Drake and Andy Go to the TVs week 4

by andybeckerman

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeel, here’s what happened. We had this conversation last week, the previous week, see, and I was supposed to put it together, and see, I got my face ripped of in an uncalculated accident at a skeleton brothel. It was impossible to know that ribs are laser sharp. I’ve only ever seen skeletons in cartoons on TV. Regardless, I work a shitty temp job that saps my ability to live. Oh god, why can’t I have my face really ripped off by a sexual skeleton in order to end my enduring Earthly torment? Drake, help me, please, I’m fucking dying. Oh god, help me.

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Drake: Hey…

Andy: What’s up? I am as tired as a dog humping his own dead body.

Drake: Once again, you’ve blown my mind. Is the dog a ghost? Or is that a zen thing?

Drake: Ok, well, I have a question, first off. Are we sponsored by NBC or something? I’d just like to know before I start trash talking.

Andy: I don’t think we’re sponsored by anyone. And it’s not like we get paid anyway. So let the virulence fly.

Drake: Well it’s just that there is a little NBC logo on the top of the site. And they seem to being royally fucking up everything they come into contact with.

Andy: Open up your wings of hate and float on the airshafts of cruelty.

Drake: That should be the name of your next book. The Wings of Hate Upon the Airshafts of Cruelty.

Andy: Like any NBC lackey is reading our shit. And if one is, I have something to say: Tim Kring is a fucking dick, and I’m sick of Heroes being so shitty and the characters being such turdy morons.

Drake: Yeeeeeaaaaah.

Andy: I saw Entertainment Weekly’s list of how to fix the show. There were five things. I have a list of one. Fucking fire Tim Kring, and hire someone that can tell a compelling story.

Drake: Haha. It’s gotten to such a level…

Andy: …of incompetence…(I’m finishing your sentence.)

Drake: …that during the last new episode, there is a point when the cheerleader bumps into Ali Larter’s new character that is a different person who looks exactly the same as her old character who was actually two people. And they just explain it by saying “Oh, she’s good now.” What the hell is that? It would take so long to explain the piles of bullshit that have been thrust upon what was initially a cool character that the episode would be over.

Drake: So…”she’s good now.”

Andy: Well, the characters have the intellectual curiosity of a Republican party loyalist.

Drake: Political burn.

Andy: So, answers like that actually do make sense in their world where everyone has the power of brain damage. But hey, we can concentrate on what NBC is also doing right, can’t we?

Drake: We can?

Andy: I watched the 30 Rock premiere on Hulu. And it was pretty good.

Drake: See this was actually where I was going with this. I wasn’t even going to mention Heroes. Or that clusterfuck where Christian Slater has two lives. 30 is a great show. Will Arnett running in the park with no shoes talking about “Samesung.”

Drake: I’m sold.

Andy: Hahaha

Drake: But, what I’m actually worried about is the Hulu thing. NBC may have botched the drop. I’m calling that one.

Andy: How so?

Drake: I could be wrong. 30 Rock didn’t stay at the top of Hulu for that long.

Andy: My only question is: does the early release count towards the 17 days or whatever it is of free online time before the writers start getting residuals.

We’re on strike until NBC gives us two more pennies per day and a bowl of cold gruel.

Drake: Haha. And that.

Andy: Or does it start from when the show actually premieres?

Drake: That’s actually a good question.

Andy: Because my sympathies obviously lie with the writers.

Drake: I have no idea. I think we need a lawyer.

Andy: Well, if only I had actually gone to law school, we’d have the answers. And my parents would actually be proud of me.

Drake: Haha.

Andy: Instead of having to tell their friends through gritted teeth that their son writes comedy.

Drake: I just tell my parents friends I’m a drug dealer. For kids! It goes over better.

Andy: “Rivka, could you pass the blintzes maybe? Oh, Andy? He’s…a comedian. I know, I know; it’s a shondah.”

Andy: “And what girl would marry a schmuck with a job like that?”

Andy: The joke’s on him though, because a girl won’t even go on a date with a schmuck like that. Let alone enough of them so that his goofy charm may begin to destroy her self-esteem.

Drake: Oddly enough, the drug dealer thing reels in a lot of tail.

Andy: Well, duh

Drake: I’m just trying to help. Your love life is bumming me out.

Andy: Would you rather fuck a dude that’s going to get you high or one that will tell you jokes about Sartre?

Drake: You know jokes about Sartre! You could do both I suppose.

I’m looking through you.

Andy: Anyway, let’s get this party Sartred…what else has been on the old television that your eyes have been privy to?

Drake: Well let me see. I’m tempted to stop harassing NBC. But then I see Biggest Loser Families, and I just can’t stop.

Andy: I don’t even want to know what that is. Is it reality bullshit?

Drake: It’s going to redefine the world as you know it. And by that I mean, yes.

Andy: Reality TV can suck my dick.

Drake: Click here.

Andy: I refuse to click on that.

Drake: Open your mind!

Andy: I want to be ignorant of whatever it is. It’s like my willful ignorance of the business world, so I can pretend I have nothing to do with those shitheads.

Drake: I’m so glad you weren’t aware of this. I want to be the one to share it with you!

Andy: Hey, you know what else NBC did right? The Office.

Drake: Fine. Fine, yes, The Office is really good. Here, this is a great link about The Office. Check that out. It’s got extra footage of Jim and Pam. I’m not kidding.

Andy: They’re going to break my heart though when Amy Ryan is fired. Or transferred. or whatever will happen to her.

Andy: I’m not clicking that link.

Drake: Fine…Yeah, me too actually. She’s great.

Andy: I’m glad to see at least one of The Wire actors getting a good role.

Drake: She’s doing a great job of being almost endearing as Steve Carrell. Which is hard. Why do you think she’s going to get fired?

Andy: The last line of the last episode. The guy from corporate said something like, “I did not know they were dating.”

Drake: Oh yeah I saw that. I thought that was introducing some new plot. But, I don’t if that means she’s leaving. I certainly hope not.

Andy: Amy Ryan is only contracted for part of the season.

Drake: See that. That’s a problem. I did not know that.

Andy: REAL LIFE SPOILER

Drake: Damn it!

Andy: Maybe I should stop reading the trades.

Drake: I hate real life! The trades are spoiling your sense of wonder! Well, is there something else you’d like to get into?

Andy: Well, I was totally caught up on TV and then I had to go do things like hang out with my friends and write and exercise, and now I’ve fallen behind again.

Drake: All I can think about is Biggest Loser Families. Lucky for you, you didn’t miss much.

Andy: Hey, aren’t the people watching the show really the biggest losers? (Surely a joke that’s never been made.)

Drake: No. You obviously haven’t watched the show.

Andy: Because I’m not a huge loser.

Drake: I am going to sit you down in a room with just hours of this. It’s full hour of fat people riding exercycles and crying. It’s one of the signs of the apocolypse.

Andy: If I want to see people crying about their self-esteem issues, I’ll look in the fucking mirror.

Andy: Because I never stop crying.

Drake: I don’t know what to say too that. Except you’ve bummed me out yet again.

Andy: Next week will be good. I’ll have watched the Mad Men finale, the rest of the season of No Heroics and the whole election thing that will, you know, determine the entire course of our country.

Drake: Yeah, I’m all over the Mad Men finale too. And that election thingsy-whatsit.

Andy: I had a nightmare that there’d be only two questions when I get into the polling station. 1) Do you wish to suspend term limits? and 2) Vote for Bush.

Andy: I’d fucking kill myself.