America’s Certificate of Completion: Zombie Survival

by Garrett Hargrove

With the incredible success of the horror/comedy film, Zombieland, America has finally passed their National Zombie Survival Certification Course.  Unbeknownst to the public, they have been taking part in a training course to prepare them for the possibility that the undead may some day over run the country or planet.  Per wikipedia, there have been 540 films created regarding Zombies.  Starting with the 1932 Bela Lugosi film, White Zombie, we began the subliminal training for this potential horrible evolution to man kind.  It was deemed sufficient training by the major industrial nations of the world. To verify that we had learned the lessons of White Zombie, a zombie simulation was performed at the start of 1933.

Chaos broke out.  There were riots, people tossing themselves out of buildings.  It was a horrible tragic failure.  That time came to be known as The Great Depression.  Even though some unrelated financial situations at the time have, in recent times, hijacked the importance of that period, President Franklin D. Roosevelt saw what could result if a real zombie apocalypse occurred.  FDR begun work on investment in major motion pictures to further educate the public on handling a zombie-tastrophy.

Unable to convince the public of the need for the US Government to produce films about the undead eating people’s gall bladders, FDR buried monies to produce said films in complex legislation called “The New Deal.”  The plan was sold to the people as “Hey!  We’re giving money to old people!  How could anyone be against that?  You don’t need to read the bill!”  And the funds to produce the zombie films passed congress without incident and without the public’s knowledge.  21 Zombie films were produced from 1933-1965.  The American people are fast learners.  There was NO doubt now that they knew how to identify and handle a zombie situation.  A focus group was conducted in Dallas in November of 1963.  Amongst the questions asked to panelists were:

• How do you kill a zombie?
• How do zombies turn other people into zombies?
• How would you know if President Kennedy had turned into a Zombie?

The focus group was deemed a failure when one of the people in the group failed to identify characteristics that would indicate President Kennedy turned into a zombie.  That panelist did, unfortunately properly answer and demonstrate the answer to question #1 in that focus group.  After the inevitable cover-up to distance the government’s influence over President Kennedy’s assassin, it was determined that drastic measures were needed to help the public identify zombies in ALL situations.

In 1965, another set of programs were enacted to “Fight the War on Poverty” called “The Great Society.”  Looking back through the prism of history and the lack of any results, it is now evident that this bill in no way strived to fight poverty, but instead flood the wave of 500+ zombie films that have been produced since.  Initially helmed by Zombie expert George Romero, this latest wave of zombie films was designed to cover every possibility should a zombie apocalypse occur.  These films helped people now identify all variations of zombies including:

• Fast Zombies
• Slow Zombies
• Zombie Strippers
• Zombie Chickens
• Nazi Zombies
• Zombie Gangbangers
• Zombie Mekhi Phifer
• Your Mom is a zombie
• Your Dad is a zombie
• Random scary children are zombies
• You’re the fresh prince of bel-air and your dog becomes a bad cgi zombie
• Michael Jackson… as a zombie
• British Zombies
• Kung Fu Zombies
• Redneck Zombies
• Montague and Capulet Zombies

and of course…

• Zombie Cheerleaders

America was once again polled and we were deemed ready for Zombies to attack.  Below are the results of America’s Zombie Certification Evaluation (After the break):

Zombie Certification Evaluation Results (With Historical Data)

Common Sense Recognition

In 1933, this question was posed in a National Survey:

If you see someone like this what do you do?

• 48% surveyed said “Wander up to them asking “Hey, dude.  Are you OK?  You need me to get an ambulance?”"
• 27% said “stand there paralyzed with fear.”
• 21% said “Ask… “Steve… is that you?” and continue asking until the person pictured above is within grabbing distance of me.”
• 4% said “Run.  I mean come on.  His face is decaying and he has blood dripping out of his mouth.  What is the best possible thing that could happen from me sticking around?”

In 2009, the same question was posed to people and here are the following results:

• 97% said “find anything in the close proximity to stab it in the brain.  Then keep stabbing until blood splatters onto my face.  Then stand up exhausted, both physically and emotionally.”
• 3% said “Steve… is that you…?”

How do you know if you’re looking at a zombie?

1933 Results:

• 96% said “I have no clue what a zombie looks like.”
• 4% said “Looks like Bela Lugosi”

2009 Results:

• 34% said “Hollow eyes”
• 23% said “Pale decaying skin.”
• 22% said “Doesn’t talk”
• 20% said “They’re zombie-like.”
• 1% said “if I see Ted Kennedy and Mary Jo Kopechne hanging out again.  Zing!  What? Too soon?  Come on!”

Zombie Evasion

When seeking refuge from oncoming zombies, where should you hide?

1933 Results:

• 87% said “In an isolated house in the middle of a field with lots of windows.  Zombies can’t get through glass and I will want an easy escape route if they get into a door.”
• 8% said “Definitely in the basement.”
• 5% said “Just keep running.  They can’t run forever, right?  I mean they’re dead.  How much muscle mass do they have?”

2009 Results:

• 53% said “A shopping mall”
• 24% said “Bill Murray’s House”
• 20% said “Never take board yourself up.  Keep moving and on the road.”
• 3% said “the place with zombie strippers.  If we’re all going to die, it might as well be at the hands of Jenna Jameson zombies.”

Zombie Combat

When attacked by a group of zombies, which should be your weapon of choice?

1933 Results:

• 64% said “Indignant looks shall be sufficient.”
• 30% said “I will keep them at bay with my hands.  If I keep them at arm’s length, they cannot bite me.”
• 6% said “Is garlic applicable in this situation?  A silver bullet?  Sunlight?  Harsh rhetoric?”

2009 Results:

• 38% said “A large SUV equipped with guns and a plow to maul them over.”
• 31% said “A chainsaw.  Don’t forget the extra gas also.”
• 22% said “Bruce Campbell”
• 9% said “we should still try economic sanctions!”

Medical

If a family member has been bitten, how should you handle the situation?

1933 Results:

• 97% said “Its 1933!  The family is the most important unit in America.  I would defend my beloved family member to death and beyond.  Even when other people warn me they can’t be cured and will turn on us, I will refuse to take an action that may cause them harm.  I will totally disrupt our security and safety to keep others from harming my wife/son/daughter/husband.  Even if my pregnant & infected wife is about to deliver a demon seed baby, I won’t take any action.
• 3% said “The government will find a cure!  They solve all of our problems!  I hear they’re just about to cure cancer!”

2009 Results:

• 100% said “See ya!”

If you have been bitten, what do you do?

1933 Results:

• 47% said: “Hide the wound from others.  Especially those who have guns.”
• 35% said: “show the people I am with the wound, but beg and plead to be kept alive.  Make it really hard for them to kill me when we all know I should be killed.”
• 18% said: “Antiseptic.”

2009 Results:

• 92% said: “Grab all the guns I can and go outside trying to take out as many of those other zombies as I can before I turn.  Everyone loves a martyr!”
• 8% said: “Be petty and vindictive.  Infect the biggest asswipe in my group.”

So, after 70+ years, 500+ films, dozens of video games and a successful Zombie Survival Guide book published, we are finally ready to take on the undead when they attack.  Now if only they would have taken all of that effort and put it into writing a decent health care reform bill…