Tuesday’s with Paranoia!

by travistack

Shia LaBeouf has said he was shocked when he discovered that the CIA have information about him on file. While researching a role, Shia met with special agents who showed him information they had on file and played back phone conversations of his that they had recorded on tape.
My sources indicate these are the agents who may somehow be involved in the arrest of comedian Ron White (another alleged celebrity wire-tap victim who was “suspiciously” arrested for pot-possession on an airplane after government representatives received an “anonymous tip”).

We here at the Zaz Report have been lucky enough to uncover some of the government file that was shown to Mr. Labouef. Which lead me to my next segment for this week’s article. “Celebrity Snippets from Government Wire-Tapping”

PARTIAL CIA PROFILE:
NAME: Shia “The Beef” LaBouef
AGE: RESTRICTED
HAIR COLOR: RESTRICTED

SUBJECT RESEARCH:
(The following are snippets from Shia Labeouf’s phone call that have been recorded by the United States government; for reasons unknown.)

Shia #1: “Dude… I think I’m gonna take some acid and go hang out in a wallgreens. You down? …. What do you mean ‘you’re too old for that shit’? You’re Danny Glover!”

Shia #2: “Hey, man… My hair would make for a fucking killer loufa. …Do you have any pot I could buy?”

Shia #3: “Mom, get Dad on the phone! It finally happened! It finally happened! I hit puberty! Also, apparently four out of five dentists recommend trident gum. Have you heard about this? It’s gum for god-sake! That’s craaaaazy!”

And, if government wire-tapping isn’t enough to scare you about the time we live in, now car-jackers are targetting Kate Moss, the Nip/Tuck stars think they deserve more money and Mario Lopez has vowed to stop taking his shirt off in photo-shoots because he wants to be taken seriously!
…What’s the world coming to?!!?

READ ON FOR MORE ABOUT: New Mexico Aligns with Batman, Megan Has Lesbian Sex with Strippers (among others), Amy Poehler’s Wacky Baby Problems AND Russell Brand says the magic words.

Democrat Bill Richardson, the governor of New Mexico, has Val Kilmer should be the governor after he steps down in 2011. He ACTUALLY went on records saying: “I like the idea. Val Kilmer is a New Mexican, he was batman.”

[Now… is it just me, or did Bill Richardson make it sound like being batman was from New Mexico? I think this is a cheap stunt to make New Mexico “the Batman State”. Although, I might be able to get behind this idea. It’s better than “Land of Enchantment”; and definitely better than their old slogans:
“It’s like Mexico… but Newer!”, and,
“Holy shit, we fought for this? There’s nothing here! It’s a mountainous desert! Why didn’t anyone research this first?”)

So; Megan Fox once dated a Russian Stripper.
Oooh! I know this game! This is “naming things that Megan Fox and I have in common”, right? Oh, man. This is a good game.
I pick: we both have brown hair and mediocre careers in entertainment.

To be honest; I don’t really know who she is. I’m not sure exactly how she got her career started; apparently, she’s been on Two and a Half Men.
Not the show - just in general.

In case you haven’t heard, Will Arnett and Amy Poehler’s wacky new baby will be interrupting Saturday Night Live!
Amy Poehler will have to leave the show so she can give birth; And I, for one, blame the baby.
I mean, GOD! WHAT THE HELL, BABY? Look what you’re doing to the comedy world! You should be ashamed of yourself. I hope you’re born with flippers!
(No! WAIT- No, I didn’t mean that! I swear! I’m sorry, Karma-God! Please don’t seriously mutate any children I may have in the future.)

Also, Russell Brand just said the magic sentence:
“A mistake that I will never make is to forget that there is a distinction between American foreign policy and the American people.”
All my internal urges are suddenly telling me that I must now find and kiss Russell Brand. Which is weird, because he used to make me uncomfortable when he did those TV spots for “1 Leicester Square”. (