Drake and Andy Go to the TVs week 12

by andybeckerman

I awoke this morning to the heavy scent of cordite and creosote. What was it that had been burning? I took a moment to savor the smoky taste on my tongue, and realized that this was a metaphor. The end of the television season fast approaches, and what is searing away except our final hours of viewing pleasure before the summer announces itself and erases the regularity of a programming schedule. Then I went into the bathroom to pee and found the charred corpse of my roommate, still smoldering on the tile. I guess he had been trying to make napalm and screwed up. What do Drake and I have to say about TV though?

Andy: So, have you seen Breaking Bad?

Drake: Hey; I have, but not in its entirety. How was it?

Andy: So, you’ve yet to watch Season 2?

Drake: Yes. Feel free to spoil it though. I’m not that invested.

Andy: I won’t say anything specific. In this interview or in a review quoting the creator Vince Gilligan talks about the show being what happens between the cuts in a big crime film. And I was watching the fifth episode today, and I was amazed at how effective that is in terms of ramping up the tension. Bryan Cranston is waiting for a bill to print out at the doctor’s office, and it’s on an old dot matrix printer, and it takes forever. And then later, the brother-in-law who works for the DEA is waiting for an elevator, and it doesn’t come immediately like in most shows. And all that space really makes for a tense show. It casts a kind of foreboding over everything.

Chronicle of an Asshole.

Drake: No. I really like that. It plays with the contrivances…like Jack Bauer never needed to take a piss. At some point, that’s going to happen.

Andy: I’ve never watched 24. Does it ever show him doing normal things?

Drake: Not really, no.

Andy: Like, you figure in 24 hours, he’d need to shit and piss. Torture someone. Maybe jack off.

Drake: You would think.

Drake: You know on second thought. That would just be a terrible show. I mean, eating a microwave burrito takes you…I don’t know…15 minutes?

Andy: Nah. It’d be more realistic. That’s a show I want to pitch now. A realistic 24, where the main character actually has to do real things in the course of a day.

Drake: Your life shot in 24 1-hour real time increments?

Andy: Plus there’d be terrorists. Or a legion of serial killers.

Drake: Well sure.

Andy: Yeah, that’s better. The enemy would have to be over the top to really make the mundane stuff stand out. So, a band of serial killers that met each other online. And they decide to go on a killing spree. And the hero is a beat cop that has to stop them.

Drake: They all read the Zaz Report. Write that shit in. Free advertising.

Andy: They meet in a support group for murderers. Duh!

Drake: Well why is this beat cop the only one who can stop them? And secondly, what are you going to call it?

Andy: A Day In the Life

Drake: Hmm…

Andy: I’m sure it won’t be too much to license the Beatles song.

Drake: Well on to other things. Did you perhaps watch Parks and Recreation?

Andy: Yes, I did. I saw it last night even.

Drake: What did you think?

Andy: Well, like most pilots, it wasn’t very good. But there’s certainly promise. And I love Amy Poehler. I do like the guy that wants to abolish government because our gov’t is actually full of those douches.

Drake: Haha. Yeah. All in all, it was fine. Not great, not awful, right around OK. It’s the blogger’s nightmare. Really the worst thing I can think to say about it is that it’s Office Lite. Which really when I say it out loud, sounds just fine.

Andy: Yeah, I guess. Maybe I was just in a mood. It just seems like they took the form of The Office and dropped it over another setting.

Drake: Yeah that was a problem.

Andy: I mean, even taking the character types wholesale.

The whole gang is here: Jim, Andy, Michael, Pam, Dwight, Ryan, Roy.

Drake: Yes.

Andy: But if you remember, the first season of The Office was almost gag for gag the UK version.

Drake: Haha. And I remember at the time, being annoyed by that. There’s definitely a parallel. Given a full season, it might turn into a great show.

Andy: Plus, I loved seeing Ian Roberts, even in a bit part. Hopefully, the rest of the UCB will make it into the episodes.

Drake: Haha. Yeah I’m glad you noticed that.

Andy: Also, Loudon Wainwright III from Undeclared.

Drake: Hahaha. “Are there pancakes being made?” You know, the consensus seems to be pretty poor–a lot of people have been trashing the show–but I’ll say it. I like it.

Andy: I think trashing it based on one half-decent episode is a bit premature. Those critics blew their negative wad too early.

Drake: It never happens to them, they swear!

Drake: If we had some sort of regulated “thumbs up” system, I would use it. But we don’t.

Andy: Come up with a different system. Maybe one based on stars.

Andy: How about cat dicks?

Drake: Haha.

Andy: I give this three cat dicks.

Drake: Is more cat dicks good or bad?

Andy: Good.

Andy: If you collect cat dicks.

Drake: I find in life that an abundance of cat dicks is usually a problem.

Andy: Well, if you don’t get rid of the old ones, it is.

Drake: You are a wise man, Andy.

Andy: But you don’t want to be a cat dick pack rat, do you?

Drake: …no?

Andy: Correct. No.

Drake: Alright well look. We’re going to need to work on the system. I suggest we put a pin this. Until we can come up with something better that cat dick–if only because I don’t want to deal with what 3 and a half cat dicks means.

Andy: You’re a real sadist, Drake. Pins and dicks.

Drake: I have a secret to tell you.

Andy: You were a fan of Hellraiser, weren’t you?

I’m a human being-like entity, not a cat penis. I have feelings, you know.

Drake: I was going to say I’m a cat. But yeah actually. I mean, as far as B-movie Halloween flicks go. It’s alright.

Andy: I’ve never seen it. Hey, speaking of films, did you see the minor controversy over Observe and Report?

Drake: No. Go on.

Andy: I guess Seth Rogan’s character date rapes someone in it. From what I’ve read, it’s tough to tell if Rogan’s character is supposed to be a good guy or a bad guy though. So, assuming he’s supposed to be a piece of shit, date raping someone would be an appropriate action for that character. Feministing thinks the opposite though, that he’s supposed to be lauded and the date rape is supposed to be funny. It’s certainly played for laughs in the trailer.

“Don’t stop ambiguously (perhaps) - at least problematically depicted - date raping me, motherfucker.”

Drake: Well the bad side, his character is a rapist, but on the upside the movie has differentiated itself from Paul Blart, Mall Cop.

Andy: Haha. Yeah, Happy Madison Productions doesn’t really go in for super-dark. I think the worst thing was when in The Waterboy, the main character slit his mother’s throat.

Drake: True, but I don’t think most of our readers have seen the original Oliver Stone cut. Regardless, played for laughs or not, the film sounds awful, and I didn’t really want to see it to begin with.

Andy: Well, to bring it back around to TV, Jody Hill, the writer and director, also did Eastbound and Down. I hated Kenny Powers so much that it made it difficult to watch. Unpleasant even. I also didn’t like the copout where then made Andrew Daly’s character a jerk. If he would have stayed a nice guy, it might have been actually dramatic for his fiancé to choose Powers. I mean, I guess they weren’t really going for drama, but I just hate shows where the choices for the characters are so simple.

Drake: Alright so, before we quit we should talk about Better Off Ted. I’m getting pretty damn sick of execs naming shows based on some lame pun with the main character’s name. See also: Grey’s Anatomy. Faith and Hope. My now trashed script for Beckerman and Wife. You were going to show those kids who the real head of the house was, Andy. But that’s over now.

Andy: But in a wacky coincidence, I switch bodies with my children. There’s a great concept. A show where the characters keep switching bodies.

Drake: I feel like that might get confusing.

Andy: Exactly. It’d be great though. Like there’d be a little reminder of who was who at the bottom of each scene.

Drake: Hahaha. Screw it. Write that. Right now. That’s gotta be at least a two and a half cat dick idea.