Spread: Another Ashton Kutcher Star Vehicle Destined for Greatness!

When Nikon unleashed the omnipresent media campaign that is Ashton’s Coolpix, many concerned moviegoers were worried that Ashton would never “act” in another film. Because promoting a line of digital cameras that double as party accessories is a full-time job. And here’s another job that’s full-time: doing nothing. This is a job that Ashton also does. So you can see why fans of the universally admired A Lot Like Love were prepared to weary their endless days in a state of Ashton-less limbo. UNTIL NOW.

I forgot about Twitter. Ashton Kutcher is probably the most celebrated Twitter user in the entire world, and this requires him to spend an unreasonable amount of time writing digital prose, because posts on Twitter are limited to 140 characters or less. Case in point: this recent post: “I just did a google news search for ‘injured in fireworks accident’…. WTF…. people make me laugh.” Just imagine….Ashton Kutcher is obligated to make posts like this up to three or four times per day. SHIT. Why do we judge him????

We judge him because he makes movies like Spread. Set for theatrical release in August 2009, Spread is an art-house film about a dude who is SO HOT—like in an Ashton Kutcher kind of way—that he is able to get whatever he wants in life. Which is apparently a delicious poolside sandwich, natch.

Also, women can’t get enough of him—this point is clearly indicated in the movie’s trailer. Does this movie think we’re retarded? YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL US THAT. WE ALREADY KNOW. The reason we know is because it’s Ashton Fucking Kutcher. If ladies had already had enough, Ashton would not be riding high on a successful line of digital cameras and from an even successful-er Twitter account.  Also, ladies can never resist a man with a scarf (mad props to Chuck Bass). And in Spread, the plot is almost exclusively driven by man-scarves.

And by IKEA futons. Evidenced by the trailer, which is 95% composed of shots of Ashton Kutcher in compromising lounge-positions, the plot is also driven by IKEA futons. Because according to Apple.com, Ashton is “a sexual grifter, a fun-loving, freeloading hipster who understands his greatest assets are his looks and sexual prowess, which he uses to charm his way into the hearts of the city’s richest women and enjoy their lifestyle.” To translate: “Ashton is a consummate wearer of scarves who understands his greatest assets are his scarves and his ability to lounge on futons with ease and magnetism, which he uses to charm his way into the heart of Anne Heche and enjoy her lifestyle, which involves being served delicious sandwiches for lunch.”

With a tagline like that, how can you not want to see Spread? In case it is unclear from the trailer, the title “Spread” refers to Ashton’s habit of constantly spreading himself out on futons, and it also refers to the appearance of a delicious sandwich when it is spread out with various toppings and deli meats. Yum!!! You should totes see this movie. And by “see this move,” I mean that you should not see this movie.