An Interview With Kim Jong-il

by Thane Economou

As I entered Kim Jong-il’s house the very first thing I noticed it that it was super tacky. The walls were covered in carpet, velvet art, and Thomas Kincaide paintings. Several hills of potpourri could do nothing to hide the smell of sweat and semen. I moved onward.

I have interviewed both Spencer Pratt and Generalissimo Francisco Franco, but nothing prepared me for when I entered Jong Il’s private quarters.

He sat before me, the leader of North Korea, with his buzzed hair and sunglasses on. I am told I have only a brief time to interview him. We are left alone. Luckily, I speak fluent Korean, and needed no interpreter.

Economou: Mr. Jong-il, thank you for having me.

Jong-il: It is my pleasure.

Economou: To begin, what the hell man?

Jong-il: You mean with the missiles and stuff?

Economou: Yeah, with the missiles and stuff, you big jerk.

Jong-il: I want to destroy America, because it is evil.

Economou: But your missiles don’t reach that far.

Jong-il: I can hit a little bit of Alaska. And South Korea, and Japan, and China – who are our allies, so that does me no good.

Economou: The U.S.S. John McCain is set to intercept a North Korean flagged ship suspected of proliferating nuclear weapons.

Jong-il: What’s your question?

Economou: Don’t have one. Just wanted to point out how back you suck.

Jong-il: Stop it!

A single tear rolled down Mr. Jong-il’s face from behind his sunglasses.

Economou: Sources say North Korea is planning to fire its most advanced ballistic missile in the direction of the United States on the 4^th of July. Why?

Jong-il: Fireworks?

I slapped Kim Jong-il across the face. He began to openly weep.

Economou: Why do it Kim Jong-il? Why?

Jong-il: I can’t tell you!

Economou: Dammit! Yes you can!

He stood, and turned, facing a window. Tears ran down his face.

Jong-il: My therapist says I am too envious of Barack Obama. He intimidates me.

Economou: With his rhetoric? With his foreign policy maneuvering?

Jong-il: No. No. My therapist says I suffer from penis envy.

Economou: But how can that…

I trailed off. I stood and walked up behind Jong-il.

Economou: It’s okay. You can tell me. No one will ever hear this conversation.

Jong-il: You know what I am?

Economou: I know who you are. Yes. I knew from your choice of sunglasses. From your general appearance. From your obsession with big rockets which are actually named Taepo Dong missiles. You are a woman.

Kimberly turned around and faced me.

Jong-il: I figured if I shot off a rocket on the 4^th of July he would notice me.

Economou: We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight. We’re going to live on. We’re going to survive. Today, we celebrate our Independence Day.

Jong-il: My independence day.

Economou: Our independence day.

I stood facing Jong-il. I looked at her beautiful face. Behind her eyes, full of such experience, and yet such longing. I touched Kimberly’s cheek. I took off her glasses. She pulled me in closer. We kissed. Tenderly at first, but then more aggressively.

She then threw me onto the sofa. She ripped open my shirt (which was surprising, because it wasn’t even a button down). She lied on top of me, caressing my hairy chest.

Economou: Stop. One moment Kim. Just stop.

Jong-il: What is it, Thane? Anything, and I’ll do it.

Economou: Don’t attack America. Don’t do it, and I’ll make love to you.

She looked down at me, tenderly.

Jong-il: Yes. Oh God Yes!

But then Jong-il’s assistant busted in, said my time was up, and escorted me from the room.

So if we get attacked, don’t blame me. I tried my best.