AVATAR 2 & 3 Plots Leaked!!! Lampoon Exclusive!

by Garrett Hargrove

AVATAR is blowing up around the world.  Its set to take in record hauls.  People love Zoe Saldana’s Neytiri so much articles from geeks wanting to boink 10 foot tall blue chicks are popping up all over.  So you knew James Cameron wasn’t going to just sit on this.  Our crack investigative team here at National Lampoon has obtained emails passed between James Cameron and Fox executives from this past weekend about the future of the Avatar franchise.  Its no secret that the way white people came over from Europe and raped the lands of the Native Americans played a major role in the story oif Avatar and the Na’vi people in the film.  It seems as though Cameron is determined to continue that theme in the sequel (after the break):

Hey Fox Executives!

Thank you SO much for letting me spend $500 million to film my Junior High Earth Day Essay! I told you it would be worth it!  People are totally AVATARded for it!  I can’t wait to stand up there at the Oscars and yell “I’m the Toruk Makto” when we take every award.

I also can’t thank you guys enough for getting me in touch with Michael Bay.  He was totally right about subtlety being overrated.  I mean, I was subtle when I warned people about how evil technology was in Terminator, yet here we are, 2009 and we’ve got facebook, google, etc.  I tried to warn people about how evil corporation were in Aliens, yet, corporations are still making BILLIONS!  Mike told me “People are dumb.  You need to smack them in the face with your messages.  And blow lots of shit up.”  No subtlety this time.  Just smacked them in the face with how we suck as a species and people are getting it!

So, we’ve totally got to keep this ball rolling.  I’ve done extensive breakdowns of the first Avatar to see just how it was comprised so we can keep those elements in the next one to make people love it even more and here’s what it was comprised of:

76 minutes: Sully staring slack jawed at the nature & wildlife of Pandora
42 minutes: native chanting and other stuff I tivo’ed off of National Geographic TV
8 minutes: Awesome action
27 minutes: Sully and Neytiri giggling at nothing imparticular
1,856: Silly placed apostrophes in nouns to make them seem exotic instead of silly words a five year old would create

So next time around, we’re going to get a full two hours of the hero standing around slack jawed staring at wildlife and plant life on Pandora.  EVERY word will now have an apostrophe in it.  But the big thing is continue to explore the ways white people have taken advantage of native Americans.  I’ve studied in depth what else happened in the White People-Native American relationships and incorporated those into this plot:  Here’s the plot for the next one worked up:

So, the Na’vi kicked out the humans at the end of Avatar, but that was just a battle.  Humans end up coming back.  The humans swindle the land of Pandora from the Na’vi by offering them useless trinkets like glow-in-the-dark Furbies that resemble their Dandelion Floating Jellyfish.  Before they know it, the Na’vi are relegated to small plots of land and the evil greedy sky people are all over.

Well the Na’vi have a plan to use the sky people’s greed against them.  The Na’vi built large, luxurious palaces they call “ca’sinos”, which means “land where stupid white people come and squander their money on unwinnable games”.  (JC Side Note: Now there is a LOT of potential for more of that incredible alien stuff.  The entrances of these ca’sinos will be decorated with exotic Na’vi art, new plant life, more of those glow in the dark spinning bugs and an ENDLESS BUFFET with all you can eat Swedish Meatballs.)

The Na’vi have started accruing massive amounts of wealth from the sky people. Almost enough to bribe the sky people to leave Pandora and give them back their land.  But when the evil corporations and military learn of the Na’vi plot, they send in a team of Avatars to case the ca’sino and plot to steal the loot of the good and noble Na’vi.  Its basically Ocean’s 11 meets Dances With Wolves.

I can be ready to start Pre-pro next month.  I know you’re going to give me the green light, so I’m not asking permission.  I’m just going to expect to start seeing checks in my production company’s account for it.

Ja’mes Ca’meron
King of the World

And that’s not all.  With the Na’vi on his mind, Cameron hammered out the plot of Part 3!

Hey Guys!

Its me again!  I figured while we were filming Part 2 of the Avatar Saga, we might as well do Parts 2 & 3 back to back.  I’ve attached the budget to this email.  Go on and put all $2.3 Billion dollars in my account to cover both films.

Anyways, I kept going with the exploitation of the Native Americans thing and came up with Part 3:

The Sky People have set up colonies all across Pandora.  To keep the people happy, they have set up stadiums and introduced sports to Pandora.  Using the environment as inspiration, many of the teams have taken on the names of the various tribes of the Na’vi.  There’s the LV-756 Omaticaya, the LV-378 Tipani among others.

But the worst one has the Na’vi up in arms.  One of the sports teams has named itself after a racial slur used against the Na’vi.  The LV-256 Blueskins.  This is the last straw.  Its time for action.  A war is brewing over this slap in the face of the Na’vi.  To mount their attack, they bring in… John Travolta.

With the help of the Pandora ACLU, they use the sky people’s legal system against them as John Travolta (renamed Jo’hn Tra’volta by the Na’vi) leads them in the biggest CGI court drama the world has ever seen! Its basically A Civil Action meets Dances with Wolves.  Between the army of lawyers the sky people have and the trouble with finding a suit for a 10 foot tall blue person, the Na’vi are facing their greatest test yet as they try to win the right to strip these sports teams of their names and preserving the dignity of the Na’vi tribes.  Their law’yer spends his entire fortune and comes dangerously close to the edge of sanity trying to win this battle.  But he does take some time to wander off and stare at glowing fish and crap like that in Pandora.

Get ready to have the $$$ roll in!

Ja’m'es Ca’me’ron
No I won’t Sign Your Poster, I’m the King of the World!

There you have it, Avatar fans!  More blue people goodness is coming soon to a theater near you!

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