Pulling the Pork with Corey Mitchell

by Michelle McKee

 

To help Los Angeles Times best selling author Corey Mitchell kick of the release of his newest book, PURE MURDER, a few of his friends have been hosting a Virtual Book Tour for him. He has been dropping in on various blogs and web sites over the last several days answering our questions.

At the end of the tour readers will have a chance to win signed, personalized copies of all of Corey’s Kensington/Pinnacle books.  All you have to do is unscramble a few words in order to reveal a quote. You’ll find the Word of the Day at the end of each blog post in Corey’s virtual book tour (you can find the complete list here).  Unscramble all 15-words and be the first person to get the quote right along with the individual who said it and the books are yours.

My questions for Corey are based on a little Thanksgiving turkey he and I shared last year.  

Let the flogging begin!

Michelle McKee:
Corey, you’ve been called a misogynistic pig by some.  How do you respond to that? 

Corey Mitchell:
Thank you for reminding me, wench.

MM: No problem. Consider it a public service. 

Now, when you call me wench I think of jugs, and when I think of jugs I think of Raquel Welch (yes, I’m showing my age) 

CM: That’s okay. I like ‘em old and well-trained. You’ll do just fine, harlot. 

MM: That’s MILF to you my little piggy.   

CM: MILF,GILF, whatever.   

MM: When I think of Raquel Welch I think of the amusingly awful movie she did called Mother, Jugs and Speed, where she played neither Mother nor Speed.  Corey, which movie do you think is the worst of all time, the one that you just love to hate?

CM:  First of all, I can never hate a movie with any of those words in the title, “mother,” “jugs,” or “speed.” Besides, how can you hate a film with the aforementioned Million Years B.C. goddess Raquel Welch, Bill Cosby, Harvey Keitel, Bruce Davison, Dick Butkus, Larry Hagman, Valerie Curtin (Jane’s cousin) and Toni “Oh Mickey” Basil? That is one stellar line-up that makes total sense to me. 

MM: It would…

CM: As for the worst film of all time, I would have to say, hands down, Sex and the City. Have I even seen it? Hell, no. Will I ever see it? Good God in heaven, no. I’d much rather kill small puppies than see Kim Cattrall vamp it up on the silver screen. Whatever happened to the woman we knew as Honeywell from Porky’s? She used to have class back in those days. She should be spanked. 

MM: Personally, I’d rather stick my head in a wood chipper than see that movie.  But, given that you write about murder for a living I can see how you’d be into the brutality against helpless creatures thing…  I guess.. 

Moving right along…

Now, Mr. Pig, as you know pork is “the other white meat,” and it’s been absolute ages since I’ve had some good BBQ, so I’m wondering what type of BBQ sauce do you think would be the best to slather and serve you with? 

CM: Nothing beats the succulent taste of Stubbs Spicy BBQ Sauce from the legendary Stubbs BBQ in Austin, Texas. Of course, it should be applied liberally by two bikini-clad librarians in high heels, garter belts, and black horn-rimmed glasses. 

MM: I thought you had a thing for headless cheerleaders?  Oh well… 

So, would that be a rubber bikini or your mother’s bikini?

CM:  Ah, you’re not so worthless after all, wench. I think you might look decent in a bikini. We’ll just have to hire Denise Richards’s spray-on tan gal to cover up those unsightly liver spots and varicose veins. 

MM: You wouldn’t happen to have a decent recipe for misogynistic pig would you?  

CM:  Don Imus sent me a tremendous recipe that received stamps of manproval from Bill O’Reilly, Hugh Hefner, and Bobby Riggs. Only a select few superior males have been deemed worthy of the experience. I am not at liberty to give you the recipe; however, I can say that the ingredients put Ed Gein’s ulna stew to shame.   

MM: Sounds lovely.  However, do you really think something like “misogynistic pig stew” would really go well with Stubbs Spicy BBQ Sauce?  Personally, I prefer to smoke my pigs rather let them stew.  You wouldn’t happen to know where I might find a smoker large enough to hold you, would you?  

CM: I once had a 400-pound great aunt who smoked worse than Mrs. O’Leary’s cow. She used to caress me and hold me tight to her massive bosom, but I was forced to eliminate her  Maybe that explains some of my questionable behavior these days.  

MM: Probably explains a lot about the true crime book writing serial killer thing you got going on… write what you know.  You know?   

Moving on…  

Given that you’re an experienced true crime writer, and now we also find the killer of large breasted great aunts, could you please tell us which movies, video games, television programs and music we can hold responsible for the horrific murders not only in your books but also those which drove you to eliminate your poor old aunt?   

After all, I think everyone reading right now is more than aware of what THEY say in the news. Now granted, we never really know who THEY are, but I know we have all read what THEY say, and since THEY are always liberally quoted, and occasionally show up on Nancy Grace, I think we can all assume that THEY know what THEY are talking about. 

CM: If the usual fame whore face-placers had their say, THEY would probably say something completely asinine like “he had a dirty ol’ black Darkthrone T-shirt in the back seat of his sister’s boyfriend’s parents’ Eldorado so it is obvious that Norwegian Black Metal caused him to kill.  Also, I believe Q*Bert was still popular in the 90’s.” 

The reality, however, is that people who commit these brutal crimes are demented, cruel sick fucks who get off on attacking, raping and murdering their victims purely of their own volition. 

Talking head criminal “experts” are similar in that THEY get off on attacking the truth, raping common sense, and strangling to death any last remnants of reality or decency.  Some of them even like to accuse innocent people of being serial killers with no basis in truth. But, hey, at least the 24-hour cable news networks can fill their airwaves with non-credentialed bloviators of absolute hogwash.

MM: Now, now, Corey.  You know as well as I do that THEY say that various music, movies, video games and television programs are the primary instigating factors that form the precipice into these horrific sexually motivated crimes.

So who is it, Corey?  Who do we hold responsible?   

CM: Other than the Jonas Brothers? 

MM: Who should all of the cards and letters from concerned citizens be addressed to?   

CM: Santa is a good place to start. 

MM: Seriously, Corey, It’s what THEY say.  It’s the movies, for sure.  I know. 

And I bet it’s that bastard Eli Roth’s fault, too. Him and people just like him. Those damn imaginative heathens think they can create outside of the box and be accepted as productive members of society.  Bleh!!  It’s the fault of movies like that damn Thanksgiving trailer!  That’s where the blame belongs! It’s the fucking artists that are creating crime and criminals.  CUT OF THEIR HANDS!  PULL OUT THEIR TONGUES!  UNPLUG THEIR CAMCORDERS!  BURN THE BOOKS! 

I don’t care if I do have the choice to not have to look at the movies, read the books, watch the television shows, listen to the music - or really bad jokes… what else do I need to boycott?  Give me a minute..  Well, you get my point.  It all needs to be stopped once and for all.  It’s for the sake of “the children,” damn it!   

CM: You left out Lampoon! in your tirade.   

MM: What about Lampoon!?  WE are funny.  WE are NOT offensive! 

CM: Okay, well, first Thanksgiving is not a movie, you silly wench! 

But rest assured, if your movie is a holiday-themed slasher flick, you are guaranteed to raise the hackles of a certain few simpletons who will manage to get hired, yet again, by a network who must have fired their legal vetting team. THEY will scream that if you watch Michael Myers (the masked killer, not The Love Guru) grab a man by the throat with one hand and lift him two feet off the ground, you will inevitably do the exact same thing and impale a man with a 14-inch Ginsu knife and leave their corpse to hang on a kitchen door. 

Or, that if you play Grand Theft Auto IV you will suddenly change your name to Niko, drive cars at insanely high speeds, and go beat up some hookers down by the docks.  

MM: You know, THEY say Eli Roth is a misogynistic pig - kind of like you.   

CM: I am sure THEY would like to roast him over a flaming spit and serve him on a platter with a honey glaze and an apple to plug his oral cavity. Sort of like he did to himself at the end of the Thanksgiving trailer when his decapitated head was shoved into his anus and served up like a turkey. Of course, THEY all thought it was a woman that he stuffed, but, of course, THEY are wrong, as usual. 

MM: Liar!  The Uptight Ninny Brigade said it was a woman and the UNB is ALWAYS right.  By the way, did you know I’m a hacker? 

CM: Well, that explains the naked cheerleader wallpaper that showed up on my computer today and the subscription to Trampoline Monthly. 

MG:  You deserved it.  You’re lucky I didn’t throw up three images from the front page of our blog just so that you knew for sure it was me.  And then you could run around and call all of our friends and whine like the lying cry baby that I know you are.

It’s your entire fault.  If you hadn’t ticked me off I wouldn’t have touched your hard drive.   I’m a little perturbed that you never bothered to tell me that my assumption Eli Roth was a middle aged balding fat man who looked like a cross between Homer Simpson and Larry Flint was wrong.  You could have at least told me he was HOT, you f’ing bastard.  You only exercise your freedom of speech when it’s CONVENIENT for YOU.  Isn’t that right, Mr. Pig?! 

CM: I didn’t tell you because I knew if I did you’d head to Wal-Mart to buy a trampoline, throw on your headless cheerleader outfit and then show up at his door offering to show him your pompoms.  I know how you operate. 

MM: Do you think he’ll be my misogynist pig if I offer to be his cheerleader? 

CM: Hush hacker.   

MM: I definitely think I’m going to need a bigger smoker… 

CM: And if anyone out there believes any of this, you need to be smoking something different. 

MM: Big kisses and happy Thanksgiving! 

CM: If you’d like to continue to witness MG and I toss around the 1^st Amendment like a severed head, while she continues to blame Eli Roth for all of the world’s ills, – since we all know it’s his fault anyway, right MG?

MM: And yours – I read what THEY said. 

CM: click here.   

The “Word of the Day” is: GOT 

Be sure to catch the final tour stop on Corey Mitchell’s Pure Murder Virtual Book Tour tomorrow, June 20, at Corey’s MySpace. The pig will be answering questions from his fans and also giving away autographed copies of his books.