An Interview With Spencer Pratt

by Thane Economou

Star of I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here before he fake quit twice and actually quit a third time (although sources say that may be fake too - seriously?), Spencer Pratt sat across from me. Only in certain light could you see the blonde pubic hairs that grow from his face. Otherwise, his beard is camouflaged as the same color as his skin.

SPENCER: Let’s get this over with.

THANE: Yeah. OK. So you quit I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here.

SPENCER: It was devaluing my fame.

THANE: You have a curious definition of fame.

SPENCER: Thank you. I appreciate that.

THANE: You’re welcome. I recently wrote an article about how much you love weed.

SPENCER: This interview is over. I quit.

Spencer walks out.

I wait in my chair for fifteen minutes before he returns. He smells like weed.

SPENCER: Are you going to start again or what? I’m too rich and too famous to sit around here all day. You are devaluing my fame.

THANE: So the celebrities on the show made fun of Heidi for her hair products.

SPENCER: How dare you insult my wife! I will f*cking kill you! This interview is over.

Spencer jumped to his feet and hit a water bottle out of my hand. As he left, he was yelling and making aggressive noises that I would rather not try and spell out onomatopoeically. I waited for half an hour, and he returned.

SPENCER: I would like to pray with you.

THANE: Let’s not.

SPENCER: I was recently baptized by Stephen Baldwin. That makes me one with God. Let’s pray that you don’t go to hell for insulting my wife.

THANE: That’s very kind of you. So, Lou Diamond Phillips…

SPENCER: I quit, God dammit!

Spencer again storms out. I just went ahead and left the room. I’m not sure if he returned. He probably did.