Celebrity Meltdowns I Want To See

by ThaneEconomou

Recent reports claim Mischa Barton has been forcibly admitted to a psychiatric hospital for unknown crazy person reasons. Now, as much as I love watching wealthy former television stars spiral into madness and poverty, this story doesn’t interest me. I’ve already seen Barton overdose, be in therapy, alienate herself from her loved ones, and ultimately die. It’s the first three seasons of The O.C. all over again.

I suppose it is too much to ask for originality from the town that is giving us two blockbusters this summer based on toys. But seriously, let’s mix things up Hollywood. Wouldn’t these meltdowns be much more interesting?

John Stamos, discovering his career has stalled and he is no longer married to Rebecca Romijn, falls into an abyss of self-hatred, alcoholism, and obsessive compulsive behaviors. After punching Matt Damon and Amanda Bynes in the face during an interview, he becomes a recluse. He wears boxes of Kleenex as slippers. His fingernails grow to ridiculous lengths. He uses his E.R. residual money to fund building large planes. Ultimately John Stamos spends his evenings collecting bottles of his own urine and watching re-runs of Full House in a locked screening room, fully nude. Have mercy.

Spencer Pratt, born again Christian, finding he’s sucked all the mileage he can out of his current attention whoring attitude, becomes a born again again Scientologist. However, he is found to be too annoying for the organization, and is promptly kicked out. Then Pratt becomes a born again again again Satanist, setting himself on fire as a sacrifice to the devil while on The View. He is, however, successful in his goal in making the top story on Entertainment Tonight that evening.

Lance Bass goes back into the closet as a straight man. This doesn’t improve record sales, so he slips back out of the closet. He then grows a large beard, and announces he is quitting music for a career in acting. His one-man show is met with terrible reviews. He then announces the whole thing was a hoax, and returns back into the closet. However, ostracized by both the straight and gay communities, Lance Bass is forced to announce a sex change.

Jennifer Love Hewitt puts on 72 pounds. Her appearance on Oprah is followed by several magazine covers following her weight loss. Which never happens, and she puts on an additional 51 pounds. She shaves her head, attacks paparazzi with umbrellas and katana swords, and has two babies with two different baby daddies, both from the cast of Night Court.

Tyler Perry goes back to his roots of doing stand up. While being heckled by two Caucasians in the audience, he begins yelling: “Cracker! Cracker! We got a cracker here! Shut up! Shut up! Throw his ass out! He’s a cracker! He’s a cracker!” His apology on Letterman is met with disinterest, and his next movie, Madea Goes To Racial Sensitivity Training, flops.

Zach Braff, lost without his role on Scrubs, gets a full face tattoo of a dragon in an orgy. He is arrested at a motel for running a dog fighting ring, and the trial becomes a media frenzy, especially after the release of the soundtrack.

Miley Cyrus becomes a Muslim singer-songwriter, changing her name to Aa’idah Mohammed. Beginning all concerts with “Allah Malakim,” her music is now acoustic Islamic chants. And while Aa’idah is put on the CIA Watch List for comments she made about committing Jihad against Nick Jonas, her newest movie Aa’idah Mohammed’s Audhu Billahi Min Ash Shaytan Ar Rajim 3D Spectacular is still a moderate success.

Michael Bay, obsessed with bigger and bigger explosions, begins stealing the pyrotechnics from his movie sets. His performance art – setting off Michael Bay like effects at National monuments – essentially becomes domestic terrorism. Sent to prison, he is shocked to find that he cannot use the tunnels systems off the island.

Hilary Duff is pulled over for driving under the influence. She immediately begins claiming the Jews started all the wars, and refers to a male officer as Sugar-Cock. Both of her fans abandon her, and she eventually has a falling out with her sister, mostly due to suspicion over the size of Haylie Duff’s nose.

Bill Pullman loses all his money in an unlucky game of dice. He becomes homeless, walking the streets of L.A. screaming lines from Independence Day. Running into archrival Bill Paxton, the two have an epic battle on Hollywood Blvd. After several bloody hours, the two titans rush into each other, morphing and forming into one amazing human being, Bill Man.