Film School: The 8 Most Prevalent Myths Created by High School Movies

by JP

 

I’ve always loved group projects in school, so I invited good friend and purveyor of awesome film knowledge Jon to asist me this week

In honor of the 2008 graduating classes in middle schools everywhere, we present to you, the incoming freshman class, the most prevalent myths found in films and shows about high school. Whether your realize it or not, you’ve been trained academically for the transition into high school since you’ve been 4-5 years old. Unless of course you went to public school. There you’re prepared for the lowering of standards to match performance and the disillusionment that comes with government work. But if your knowledge of high school was built upon what you’ve seen on the TV or at the friendly, local 50 screen IMAX theatre, we don’t want you to be decieved as my generation was when entering the 9th grade. Take some time during the summer to study our list and you’ll be ready for the social rigors of what sad and pathetic people will call “the greatest time of your life”.

Every live microphone will provide feedback.
Whenever an authority figure, nerd, prude, weirdo or otherwise uncool character is set to give a speech or start a musical performance, you will hear the piercing shriek of feedback cutting through the awkward silence or the mocking jeers of the crowd just as they begin. The noise usually only lasts a brief moment and requires a simple readjustment of the mic, or the problem just fixes itself, as opposed to professional audio support of any variety. Cool kids are immune to this phenomenon because of the strand in their superior DNA that also prevents acne.

Most egregious example: She’s All That

Fast forward to 6:12 and watch it happen to the principal, despite the fact that Usher had no problem a few moments earlier.

Relation to real life? True-ish.
Although it certainly happens, it is moderately rare to see. Presumably its use in film was a device designed to notify the viewing audience that a live mic is in use, but like a smelly Foreign Exchange student, it has overstayed its welcome. Instead filmmakers should consider the mic tap, which is an old stand-by in reality or film. Or to be more true to real life (and funny), the microphone holder should hold it too close or too far away to start and then readjust.

Slow claps
Something amazingly mind blowing has just transpired. So mind blowing, in fact, that nobody knows how to react. Until one solitary soul decides that a regular ovation for this transcendent speech or performance just won’t suffice. So they boldly stand up among the crowd and slowly, almost to the point of being classified as begrudgingly, begin to applaud the masterwork. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a slow clap.

Most egregious example: Lucas

:23, :45 and 1:40. Honorable mention to Can’t Buy Me Love.

Relation to real life? Completely false.
I’m convinced this has never actually happened without choreography, although YouTube claims differently. I’m still skeptical, as sporting events don’t count. However, this is usually how it turns out.

Freshman date Freshman
When I got to high school I was quickly and harshly introduced to the interclass dating system that exists in most high schools. Thanks to a lifetime of TV and movies, I assumed that I would have ample opportunity to date a fellow freshman upon entry into 9th grade. And when I was a senior, I’d naturally date someone in the same graduation year as demonstrated by my high school heroes. But as anyone that’s ever attended high school can tell you, that’s not how it works. At first glance, the bizarre dating hierarchy seems to be based on the maturity level of the parties involved. Upon further inspection, it’s actually a vicious evolutionary chain reaction based on the insistence of women to date older men who are “more mature”, “hold their liquor” and “don’t giggle like Beavis and Butthead when they see a picture of the San Onofre Power Plant”. So while the Prom Queen is off with Joe College, senior class beefcakes are left to target naïve freshman and tread near the fine line of pedophilia.

Most egregious example: Virtually every movie or TV show involving high school students.

Relation to real life? Patently false.
Directors don’t spend nearly enough screen time on the pseudo-taboo and somewhat creepy fascination that upperclassmen have with girls that don’t even have a learner’s permit.

Fashion makes the duckling ugly.
How do you know which people are popular and which are nerds? Their eyewear is usually your first clue. If there are any vision enhancers outside of contact lenses present, they’re definitely a nerd. If no eyewear is present, proceed to clothing style for official classification. If you’re seeing something 5 or more years out of style, then you’ve observed and identified an honest to goodness, grade-A geek. In a period of time where everyone is experiencing their most awkward and acne-filled years, outerwear and accessories are one of the few ways to truly stand out.

Most egregious example: Saved by the Bell

(Not at all related to my point, but enjoyable nonetheless)

Relation to real-life? False-ish.
This is getting less and less prevalent as style and culture are consumed by the masses thanks to a little something I call the internet. Now every social group wears roughly the same uniform, with a few modifications. And very few teenagers wear glasses anymore much to the chagrin of optometrists everywhere. So, writers may have to actually develop characters as opposed to just writing “wears glasses” in the character description.

Normal human beings can be stuffed into lockers
Whenever a bully and his cronies are done teasing a nerd, they have to decide what to do with him. To simply leave him standing there dejected as he ponders life’s cruel existence, while a cruel psychological punishment, does not fit the style of the standard bully. Since most of these altercations occur as the nerd is getting his books, the end result is the nerd being stuffed into his own locker. This symbolizes how he is closed off from the rest of society, wandering in the dark with no way to connect to others. It’s also an excellent way to humiliate that queerbait.

Most egregious example: Saved By The Bell

Relation to real life? False
Countless videos on Youtube show students stuffing THEMSELVES into lockers or being stuffed into a locker by a friend, but each one requires the stuffee to assist in contorting their body in the proper method. Even then, it’s damn near impossible to make it work when you’re calm and cooperating, much less when you’re panicking and trying to get away, even if you do decide to be submissive in order to get it over with.

What would be interesting and entertaining is if some bullies tried to stuff someone into a locker only to realize it was physically impossible, then beat the snot out of the kid in frustration.

Punching the high school bully can completely change your life
The kid being picked on never fights back until the climax of the movie. Sometimes one good punch to the bully is all it takes to end the torment forever and create a better life. In more realistic scenarios, the nerd still gets the snot beat out of him but earns the respect of his peers.

Most egregious example: Back to the Future

(This tells the whole saga of George McFly & Biff…if you speak French.)

Relation to real life? True
In this case I can speak from personal experience. Starting in about the sixth grade, I was picked on constantly. There were many offenders, but as is always the case, one particular person stood out. (In most cases, it’s the one that most resembles a troglodyte.) It wasn’t until the eighth grade that I snapped and unleashed all that aggression, releasing a punch that gave him a black eye. He didn’t mess with me ever again, and neither did anyone else.

Asshole jocks just have asshole jock dads
In your average high school film, the most significant jock character is always some kind of douche. (High school SPORTS films are an exception…kinda.) But if the film is trying to be a little more serious and make us feel sorry for the character, it always does the same thing. At a certain point he either interacts with or shares a story about his jerk of a father who’s also a huge asshole jock.

Most egregious example: The Breakfast Club (though to be fair, I think everyone copied it)

Relation to real life? Varies
There’s the old saying “the apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree,” but that saying was probably first said by an asshole. The truth is, kids are so screwed up in high school that there’s no telling what’s causing them to act that way. (Probably the rap music.) Yes, the majority of parents live vicariously through their children, but what filmmakers have failed to realize is that it’s usually in ways that they didn’t experience themselves. It would be interesting to see an asshole, super-pressuring father that was ENTIRELY un-athletic but very into sports and trying to use his son to be the boy he never was.

You can fake a subject you know nothing about in order to tutor a hot girl
It’s the most common ploy for the nerdy kid to get in with the hot girl: tutor her. (So that later he can “tutor” her, know what I’m saying?) But despite the fact that most nerdy kids are stereotypically smart, oftentimes this character knows next to nothing about the subject that the girl needs help in. He decides to do it anyway, figuring his lack of knowledge can be surpassed by his desire to make out with her.

Most egregious example: 10 Things I Hate About You

Relation to real life? True
While the end result depends on your own charisma, it IS possible to fake the subject provided that it’s something more fact-based than theory-based and that the girl knows hardly anything about it. For example, you could call out words of a foreign language or capitols of a city, but you’ll look like a fool if you try to explain math formulas and political theories you don’t understand.

I know this is possible because a friend of mine actually did it. But did he eventually make out with the girl? Only time will tell.

Please send your questions, comments and hate mail to jp@pyleoflist.com