Entourage: The Worst Show I Cannot Stop Watching

by ThaneEconomou

A coworker of mine asked what happened in last night’s episode of Entourage. I responded: “nothing.” Absolutely nothing happened in last night’s episode. So why do I keep watching this show?

My name is Thane and I have an addiction to Entourage.

Experts I’ve spoken to say it’s very easy to give up watching a show. They give examples of men and women who have quit Lost cold turkey. I cannot. I lack the will power. But more importantly, I like this show. Despite how bad and lame and repetitive it’s become, I still like this retarded show.

What I like: every episode has hot women, interesting industry speak and Ari doing something amusing with Lloyd. Maybe Johnny Drama gets in a funny line. But the inventiveness and fun of the first three seasons are long gone. All that remains is a group of buddies that I must tune in with weekly, or else I’ll feel like I’m losing my friends.

I got my fix last fall, with a semi-good season of Entourage in which the boys battle Jason Patric. But then the winter came. At night I had cold sweats. I tried calming the inner demons by substituting my love with another show. But somehow The United States of Tara couldn’t fill the hole.

Now the show is back on, and I feel warm inside. Despite my teeth getting loose, I feel better than ever. Which is why I was surprised when I entered by home to find my friends and family staging an intervention.

They started by telling me they love me, but I need to stop watching Entourage. I said I know its not good, but I’ve got it under control. They pointed to the fact that I keep buying the season DVDs, despite them not being good enough to watch a second time. They pointed out that every episode, with Vince messing something up yet getting the movie role anyway, has become ridiculously repetitive.

I burst into tears, and my family took me to a facility – far, far from Entourage. They showed me all the quality comedy shows currently on HBO. Eastbound and Down. Flight of the Conchords. Curb Your Enthusiasm. There was no need to stick with something this mediocre any longer.

I write now from my hospital room. Can I live in a world without Vince, E, Turtle, Drama, Ari, Lloyd, or Mrs. Ari? In a world where Head On, Queen’s Blvd, Aquaman, Medallion, and Scorcese’s Gatsby never existed?

I understand now my addiction. In the early seasons, I watched Entourage for the high. Now I only watch so I don’t feel sick.

That’s it. I’m done. I don’t need thirty minutes of Jeremy Piven and boobs to get me through the week. I finally feel good about myself. I feel free. I will never watch Entourage again.

Editor’s Note: Thane relapsed upon leaving the facility, arriving home and binging on a weekend of HBO On Demand.