Comcast Reportedly Wants To Buy NBC; Also Reportedly High

by Thane Economou

“Ha! You’re going to buy NBC? Oh, right, like you got 4 million dollars just lying around…” – Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

Industry rumors state that Comcast is in talks to buy NBC Universal from General Electric. NBC is the number four network, which recently fired its president, and decided Jay Leno should be in prime time five times a week. Universal Pictures is the company that proudly released Land of the Lost and Love Happens.

Comcast reportedly wants to buy NBC Universal for $35 billion.

That sound you just heard is GE popping the cork on some champagne, ecstatic to unload NBC, the corporation that brought you this summer’s latest monstrosity, I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here. GE is having a Caligula style orgy in celebration of losing NBC, the network that had a hit, Heroes, only to let it become one of television’s lowest rated shows a meer three years later. GE has creamed its shorts for the opportunity to say goodbye to the company responsible for Jay Leno in prime time five nights a week.

Buying NBC for $35 billion would officially rank among history’s worst, alongside:

- “Hey, let’s trust this Bernie Madoff guy.”

- “The first Matrix was so good, let’s not only green light one sequel, but two!”

- “Let’s introduce Yoko to John, because I think they’ll really hit it off.”

- “Senator Kennedy, any way I can get a ride home? I live right over the Chappaquiddick.”

- “I’m totally quitting as co-host of this stupid American Idol show. You watch, this show has no future, or my name isn’t Brian Dunkleman.”

- “They made us a Trojan horse? Let’s bring it in!”

- “I’m an Academy Award winning actor and director. I’ve been pulled over for driving under the influence. Gosh I hate Jews. I should tell someone.”

- “Even though God told me not to … yeah, I’ll eat that apple.”

- “I want Jay Leno in prime time five times a week!”

GE may have found a way to rid itself of NBC Universal, who, incidently, put Jay Leno on the air in prime time five fucking times a week, and they’ll be paid $35 billion to do it! Now, that’s imagination at work.