Drake and Andy Go to the TVs week 6

by andybeckerman

Well, folks, sweeps is over, and what do we have to show for it except the end of a great basic cable show (The Shield), the cancellation of a great network show (Pushing Daisies), and the cancellation of a ton of shitty, tepid slices of cat crap (too numerous to mention). But what did Drake and I decide to talk about this week mostly? Shows for old people. People way older than either of us, and I’m in my late 20s and Drake is…I have no idea. How old are you anyway, pal? Let me into your life. Please don’t keep me at a distance. Oh god, why does everyone leave me?

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Drake: Good evening.

Andy: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey

Drake: So how’s it going? It’s been a while since we’ve done one of these.

Andy: I’ve got some Chex Mix and some chocolate milk, and I don’t have to go back to my shitty temp job for another 13 hours, soooooo not bad.

Drake: What is this temp job anyway? I hear so much about this. This is your real job by the way.

Andy: I can’t give specifics just in case, but basically it’s a white collar McDonald’s job.

Drake: Haha. Just in case somebody wants to find you? That’s fair. I would do that.

Andy: I do the work of a chimp that tried to commit suicide by blowing its brains out, but fucked up and now has to live like a brain invalid forever. But this is what paying one’s dues is like, I guess.

Drake: Yeah I’m wary of anybody who’s writing and doesn’t have at least one low-paying, dream-killing job horror story. It’s par for the course.

Andy: I would love to be independently wealthy, but alas, my parents had to be middle class instead of wealthy elites. Fucking cocksuckers.

Drake: So lets talk shop. TV. Thoughts?

Andy: I just found out Brotherhood is back on. And they’re five episodes in or something, so I have to now catch up. You watch it?

Drake: I have not. Sell me on it.

Andy: It’s like the worst parts of The Wire and The Sopranos. How’s that for a sales pitch? I’m just practicing for when I’ll get to pitch to networks.

Drake: It could work.

Andy: “It’s like the third season of Lost meets Mein Kampf.”

Hey Jews, why don’t you get…Lost. Seriously, get the fuck out of here.

Drake: Better! Yeah ok, I’d watch that.

Andy: Anyway, the acting on Brotherhood is good, so it makes up for its deficiencies.

Drake: Who’s on it?

Andy: Annabeth Gish is the only person I recognized right off the bat, and until I IMDBed it, I didn’t really know from where.

Andy: The X-Files, by the way.

Drake: And nearly as importantly, the oldest Bartlett girl from The West Wing.

Andy: I never watched that.

Drake: The West Wing?

Andy: Yeah, never saw it.

Drake: Phenomenal show. Especially the first 2-3 seasons. You’re missing out.

Andy: So I’ve heard. Brotherhood’s got Jason Isaacs too. He was in this one BBC miniseries that was half-decent called The State Within. Oh yeah, Ethan Embry as well.

Drake: Well sounds, like it’s worth a look. But I have something I want to get to, since it pertains to this week: Boston Legal.

Andy: Is that the show with James Spader?

Drake: Yeah.

Andy: And William Shatner.

Drake: After 5, really 4 and a half seasons, Crane, Poole and Schmidt is closing up shop.

Well, on the one hand, I can go back to acting creepy in movies, and on the other hand… Where is my other hand anyway? Oh, there it is, on my cock.

Andy: Their law firm, I take it.

Drake: I feel like a lot of our problems are centering around not watching the same things….

Andy: I think our problems revolve around your numerous STDs.

Drake: What? Since when is three “numerous?”

Andy: It’s “many” and that’s some too much for my tastes. So, wait, Boston Common is canceled?

Uh, there’s the woman from Monk, and, uh, David Paymer, I think…and some other…someone

Drake: …

Drake: Yeah. Anyway here’s the point

Andy: Whatever happened to Anthony Clark anyway? And now Boston Practice is canceled. Apparently, shows with the word “Boston” in them get canceled. I will have to rename my show about the Boston Massacre that I am writing.

Drake: The show has a history of breaking the fourth wall to suit it’s own purposes and in the penultimate episode, the writers made a non-so-veiled jab at the network for being aged biased

Andy: Really? That’s awesome.

Drake: You should call your show “Malibu Massacre” I’d be much more inclined to watch that. In fact, I may have to write that. But my point was this…

Andy: You’re welcome to the idea. Populate it with rich teens; the fuckwits will eat it up like it was gold-coated turds.

Drake: Jesus. You’re going to regret saying that. Written contract! Now you’ll never get the rights back.

Drake: But back on Boston Legal…

Andy: I’m sure I can find a lawyer to sue you if that idea does make you rich.

Drake: It really is the only network show I can think of that plays to that audience both in content and actors.

Andy: What? Elderly skeletons?

Drake: I think they prefer “America’s Greatest Generation” of skeletons but sure. Whatever. They’re really isn’t much in the way of programming for older people. Which is not to say that there’s a lot good on, even if you’re in your twenties…

Drake: …and devilishly handsome…

Drake: …and write with Andy Beckerman on the nationallampoon.com…

Andy: I can’t imagine who you’re describing. Because it doesn’t fit your hideous visage. If you would have said, “The strange rat-creature that writes with Andy Beckerman”, I could understand what you meant. Otherwise, I am at a loss.

Drake: HISSSSSS!

Andy: Do rats hiss?

Drake: I dunno.

Andy: Now you’re a snake-freak.

Drake: I don’t live in squalor and work a temp job.

Andy: Touché.

Drake: So anyway, I was going to ask you if there was really anything on for folks over 50?

Drake: Excluding PBS

Andy: Dancing with the Stars?

Drake: And the box DVDs of JAG.

Andy: I bet you watch JAGOFF.

Drake: Wait, is Dancing with the Stars for oldies?

Andy: I’ve never seen it. My friend watches it though and she’s 29, so I guess not. I mean, you want a shows that’s tailored specifically for an older demographic?

Drake: Andy, I’m going to be serious for a second.

Andy: Ok.

Drake: I don’t think Jagoff is a real show.

Andy: Hahaha!

Drake: We are having a serious conversation! People come here for our credentials and our journalist integrity! You can’t just go around making up show’s all willy-nilly.

Andy: On an actual serious note, why do people treat entertainment “news” like actual journalism?

Drake: I have no idea.

Andy: Or think there are real standards in covering celebrity snatch shots?

Drake: A better question is, why do so many people treat journalism like taking a shit on the carpet? There’s no reason it’s like taking a shit on the carpet. I just thought that was an appropriate visual.

Andy: Like, NBC News totally ignored a story about how their military analysts were paid Pentagon propagandists because it’d make them look bad for using the analysts (and continuing to use them years after the story broke in The Nation and then again in the New York Times recently). But like, who gives a shit about standards if you’re trying to get a the dish on Angelina Jolie’s baby bump or whatever?

Drake: I’m pretty sure that baby’s out, btw.

Andy: Wait, have you ever taken a shit on the carpet?

Drake: What recently? No.

Andy: Are you trying to tell me something about why you had to mysteriously borrow my carpet when you were house sitting for me?

Drake: I should really go. This has gotten too real for me.

Andy: What are you hiding?

Andy: You watch The Shield, right?

Drake: Most definitely.

Andy: What’d you think of the ending?

An ending worthy of Sartre or Camus, whomever the fuck they are.

Drake: I liked it. I’ve been satisfied by that all around. Which is pretty unusual.

Andy: Holy shit: Shane blowing his brains out. That was one of the most intense series finales I’ve ever seen, if not the most intense.

Andy: I want you to think about what happened to Shane if you ever steal my Malibu Massacre idea. Let it be an object lesson.

Drake: You can’t dangle ideas like that in front on me! I can’t help myself. Malibu Massacre is going to relaunch Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s career!

Andy: Keep tempting the bony finger of Death, pal. Keep tempting.