Chris Brown Formally Apologizes

Earlier today, Chris Brown posted a video on YouTube in which he formally and eloquently apologized for punching his girlfriend Rihanna in the face.

After the apology, Brown added: “I feel so ashamed because my mother and my spiritual teachers have taught me better than that. My mother always told me to punch a Jew in the face, not my beautiful girlfriend Rihanna. Since that night in February, a moment I wish I could change, I’ve regretted my transference of emotions to my lovely and talented lover. I want to set the record straight: I meant to punch Alan Goldstein, my accountant, in the face. That Heeb has been busting my balls to stop buying cars and jewelry. He has this nasally voice that makes my bowels knot up into a ball so tight I could sh*t out a diamond. I specifically want to make a latke out of that guy’s face. Not Rihanna’s. I infinitely regret my decision to punch Rihanna in the face. She is a lovely, beautiful, talented, and dear woman who, more than any other Jew, does not deserved to be punched in the face.”

Chris Brown followed up this statement with his plan to hold a month-long residency in Iran.