This Month is Like a Celebrity Version of Final Destination

The next celebrity to die will die in 3D

The last few days especially have caused a great amount of suffering to Americans, not only because we have lost some of our nation’s most beloved public figures like Billy Mays, but also because we’ve been forced to recall a series of horrible, horrible films know as Final Destination. If you’ve never seen Final Destination, or saw it as a date movie and so were not paying attention, or started to see it but then threw up all over your own face and got vomit in your eyes and had to leave the theater to wash it out, or took a rain check to catch the end of Erin Brockovich, the film is about this sexy teenager named Devon Sawa who is about to go on a kick-ass field trip before he gets this way-accurate feeling that the plane is going to blow up and kill everybody. Already, you know something is wrong because sexy teenagers are supposed to go towards death, like in Friday the 13^th, not away from death. This is called deconstructing the genre—silly Devon Sawa! He compels all his hot buddies like Ali Larter not to follow generic convention and get off of that plane! This is probably a good idea because a lot of planes are known to have snakes on them because some passengers want to assassinate other passengers by releasing the snakes from their time-release cages, and they trick the other passengers into wearing leis that are doused in snake pheromones …. TOTAL BUZZ KILL!

If those teenagers’ only problem in this world is assassin snakes, what a wonderful world that would be! But they have something infinitely more terrifying to reckon with—Death himself, who is so personified and angry that Devon Sawa has thwarted his plans AGAIN, like in Caspar where he comes back from being a ghost to being a hot teenager, and Death is probably crushing on him too and that’s why he wants Devon to die so Devon can finally be with him. So for the next two hours, Devon tries to prevail against Death’s cruel love games, but Death is a wanton temptress with Borderline Personality Disorder who never takes his meds, and he is always cock-blocking Devon from figuring him out. So at the end of the movie you don’t even know where this relationship is going, sort of like in Annie Hall, and that is why Final Destination is known as “The Annie Hall of Supernatural Thrillers.”

As you can see, the resemblance between Final Destination and Real Life is uncanny, but this time it is actually celebrities and not Devon Sawa who are cheating death. And in real life there is no need to set up stuff for sequels, so death (with a small d) was able to catch up with David Carradine who was cheating him with his perverted sex games, and Farrah Fawcett whose beauty transcended time and Billy Mays who had been dodging suitcases for far too long.

In conclusion, celebrities will not stop dying until the release of Final Destination 4, otherwise known as The Final Destination. Also, it will be in 3D, and that means that the next celebrity to die will die in 3D.