Drake and Andy Go to the TVs week 7

by andybeckerman

Well, the hoily-days is over, as soon will be our long national nightmare. I’m talking about the break between the end of the fall season and the beginning of the winter one! What did you think I was talking about? Anyway, Drake is fresh back from getting a ton of presents for Christmas, while I mostly got batteries and napkins for my second-rate Jew Days. Miracle of Lights, my ass. Actually, I have no idea if Drake is Christian or not, but he doesn’t know Yiddish, so he ain’t no Chosen. Go back to Gaza, loser! (so that I can murder you with impunity). Hey, Television!:

Drake: S’up, honkey?

Andy: Hello, Drek, I mean, Drake.

Andy: BAM!

Drake: Was that a burn? I don’t get the subtleties of your humor.

Andy: If only you knew Yiddish.*

Drake: Anyway, 2009! Fuck 2008!  I have so much TV I want to talk about. Can you feel the enthusiasm?

Andy: I know. We’ve been off for the holidays. Can you curb the enthusiasm?

Drake: No! There’s just too much. I want to talk about Leverage, Andy. I don’t hate it!

Andy: Go on.

Drake: 2009 is going to be the year of TV we don’t hate.

Andy: I may doubt that statement.

Drake: It’s the bastard child of Ocean’s Eleven and the A-Team. That about sums it up.

Andy: I love it when a bland comes together.

Drake: It’s about a crew of criminals, and their good-guy leader, who right wrongs and give to the poor and what have you by screwing over large corporations.

Andy: Does he murder the CEOs?

Drake: Usually, it involves some sort of elaborate con game involving fake accents and stealing jewels, so no, generally no; they don’t murder CEOs. At least, not yet. They just steal their money.

We’re like that movie The Grifters. Except we’re not shitty.

Andy: Because I think that’s the only way I could get into the show.

Drake: It’s basic cable.

Andy: Like there’s an episode with a Bernie Madoff-like guy, and they cut his face off. Then they take his family, and bury them alive. But right before they die, they dig them up. Nurse them back to health. And then bury them again.

Drake: See suddenly, we’re really moving away from primetime TV and into Bernie Madoff torture porn. Which might actually sell.

Andy: It’s the only vicarious anti-corporate TV I could stand to watch.

Aaaaaaaaay, Mr. and Mrs. C, it’s me Ponzi!

Drake: Well Ok. But for anybody reading this…ask yourself:

Andy: Like, another episode, they’d just poison the cafeteria at the NY Stock Exchange

Drake: Are you somewhat less inclined to bury people alive than Andy?

Drake: If you answered yes, you might enjoy this show. Though I think you could make a string of internet videos here, Andy. People would watch that.

Andy: I should pitch this. “It’s like Dexter meets Leverage“.

Drake: Wow. Sold. That’s officially the next bubble. Maybe Wall Street could invest in that. What are you going to call it?

Andy: Blood Money.

Drake: Whoa. That just markets itself.

Andy: If only I had the clout or connections to actually pitch this.

Drake: If only…You could always pitch it to the higher ups at the Lampoon.

Andy: Don’t they just make teen movies? And not torture-fantasies for frustrated leftists?

Drake: Do teens not like Wall Street torture sagas? I’m going to need to see some numbers on that.

Andy: I will go take a survey. I will stand outside of the high school near my apartment and ask questions.

Drake: I see no way this could end poorly.

Andy: While wearing a sandwich board that says, “Not a Pedo”.

Drake: That board is key. It’s a little something lawyer folks call indemnity.

Andy: In a hilarious mix-up, some paint will cover up the “Not”, and I will get arrested.

Andy: Anyway, enough of the set up for me to be murdered in a holding cell, let’s talk tofurkey.

Drake: Ok?

Andy: I’m dying in these weeks without new shows.

Drake: That’s certainly true.

Andy: There’s The IT Crowd and I’ve been going back over Venture Bros. Season 2.

Drake: Now see, that’s a great show. I see nothing wrong with that.

Andy: Yeah, I love The Venture Bros. Although their narratives can get a little incoherent (though not in a good way). I was listening to one of the commentaries, and they were talking about how they want to fit in as much as possible. And I’m totally down with that, but there’s a way to do that without having to sacrifice story.

Andy: See 30 Rock.

Drake: Yeah. But the nature of the show is a little obscure, so that doesn’t bother me so much. It’s does sacrifice continuity for random one liners.

Andy: Sometimes they just sacrifice the story itself.

Drake: Sure.

Andy: Which part of me really appreciates.

Drake: Like the yardsale episode, that clearly just doesn’t make any sense and they decided to go off and talk about Depeche Mode for a while. But hey, whatever.

Andy: I can’t remember that episode real well. But I have another example.

Drake: By the way, that show had just about the best line ever with “It feels like someone with a fever is yelling at my pants!’

Andy: That line is from one of my favorite episodes, by the way.

Drake: See I’m in your head.

Andy: In season 2, the episode “Fallen Arches”, where Doctor Orpheus assembles a team, and there are nemesis try-outs. There’s a whole sub-plot with their nemesis taking a dump in the Venture Bros. bathroom. But it’s plotted rather badly and is just kind of jumbled.

Drake: Haha. I definitely remember that. Yeah. I can see that.

Andy: And I don’t need the story spoon-fed to me, but I’d like a little coherence.

Drake: Yeah I gotcha, it’s got a twinge of the bad Monty Python problem.

Andy: So, what were your favorites this year? What are you looking forward to next year?

Drake: Oh, we’re doing a year end wrap up? That seems to be the thing to do as of late.

Drake: Honestly, 2008 sucked. Hard. We’ve really covered most of the highpoints. Except for Testees. Which I think we can get to.

Andy: I was just asking. No wrap-up agenda. I barely remember this last year. All I know is that some dickhole cancelled Pushing Daisies, and for that he can go get fucked by a bear trap.

Drake: Damn right. Hear that dickholes!? Kristen Chenoweth deserves to be in prime time!

Andy: She’s on some new show. Some lawyer thing, I think.

Drake: Oh?

Andy: Christ, I know this is sexist, and I apologize in advance, but her and Anna Friel make me want to hang myself.

In real life, a woman like me wouldn’t even vomit in your direction. Wait, that’s a good thing. Shit.

Andy: The show is some David E. Kelley thing. Legally Mad, I think it’s called?

Drake: Ah. So it is. I could get behind that.

Andy: Is that supposed to be a double entendre?

Drake: It wasn’t supposed to be. But sure, why not. This here’s a comedy show. Although considering Boston Legal and Pushing Daisies got cancelled…This does seem a bit like the forced Frankenstein’s monster of their remains. I’m intrigued.

Andy: Oh fuck, I’ll tell you what I’m looking forward to. The rest of Battlestar Galactica season 4.

Drake: We should get into that more. Yes. Agreed. We should honestly right up a Lampoon’s guide to finding Cylons. That would be a good job for us.

Andy: I’ve told you my theory about the final cylon, haven’t I?

Drake: I think you actually have. We did this a few weeks back. Although, if there’s more, I’m all for it…

Andy: Nope. It’s Billy.

Drake: Ah.

Andy: That’s about all. I’ve shot my proverbial wad.

Drake: Yikes…Also for 2009, 24 and Dollhouse… Things are looking up! Enthusiasm!

Andy: I’ve never watched 24.

Drake: Really?

Andy: The whole torture thing really bothered me.

Drake: Ah. Didn’t you just want to torture and bury people alive?

Andy: I’m all for torturing greedy stock brokers or hedge fund managers, but otherwise…

Drake: Oh ok. Well that’s fair enough.

Andy: I want to torture and kill economic criminals that cause mass misery.

Drake: Most of these guys are just not telling Jack what he needs to know about the missile. Or missiles. It depends on the season.

Andy: Yeah, see that scenario never happens in real life, yet almost all fiction with terrorists has that scene in it. And from actual studies, torture never, ever works. There isn’t one case of people getting reliable intel from torture.

Drake: Yeah it certainly isn’t reliable. On that we do have numbers. The high schooler thing, less so.

Andy: See, when I want to make a show about torturing CEOs, it’s not about extracting information, but about getting revenge.

Andy: Dollhouse, I’m still worried about, but Ill give it a chance.

Drake: Yeah. I’ll certainly tune in. But the premise is fairly mired in “What the hell? Android dolls?”

Andy: Yeah, they’re what, blank slates that get programmed based on what the client wants?

Drake: Yeah.

Andy: Seems a little prostitute-ish.

Heavily-re-written Whores this winter on FOX.

Drake: However, I get the impression they do retain some of their own personality.

Drake: And yes, yes it does. The robot hooker thing is going to have to be addressed.

Andy: Still, it seems like such an improbable premise. Who the fuck would start a business like that? You’d have to be a fucking sociopath.

Drake: A sociopath with a army of Eliza Dushku robots…Now there’s a show. Cut and print.

Drake: We never got to talk Testees. And now we’re done.

Andy: Yeah, wait, what the fuck is Testees? Testees!

Drake: We can talk about Testees next week.

Andy: I won’t even look up what it is. I’ll wait and be surprised.

Drake: Call it a cliffhanger.

Andy: A vaguely ball-sounding cliffhanger.

* Drake’s Frum Facts: Drek is Yiddish for excrement, trash or inferior merchandise–We just hit you with some knowledge!