10 Things That Are A Lot Crappier Than I Remember

by Garrett Hargrove

In case you got four words into the title of this article and got bored, here’s what this is.  Its a list of things from my childhood that I had incredibly fond memories of.  Things that made a big impression on me in some way.  Toys or movies that I, as a child really, really enjoyed.

Until I saw them again as an adult and came to the conclusion that I was a stupid, stupid, stupid child for liking those things.  Stupid.  The above stock photo is an accurate representation of my disappointment.

Some things this list is not.  This isn’t a list of things that I always thought sucked.  Like don’t write up asking why Snorks aren’t on here.  They suck.  They always sucked.  I always thought they sucked.  There’s no big revelation here.  Not going to write a list of how right I was to change the channel every time they came on.  And its also not a nostalgia list.  Don’t ask “why isn’t The Transformers cartoon movie on here?”  Because I have seen it recently and it is still incredible.  Orson Welles went out on a high note.

So, here (after the jump) are the ten things that are much crappier than I remember.

10. The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

They were gross.  They were collectible.  They were cheap.  They were innovative.  They were something your parents hated.

Those all combined to make Garbage Pail Kids cards the object of obsession amongst elementary school kids in the 1980’s.  There was no story behind them.  There was no villain or real protagonist.  It was just a series of pictures parodying mainly Cabbage Patch Kids in gross situation, with malformed body parts or just an inability to keep their bodily fluids inside their body.

Naturally, they lent themselves to a movie.

In the mid 1980’s, John Astin (Gomez of the Addams Family) had two kids in show business.  One was Sean Astin who went on to become Rudy, The fat Hobbit in Lord of the Rings, star os several Adam Sandler films and another casualty on 24 (sorry if that spoils it for anyone).  The other was MacKenzie Astin.  The star of an episode of “House”, an episode of “Lost” and “Celebrity Profile: Patty Duke”.

In 1985, Sean Astin landed the lead in a Spielberg produced movie called The Goonies.  There were pirates, gadgets, bank robbers, car chases and he got to do take after take kissing a cute redhead cheerleader.  It looked like a hell of a lot of fun to be in.  So, Mackenzie, feeling left out, demanded his father to get him into a fun family fantasy.  He probably have been a bit more selective.  Because he got The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.

And we can see what that did to his career.

I hadn’t seen it since the 1980’s.  It wasn’t re-released on VHS.  Or DVD for a long time.  Why would they be keeping this cinematic masterpiece hidden from the world?

Then… it finally came to DVD!  I couldn’t get it fast enough to see if it was still as glorious as I remembered.  And I tried to watch it again.  I wanted to do a full on in depth report on this film I remember loving as a kid.  But I couldn’t get through the first ten minutes before I started to physical pain at the sight of this film.

If you look up The Garbage Pail Kids Movie on imdb.com, there are two entries for its Trivia Section:

• The first ever movie to be based on a trading card/sticker series.
• Director Rodney Amateau’s last film

And that is really all you need to know about this film.

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9. Look Who’s Talking

Its sounds like a great concept.  What if we heard the unfiltered thoughts of a baby as he goes through a series of wacky adventures?  Comedy gold.  He’s pointing out what’s going on and we all see it, but its funny because its a baby saying it!  Like if a car goes by… boring.  But if a car goes and we hear the internal monologue of a baby and he says “Hey!  Look at that car go by!”  comedy gold.  Add to that a Star Studded cast!  John Travolta!  Bruce Willis!  Half of Kirstie Alley!  It can’t fail!

Imagine if they never said it was the baby talking?  If it was just a random guy same the same dialog or some omnipresent being narrating the action as we saw it.  It would be the most annoying thing in any movie ever.

Its rumored there is an X-rated version of Bruce Willis commentary he did just messing around.  That would be something to behold.  But no, this was all one big set up to the joke of the baby seeing a pair of huge breasts and thinking “Lunch!”  90 minutes for that obvious joke.  Well done.  There’s a reason even TNT doesn’t show this movie.  And they show everything.

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8. Dave Coulier

As a kid, we watched Full House more than we should have.  On paper, it seemed like a good idea.  The straight man father, the cool uncle and the comedy relief of the in house comedian, all raising three kids who apparently have no pent up issues about their mother dying from a car crash or cancer.  I remember they had this great dynamic.  Bob Saget would come in and point out something obvious.  John Stamos would come in, say something cool.  Then Dave Coulier would clear the bases with something clever and funny!  Wham!  Hit it out of the park with a super-sucessful comedy formula!

“Oh man!  He did his Bullwinkle voice!  Hilarity at its highest form!”  “He said CUT IT OUT, but he did it WITH HAND SIGNALS!  SO FUNNY!”

Now… I get sick to my stomach thinking that I may have ever laughed.  Maybe my parents slipped me some sort of narcotic that made remedial impressions funny. I’m hoping that was the case. In August 2008, Dave Coulier admitted that the Alanis Morissette song “You Oughta Know” might be about him.

I would like to rewrite the lyrics to accurately represent how I feel about Dave Coulier.  Original lyrics to compare by can be found here.

I think you blow.  I hate Full House
What ever made me like… that show?
A boring Comedian
Dated that crazy Canadian
Did your Popeye voice make her go down in a theatre?
Do you still live with Saget?
I bet people call you… loser
No more Bullwinkle! Can’t you do another?

Cuz the jokes that you told were not very bold
Could you make John Stamos laugh if you tried? No.
And every joke you told was lame
And just to think we were on the brink of having you replaced
with Bill Nye, or Steve Vai
or the ShamWow guy!

And I’m here to ask you
From everyone in all of the U. S. A.
To beg you, Dave
That you please not ever again say
Cut-cut-cut it out!

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7. Saved By The Bell

It started out as a little TV show called “Good Morning, Miss Bliss” in 1987.  It starred Hayley Mills of The Parent Trap fame.  She was a cool Junior High teacher named Miss Bliss with some crazy kids like Zack Morris, Screech and Lisa Turtle.  But nobody remembers those years.  They remember it when Hayley Mills left and they changed the title to Saved By the Bell and changed focus of the show to the ultra-cool Zack Morris before Mark Paul Gosselar tried to turn into Heath Ledger by growing his hair out and brooding.

He was flanked by AC Slater, Screech Powers, Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano and Kelly Kapowski.

I remember it being cool, funny and enthralling.  I sat down to start watching it.  Then… my mind started to melt.  Zack turns to the camera, breaks the 4th wall.  It was cool before.  But now… its just lame dialog.  But, what happened to the awesome clothes they wore?  They were slick and hip.  No, wait.  They’re neon with acid-wash jeans.  They same jokes are there, but now I realize the humor was all convulsion inducing puns like this one:

Screech: Once, my dad let me back his car out of the garage. Then he got mad at me.
Mr. Tuttle: Well Screech, your father was probably just nervous.
Screech: Well, he had a right to be - I forgot to open the garage door.
Lisa: I hope your dad had “dork” insurance.

“Dork Insurance”?  Really?

When asking most males I know why they liked the show, Kelly Kapowski often comes up as a primary reason.  And that is a fair, unarguable point. In fact, her inclusion in the show probably catapulted it to go on for another 6 seasons after she left.  I did still like those scenes.

But when I watch it now, every non-Tiffany Amber Thiessen scene is just boring.  Just seems flat.  Seems forced.  Even the scenes with Thiessen seem flat, they are still just flat.  But they’re flat scenes with the girl every guy wanted to date when they were in junior high.  And as Jesse Spano went on to prove in Showgirls having hot chicks is not enough to make something enjoyable.

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6. Candyland

“There is no optimal strategy, or indeed any decision making, involved in Candy Land. The moves are wholly determined by the cards, which are drawn in order. The only random chance element comes from each shuffling of the deck.”

Sure its meant for kids to teach them colors and counting, but its here because I was stupid enough to speak up and mention Candyland when someone said “we should buy an old board game and play it.  That would be fun!”  Then I was harassed for hours upon hours for wasting the other people’s time by picking the game that requires the user to do nothing but draw a card.  And if you don’t turn it into a drinking game… it is painful to sit through a round of this game.

So maybe it is my fault for not seeing the game was intended for 3 year olds, but still… its a lot crappier than I remember it being when I was a 3 year old.

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5. High School Bad Asses

Kiefer Sutherland… vampire bad ass in The Lost Boys and the evil Ace Merrill in Stand By Me.

Emilio Estevez… the jock in The Breakfast Club.

Tom Cruise… star defensive back in All The Right Moves. Gets to bonk Lean Thompson.

They all might as well be t he Lollipop guild at standing in at 5′7″ or less.

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4. Kid Cuisine

As seen here. That’s right.  All in the same carton you have fish, mac & cheese, ketchup and pudding and you nuke it all.  What could go wrong?  This.

Then, after putting the main entree in your mouth, it has a weird mushy texture.  Its not so much the overly artificial taste that scares you away, but more so the unidentifiable nature of the current substance in your mouth.  It might be chicken.  It might be fish.  But the problem is that those textures are so wildly different, you are worried about consuming any substance that falls in between those.  But don’t worry you can dip it in the “ketchup”.  Now you feel all safe about eating it.

The macaroni & cheese might contain an orange bubble gum substance in it.  And the vegetable has been cooked and cooled and repeated until it has no nutritional value left.

Then comes the pudding.  Normal pudding life is flavoring mixed with milk/cream and cool.  It definitely has an effect on the pudding when they warm it to cook it, then freeze it to ship it, then it thaws a little in transit to the store and to your house.  Then it over-freezes in your freezer.  Then you NUKE IT!  Then it gets scathingly hot.  Then it cools to room temperature as you gnaw on the rest of your meal.  Then you eat it.  And its a miracle if it doesn’t pass your tongue again.

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3.  The Bubble Gum that came with Baseball Cards

You could, all in one pack, get a Benito Santiago card and a chewable piece of cardboard!

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2. The comeback “I know you are, but what am I?”

Remember elementary school.  You had some kid you didn’t like.  Or didn’t like you.  Regardless, there was a rivalry.  You always wanted to have the upper hand on him or her and (at least where I lived) beating the crap out of them never came into the list of options.  Then you had it!  You came up with the perfect insult.  Whether it be a booger picking moron, a four eyed dweeb or a Chicago Cubs fan, you were going to give it to them in front of EVERYONE!  DURING RECESS!

Then… the opportunity arises… and you deliver the line flawlessly.  You know they weren’t prepared with an equally witty insult.  You think you’ve won, then they throw this at you…

“I know you are, but what am I?”

Then its back on you.  You didn’t line up a 2nd insult.  You can’t say “I know you are but what am I?” back to him because you’d be copying him/her.  And you lost even though you were the one who was the innovator who came up with the insult.  He used the insult boomerang that can only be thrown once.

I remember it being great when you were the one throwing that out there, but looking back, its a cowardly way to go in a name calling fight.  Its like being in a boxing match and kicking your opponent in the gonads.  It may immobilize them, but it doesn’t mean you’re a better fighter.

And its all your fault, Pee-Wee Herman.

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1. Dressing up like a Superhero and “Fighting Crime”

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As always, I would LOVE for any commenters to list those things they recently found were much crappier than they remember, destroying their childhood memories.

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