The Zaz » URGENT REMINDER: There are just 686 days until the next World Beard and Moustache Championships

URGENT REMINDER: There are just 686 days until the next World Beard and Moustache Championships

by Richard

Last month, I experienced one of the darkest moments of my life. My roommate, whom I now hate, was being her usual inconsiderate self by inviting me to celebrating her birthday ON THE SAME EXACT NIGHT AS THE LOST FINALE. So I was sitting at our table at Saddle Ranch, enjoying some poorly executed mechanical bull riding when it dawned on me that a small but satisfying number of Lost’s compelling mysteries were being demystified and an annoyingly greater number were being created AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Tears were sort of streaming down my face as I returned home, quickly descending upon my computer and plumbing the depths of the internet’s most comprehensive BitTorrent sites for an opportunity to redeem myself.

I had hoped this forlorn disaster would never happen again, but yesterday I learned that because of my overwhelming obsession with Lost, I neglected to discover that the very week before, brave American men were fighting for our country’s honor at the World Beard and Mustache Championships in Anchorage, Alaska. IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK COSMIC JOKE? HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED TO ME??? Because the World Beard and Mustache Championships is a real competition that actually exists, kind of like the Olympics, where bearded wonders around globe engage in violent beard-to-beard combat, kind of like in the Olympics. You might presume that the winner of this prestigious contest would be a more hirsute nation like Germany, where both men and woman could ostensibly compete. NO—this year’s undisputed champion of facial hair was none other than BEARD TEAM USA.

According to Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government, BEARD TEAM USA IS THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY USA IS NUMBER ONE! You might be thinking, “wait a minute, if Beard Team USA is the number one reason why USA is number one, and if one plus one equals two, then that means that Beard Team USA is actually number two.” Well you know what? WRONG. All that means is that BEARD TEAM USA is TWICE THE CHAMPION—it is the CHAMPION OF BEARDS AND OF NATIONS.

Moreover, BEARD TEAM USA IS NUMBER ONE despite having to overcome a number of obstacles recklessly tossed in its path by the lesser Beard Gods. For example, Ted Berg was unable to compete in Alaska because of a five-year beard sabbatical, which prevented him from cultivating his Van-Gogh style beard. Like Berg, other beardsmen like Aldon Olson also have a dark history of beard-love inconsistency. Though he embarked on the path of bearded righteousness as early as 1980, Olson subsequently shaved his magnificent chin-mane every year thereafter. That is, until the God of Full Natural Beards gave him a sign by crowning him finalist in the Full Beard Natural Division at the 2008 West Pennsylvania Beard and Mustache Competition.

Still, a few of the team’s younger members opted to red-shirt this season, anticipating fuller, brawnier beard growth in their more manly years. And let us be thankful that the deities of facial hair have protected our nation’s beard warriors from a misfortune such as that suffered in 2003 by Team Germany’s wunderkind Willi Chevalier, who was for many years the Michael Phelps of international facial hair competitions. Creator of the infamous “pretzel beard” and reigning champ in the Partial Beard Freestyle Category, Chevalier (perhaps unwisely) was in the habit of sporting his beard at the workplace—a construction site—where it fell prey to a vicious power drill, and was ripped violently from his face.

Aside from upholding the American Tradition of kicking ass in everything it does, BEARD TEAM USA also pursues more philanthropic causes—namely, “promoting the worldwide appreciation of beards and moustaches.” HOW ARE PEOPLE NOT MORE EXCITED ABOUT THIS??? Thus, it is important to acknowledge not just the active members of BEARD TEAM USA, but also the honorary members who have sacrificed a large amount of their faces to further the cause of universal beard appreciation. Here is the list of our nation’s top ten beardsmen who have contributed to the fight for world beard awareness and love:

10. Steven Wright (Partial Beard Freestyle)