, the movie is full of awesome.” That’s all I needed to hear.

For no particular reason, the set of the film is filled with framed photographs of spoons. At midnight showings, whenever these pictures are revealed, audience members hurl plastic spoons at the screen. The audience repeats the best lines alongside the actors, such as “You are tearing me apart, Lisa!” (yelled by Wiseau with almost Brando-esque ferocity). Whenever characters appear with no introduction, the moviegoers will scream out: “Who the fuck are you?”

In one of the film’s greatest moments, Lisa’s mom drops by, tells her daughter to stay with Johnny, then announces, basically unprompted “I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.” This revelation is never revisited again. Except by audience members, who yell out “Cancer!” every time she touches her daughter.

The film is filled with four very long, very boring sex scenes, two of which consist mostly of close ups of Wiseau’s own white, bony ass. During the final sex scene, some audience members stand up in mock boredom, yelling out for others to take a bathroom break.

The movie only grows in its intensity, ending with a character blowing his brains out. Seriously. You’d have thought this would end The Room on a somber note, except the final shot looks at if several main characters are giving the dead man oral sex. I really can’t explain it. You’ll have to see it for yourself.

Don’t live in a city where The Room plays? You can find it on Amazon for ridiculously cheap. And then you can spread the word to others, telling them: Ladies and Gentlemen, you simply have not lived until you’ve seen the most awesome movie you’ve never seen. The Room.

Previously on Thane Economou’s Most Awesome Movies You’ve Never Seen series:

Zardoz

The Terror of Tiny Town

Thunderpants

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

The Big Hit

In the past, TNT has shown the World War II drama Saving Private Ryan unedited. But family rights groups are opposed to the realistic depiction of profanity and violence, and therefore are asking for the film to be censored.

A new trailer has been released for a happier, less bloody version of Spielberg’s classic film. In it, the soldiers go ahead and skip the whole Normandy beach thing and start looking for Ryan immediately.

Spielberg has shown enthusiasm for the edited, cheerful version. “Ever since I reedited E.T., replacing police officers’ guns with walkie talkies, people have been enthusiastic about the bowdlerized versions of my films.”

Parents’ groups are raving about this new version, now titled Where’s Private Ryan? They are claiming it is the best family movie since Space Buddies. It gets four halos out of five from The Family Coalition.

Michael had a strong Venus/Uranus complex?? This explains everything! Buy an IQ Membership on InfiniteQuest.com to resolve more of life’s impenetrable mysteries!

Just when you thought celebrities were too wise and all-knowing for this world—case in point: Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP—television psychic John Edwards unleashes something EVEN WISER and ALL-KNOWINGER. Because InfiniteQuest.com is not merely a comprehensive resource for all things supernatural—pooling resources from our nation’s preeminent astrologists, numerologists, physics, and bullshit specialists—it is foremost a mystery solver, the Sherlock Holmes of the human condition.

So in the aftermath of Michael Jackson’s death, while news networks were busy flooding the airwaves with the well-reasoned conjecture of good-lucking biographers and academics, John Edwards turned to celebrity astrologer Alan Oken.  This was an infinitely wiser decision.

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In an interview on “Today,” Jermaine Jackson said, “he wish he was the one who died,” sad thing, the rest of the world agrees.

As for the child molestation cases, Michael was accused of Jermaine Jackson was quick to say, “I’m Glad It Wasn’t Me.”

But if it was Jermaine Jackson and it wasn’t Michael Jackson we’d still be hearing about Farrah Fawcett’s passing and the loud ass man that yells and wakes you from your sleep, if you happen to leave the T.V. on. The next morning you have no idea why you just have to have some OxyClean.

Also there wouldn’t be 24/7 news coverage, no Breaking News. His death would follow the Breaking News of a police chase on an L.A. freeway. “And in other news, one of Michael Jackson’s brothers has passed away.” They wouldn’t even mention his name.

But if Jermaine was somehow lucky enough to even get a video played on one of the music video channels that has now become RTV, Reality Television, videos like this would play over and over again.

This is the future of flying.  Between the taking off your shoes, taking off your belts, and the See Through X-Rays that TSA will soon be using.  We will soon be flying the friendly skies naked.

Arrive at the airport in your bathrobe.  Then the choice is yours to either keep it on or off during the flight.  This man has the right idea, he’s just a little before his time like most geniuses.  So for now he can wait it out in a mental institution like Sarah Connor until the day arrives, and we realize that flying naked is the right thing for our country’s security.

People wanted history – so National Lampoon made history. (Or, at least, researched it.)

324 A.D.
The Battle of Adrianople : Constantine kicks the ever loving shit out of Licinius, who fled to Byzantium (which I’m assuming is some form of metal).

1754 A.D.
French Indian War : George Washington pusses out and submits a building called “Fort Necessity” to the French. Not only the first time the French won anything, it’s also the first time they have had anything to do with necessity.

1938 A.D.
FDR lights the eternal flame at Gettysburg : Old people around the world fall madly in love with him, young people find confusion in the similarities between his wife’s first name and his middle name.

1994 A.D.
“The deadliest day in Texas traffic history”: 46 people killed in automobile accidents while hurriedly rushing to blow things up in honor of their nation. It’s the only form of rear-ending that they find acceptable.