Girl Goes Gay Because Facebook Tells Her To.

24-year-old Stephanie Simmers of Orange County, “came out” as a lesbian last Friday to her friends and family at her church potluck. According to partygoers, it was because she had just taken the Facebook Quiz “How Gay Are You?” that rated her as 97% gay.

“We were all deeply shocked”, says Stephanie’s mother, Greta Simmers. “She had been engaged to Bobby Goodling for almost two years and the wedding was planned for August!”

Stephanie showed up around 2pm, arm in arm with a large woman in tight jeans, motorcycle boots, and a ribbed tank. The woman’s hair was slicked back and Stephanie wasn’t wearing a bra. “Dolores seemed nice and all”, said Stephanie’s mother, “But Stephanie had never even mentioned liking a  girl before.”

Minutes later, fellow congregants said that Bobby Goodling hit his knees, crying out “It was just a stupid F*cking Facebook quiz. They’re totally unfounded, social time-wasters. Please baby, don’t take it literally!” To which Stephanie replied: “But the results were posted on my wall and now everyone’s gonna think I’m gay. -And anyway, if I try to deny it, I’ll be ostracized by my new lesbian family.”

The church pastor shrugged, tossed his bible into the nearby creek and walked off. Bobby Goodling ran out of the garden, crying, because he now knew what he had to do… He had just taken the Facebook quiz: “How Suicidal Are You?” and scored a 98%.