Zaz Celebritology: Shia LeBeouf

by JP

Inspired by Voodoo Sabermetrics over at Babes Love Baseball, this is our unique take on hot celebrities. Every once and awhile, myself a crack team of experts will break down a celebrity in simple terms that everyone can understand and without bias. Take that Hollywood publicity machine!

This week: Shia Lebeouf!

Quincy- Career Ceiling

Shia’s career has started off on such a tear that it would seem the sky’s the limit. After working with the best directors Hollywood has to offer (Spielberg, Bay, Paxton, etc.), there is very little that is off-limits to him. Only problem is, no one has really liked him in any of these films. So the best thing he can hope for is career inertia, in which he keeps getting cast simply because he’s been cast before.

One of the main problems facing his career now is that he’s been in so many blockbusters that people will expect him to reach a level of stardom that he’s really not fit for. For example, whenever a movie comes out, there are pretty much two ways to discuss it:

1. “Let’s go see that new Shia Lebeouf movie.”
2. “Let’s go see Movie X.”
“Who’s in it?”
“Um….Shia Lebeouf?”
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

Shia’s definitely in the second camp.

So, if you add all this up, his career ceiling will probably mirror that of another of his directors: Emilio Estevez. Sure, he’ll be in some big, iconic movies, but ultimately it’s only a matter of time before he’s starring in National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 2 with Katt Williams.

SomaCow’s “1,000 lb. Weigh-In”

 

Oh, THERE’S the Beef!

The dangers of human cloning are no more apparent than in Mr. LeBeouf. Not that it isn’t possible he wasn’t grown in some Hollywood vat, nourished by a substrate of puppies, sunshine, starlet tears, and four leaf clovers. But, as men, we simply cannot allow more of his ilk to permeate the world. At least, not if we ever want to have a chance with the opposite sex again.

Shia’s life is sort of a recipe for nonchalant “Better-Than-You”edness. He grew up in a tough school, and breezed right through. Starting his acting career, he couldn’t afford a manager, so he just faked having one. He applied to go to Yale University, they accepted him, and he turned THEM down. Wicked burn. Imagine if we all lived that life?

“Hey, can I get a heart transplant? I filled out all the necessary forms, and I sure do need it!”

“Sure! Here you go!”

“Thanks, I don’t need it!”

He snags the best roles to the point where it now seems all of Hollywood is simply a machination designed to generate lines and scenes for him to act with. Summer blockbuster directors will not show up on set unless Shia has approved of the previous days’ dailies. Leading ladies have been spotted standing next to cardboard cutouts of Shia, practicing snuggling into the bony nook of his armpit, and shaving down their own heels so they won’t tower over his mousy good looks. Kevin Bacon spends hours fantasizing about how many links exist connecting him to this… Street Rat.

Don’t let his shiny surface fool you. Shia is not as nice as he wants you to believe. He’s sort of like Bob Saget, or Wayne Brady. All smiles and teeth when you see him on the screen, but would probably shank you for some lip balm if he found you in a dark Walgreens.

Jonathan Kuhn - Statement of Purpose and SNL Hosting Ability

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE
I, Shia LeBeouf, hereby promise not to be a Hollywood douche like everyone else my age. Well, not a typical Hollywood douche. Take my Chicago Walgreen’s incident, for example. Douchey? Absolutely. Typical? Not by a longshot.

First off, I’m in Chicago. I bet Lindsay Lohan doesn’t even know what state that’s in. Secondly, this was a Walgreen’s. Do you think any current Hollywood star my age would be caught dead in a Walgreen’s? Come to think of it, I don’t know why anyone would be in a Walgreen’s. I’d tell you what I was doing there, but unfortunately I have no idea.

But to get back to the point, if I never did anything slightly strange then I’d sort of be a douche because of that, right? Sort of a super straight-laced douche? It’s a “douche if you do, douche if you don’t” situation. But I promise to keep these things to a minimum. And when they do happen, they’ll be unique. (You might want to check out the Linens N’ Things in downtown Albuquerque next week.)

In my professional life, I promise to appear in as many movies as possible that desecrate things you loved in your childhood. Some people throw Indiana Jones and Transformers out there like I’ve just gotten started, but I’ve been working on this for awhile. And I’m not limiting this to tainting the memories of children of the 80’s. Hell, I’m not even limiting it to movies and TV shows.

Whether you grew up loving Hitchcock (Disturbia), reading Isaac Asimov (I, Robot), taking the Robert Kennedy assassination seriously (Bobby), or enjoying cartoons that didn’t have an environmental message (Surf’s Up), I’ve got you covered. When it comes to ruining childhood memories, I’m an equal opportunity offender. And I’ve got a lot more to come. As long as I keep Steven happy. Excuse me…Mr. Spielberg. As long as I keep Mr. Spielberg happy.

SNL HOSTING ABILITY
Shia’s hosted twice, with the second attempt falling into the sophomore slump category. They slumped so much that they put Shia in drag for a boring sketch. Drag isn’t funny on SNL unless the host is a proven man (see Garth Brooks, Derek Jeter, Janet Reno, etc.). In Shia’s case, it just made me realize he looks like a girl.

I’m sure he’ll host again, and I’m sure it will be better than the second appearance. But the two funniest things from his first appearance have very little to do with him. Sure he appears in the “What You Say” digital short (a parody of the The OC’s second season finale featuring the Imogen Heap song of the same name), but it’s the video that gets the laughs, not Shia.

Likewise, the only really important thing about the “Sofa King” sketch is the name of the store.

He’s good at goofy, aw-shucks characters and is totally willing to make fun of himself. Problem is, he doesn’t have enough of a persona to really make fun of himself. Now if he did a sketch in a Walgreen’s or about a weekend getaway with Spielberg, I’d be on board.

As it stands, Shia rates at 5 out of 10.

JP- Significant Other Index, Ghost of Hollywood Past and Too Much TMI Information

SIGNIFICANT OTHER INDEX

Shia is the kind of boyfriend that’d be very sweet and sensitive most of the time, but is largely unpredictable. He’ll buy you flowers and whisper sweet nothings into your ear one minute and then embarass you at swanky restaurant by taking loudly about intimate details of your relationship the next. Sure, there’s something attractive about that mystery and impulsiveness but those are not qualities you’d look for in someone you could settle down with. At his age, settling down is probably the last thing on his mind anyway. So fall for The Beef at your own risk, as his suitability for a relationship is as erratic as his tender lovemaking.

SOI SCORE: 27%

GHOST OF HOLLYWOOD PAST

Virtually every celebrity reminds me of another celebrity that has plied their trade in the Tinseltown, for better or worse. With his career trajectory and distinctly boyish good looks, Shia is C. Thomas Howell (LeBeouf’s reaction). Here’s hoping he stars in the remake of Soul Man.

“See you on Direct to DVD soon, LeBeouf!” 

TOO MUCH TMI INFORMATION

This one is easy. Ol’ LeBeouf soiled his trousers well past the age of acceptability, as confirmed by his Mom in the inteview. Whether he actually had potty training issues or this was some kind of ill-conceived comedic routine, its weird. In fact, I’m not sure which would be worse.