Children are crying across America this NYE (New Years Eve) on account of Charles Barkley, the hall of fame hoops player with a questionable fluency in English, was arrested for “purportedly” being drunk and operating a vehicle. Now, I put the quotes around the word purportedly because I saw this mugshot:

Followed by these receipts:

Damn Charles. Happy New Years.

The Jonas Brothers haven’t been clear for take-off in the zeitgeist of web bashery, with the exception of that one time one of them totally ate it on the AMA’s last year — remember? America collectively chuckled, then sobbed in empathy — but this video will more than justify the hope that they ever seize to exist on a musical stage forevermore.

If you’re brave enough, look for the Bros’ cover of John Mayer’s “Gravity” — putting it here would just make waterboarding look comfortable.

Howard Refuses To Date “Unclean” Women

Hustle & Flow star Terrence Howard refuses to date women who don’t use moistened tissue on visits to the toilet - as they are “not completely clean.” The Oscar-nominated actor insists potential female suitors must not rely solely on toilet tissues in the bathroom, and even goes to the trouble of advising any partners to make the switch to baby wipes if they don’t already use them. He tells Elle magazine, “If they’re using dry paper, they aren’t washing all of themselves. It’s just unclean. So if I go inside a woman’s house and see the toilet paper there, I’ll explain this. And if she doesn’t make the adjustment to baby wipes, I’ll know she’s not completely clean.”

When checking my daily morning links, I came across the above blurb on imdb.com. It’s a story that catches your eye, makes you do a double take, then… the crazy thoughts start running wild.

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We interrupt your holiday season to bring you these follicular developments, both from across the pond.  In royal news, Prince William has grown a beard in what is the universal attempt to disguise male pattern baldness by proving that growth can still occur, just not where you want it.  Previous hotness rating (out of 10): 8 (extra points for crown jewels etc.)  New rating: 7 (less royal, more Royal Mountie)

In teen heartthrob news, Robert Pattinson has shed his glorious Twilight locks for a more military ‘do.  Pattinson, chafing at the constraints of teen idol-dom, went against his contract which had a hair clause (as they all should) and traded his Flock of Seagulls look for a G.I. Joe look.  Previous hotness rating: 8 (hair accounting for over 50% of total score)  New hotness rating: 3.5 (looks like a guy from a Wanted poster)

Mike Huckabee’s former presidential campaign manager Chip Saltsman sent members of the Republican National Committee for Christmas the comedy album “We Hate The USA.” The album was in stock at Amazon and shipped in time for the holiday but according to those who received it, the comedy portion is apparently on back order.

Recorded by conservative humorist [sic] Paul Shanklin, the album is said to be a satirical spoof on The New York Times and includes the controversial song “Barack the Magic Negro.” Many have been outraged by the song but none more than Walter King of Oak Park, Illinois, the only living African-American magician in the U.S.

Sung to the tune of Peter, Paul and Mary’s “Puff the Magic Dragon,” “Barack the Magic Negro” is wildly popular on The Rush Limbaugh Show as well as at Klu Klux Klan day care centers.

Saltsman’s Chirstmas gift has been condemned by current RNC chairman Mike Duncan, who said he is “shocked and appalled” by the CD but went on to admit that at the very least, all 158 committee members now have something to regift next year.

Saltsman, who is in the running to become the next head of the RNC, told CNN in an interview Friday “I think most people recognize political satire when they see it.” According to a recent Lampoon/Zaz Report Poll, 67% of most people can recognize a passive-aggressive racist while only 33% are able to detect subtly nuanced political observation.

Among Amazon’s 2,143,399 album titles, “We Hate The USA” is ranked #146 while the site’s #1 comedy album, George Carlin’s “You Are All Diseased,” is ranked #37,937.