Dickless Dickipedia

by moodmonster

Ahh the dick.

No other male organ has been revered, reviled, envied and cast in plaster as much as the dick. In ancient times dicks were treasured so much that civilizations actually went out of their way to construct strikingly handsome 120-ton versions from stone. Called ‘obelisks,’ most had noticeable girth and stretched into the sky while it wasn’t all that uncommon to come across one that was stumpy and cute.

Some obelisks were surrounded by manicured lawns. Others stood dead center in dense thickets of brush. Thousands were erected and the cost to construct just one obelisk was ridiculously enormous. Ask any historian and they’ll tell you the only time a Mesopotamian hooker felt badly about herself was during the obelisk pledge drive season. And whenever one was in the works the lucrative prostitution industry as a whole fell to its knees. Yes, even then it was hard to be a pimp.

The dick took a turn for the worse in AD 390 when a wacky Euphrates-based comedian inadvertently tanked his career after having heckled a few members of his own audience during an uncharacteristically ‘weak’ stand-up routine. In an unprecedented backlash, the funny man’s fans turned against him for such crass behavior and began to ironically associate him with something which was considered rather popular—the obelisk—by calling him a dick.

But with his ever-sharp wit at the ready the comedian in turn began to refer to them as ‘dicks’ for naming him a dick in the first place. This exchange would launch the paradoxical “I know I am but what are you?” argument as well as its succinct counter, “I’m rubber and you’re glue.”

Profanity was thus born and the connotation of ‘being’ a dick became synonymous with rubbing people the wrong way (yet incongruous in an of itself given how a dick usually doesn’t care ‘how’ it is rubbed, just that it is rubbed.)

Two millennia later and those who are dicks, or who are alleged to be dicks, have become so prevalent in  society that Dickipedia, a free online content encyclopedia project with information about people who are dicks, actually exists.

A silver-headed dick, a comeback-kid dick and the world’s deadliest dick, after the jump.

Among Dickipedia’s 100 or so listed dicks include professional athletes, politicians, celebrities and flammable liquids like Crude “Petroleum” Oil. Dickipedia spares the rod for no one when naming names, or fossil fuels, as dicks.

Dickipedia cites television anchor and reporter Anderson Cooper as a dick for plenty of reasons. Academy Award-winner Mickey Rourke, Dickipedia explains, is a dick-of-all-trades. Oil, on the other hand, is considered to be the deadliest dick of all time by Dickipedia because of the organic compound’s history of having started wars, destroyed economies, wildlife and shorelines. What has put “a big drag on our environment,” in Dickipedia’s estimation, is oil’s hand in having caused pollution and global warming. Hence: Dickipedia and oil do not mix.

But they do.

You see, the only dick not listed as a dick on Dickipedia is Dickipedia itself. To begin, Dickipedia has declared some sort of non-dick no-stick status in perpetuity by having set the metric for ‘what’ and ‘whom’ can be classified as a dick all the while never having to answer to anyone for possibly running the risk of  being a dick themselves. Dick move, right off the bat.

Secondly, unless Cuntipedia becomes a reality, Dickipedia is just rubbing itself. You can’t have the Ying without the Yang.

And finally, Dickipedia is a production of Huffington Post Comedy. Huffington Post Comedy is a part of The Huffington Post, an American liberal news website and aggregated weblog co-founded by Arianna Huffington, author and syndicated columnist who was once married to Michael Huffington, some dude who made millions in oil.

Isn’t it a dickish coincidence that oil derricks resemble obelisks?