Reviews of Fundamentalist Movie Reviews, Part 4

by barrettbrown

You guys know what would be really fun? If we were to, like, read excerpts from movie reviews written by humorless religious zealots. So let’s do that. Okay? Sweet!

Snakes on a Plane

My Summary: Samuel L. Jackson is forced to contend with a plane full of snakes.

Movieguide: “Very strong and scary action violence with blood…”

Me: Action violence is my favorite kind of violence, so this doesn’t really bother me.

Movieguide: “…snake bites woman’s naked breast, implied snake bite on man’s penis and camera reverses viewpoint to show man grasping snake’s head on his crotch, snake bites woman in the eye, snakes bite arms and necks and faces and other parts of people’s bodies, man impaled, body sucked out of plane, large snake constricts man and starts swallowing his head, people chop or stab snakes, man bitten by snakes in airplane lavatory smashes the back of his skull against the wall as he convulses during snake attacks, gruesome snake bites and swollen dead bodies from snake bites, man tasers snakes, man’s shoots a couple snakes, people bat snakes away with luggage and laptops, snakes threaten baby, dog and two young boys, poisonous snake crawls into woman’s clothes, snakebite on boy’s swollen arm cut open and venom oozes out before woman sucks out the poison…”

Me: Let that be a lesson to the Snake Handlers.

Movieguide: “…Passionate kissing…”

Me: ….

Movieguide: “…effeminate male flight attendant has hot and sexy girlfriend…”

Me: Is this not the ultimate goal of the Christian ex-gay movement?

Movieguide: … “a couple [sic] plane passengers are rude to other passengers…”

Me: Okay, I think we’re done here.

Lassie

My Summary: A dog saves the day.

Movieguide: “…15 obscenities, including 10 uses of the British word ‘bloody’…”

Me: If there exists better evidence that language is contextual and inherently subjective, I’d like to see it.

Flyboy

My Summary: A bunch of American pilots do battle with the Krauts in the early days of World War I.

MovieGuide: “Very strong moral worldview about brave American pilots during World War I includes a heroic protagonist who becomes a very moral character as the movie progresses, with very strong pro-American content though one black character says the French have treated him better than his own country.”

Me: Apparently it’s now un-Christian to point out the rather uncontroversial fact that early 20^th century blacks had it better in Paris than, say, Alabama.

MovieGuide: “All the actors do a crackerjack job.”

Me: Thanks, Harry Truman.

Science of Sleep

My Summary: Some sort of goofy French romantic comedy. I’m opposed to it already.

MovieGuide: “…light comic violence includes man falls [sic] out of bed…”

Me: I wouldn’t want my kid thinking that falling out of one’s bed is some sort of acceptable “alternative lifestyle,” either. I’m glad I consulted MovieGuide.