Henry Winkler sets out to destroy Steve Guttenberg!

by Garrett Hargrove

Guttenberg Trades Hollywood For Village Panto

12 December 2008 4:16 AM, PST
Actor Steve Guttenberg turned down two Hollywood movies to perform in an English village pantomime - on the advice of former Happy Days star Henry Winkler.

The Police Academy star plays Baron Hardup in a Christmas production of Cinderella at the Churchill Theatre in Bromley, Kent.

And Guttenberg has revealed he rejected big money film offers in order to perform at the 785 capacity venue, after consulting The Fonz actor Winkler - who has been appearing in pantomime for the past two years.

Guttenberg says, “I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to do it as I was offered two movies at the same time. One was an action film which I think will be a pretty good movie and the other is a romcom.

“I spoke to my friend Henry Winkler, who is a wonderful guy, and he said, ‘Do it. You will have the most wonderful time of your life.’ Henry is one of the smartest guys in showbusiness today so I said, ‘Yeah’.”

The Fonz advised Steve Guttenberg to go do British pantomime instead of either of two movies being thrust in his direction.  Pantomime is know for being creepy, awkward and a dead end for acting careeres.  And Guttenberg is going to take his advice.  I can’t imagine that The only logical explanation: Winkler and Guttenberg were up for the same part.

Among the other tidbits of career advice offered to Guttenberg by Winkler:

1. The world of competitive eating really needs a superstar like you, Steve.  I’ve been doing it for the past two years and its the best thing that’s ever happened to me!
2. Hold out for another Three Men and a Baby sequel.  I waited two years for a sequel to The Waterboy and it was the best thing that ever happened to me!
3. Did you ever see Being John Malkovich?  You know how they had that world of competitive puppeteering?  You should wait for them to make a movie about someone who live in your head them makes you do competitive puppeteering, before you do anything else.  John Malkovich waited for two years to get that made and it was the best thing that ever happened to him!
4. If you take that part from me, I will call Ron Howard and he will destroy you!

In in pseudo-related article, here’s how to create Attention Grabbing headlines from nothing quotes.

Inference

The best way is to infer what the speaker meant when saying the phrase.   So when Steve Guttenberg says that he has two pretty good movie scripts offered to him and Henry Winkler tells him to turn those down for the assuredly bad Cinderalla Pantomime in England in front of about 50 British people, you can infer that Henry Winkler does not want Steve Guttenberg to be in good films.  In order for Steve Guttenberg to continue his successful career as a film actor, he should act in pretty good films.  Henry Winkler being a smart man knows this.  Therefore, Henry Winkler is obviously trying to destroy Steve Guttenberg’s career.  Then you conveniently leave off the “’s career” on the headline.

Selective Excerpts:

Reeves: ‘Fame Is A Drag’

12 December 2008 8:02 AM, PST

Keanu Reeves has branded life as a famous actor “a drag” - insisting he doesn’t understand why the paparazzi are interested in taking snaps of his every move.

The Matrix star is frequently followed by photographers who are eager to get pictures of him to sell, and the actor admits he tires of the endless pursuit - especially when they target him as he performs mundane chores.

But despite hating the downsides of fame, Reeves admits the huge pay cheques he garners from his Hollywood career have helped make his life bearable.

He says, “Fame is a drag. The paparazzi culture is more pervasive that it used to be - ‘let’s watch the actor pump gas’.

“On the positive side, it’s nice not to have to worry about bills. Money buys you the freedom to live your life the way you want. I’ve been able to earn a really good living and start a charity foundation, which is nice.”

Reeves was cleared of injuring a paparazzo, Alison Silva, in November after the snapper sued the star, claiming the actor knocked him to the ground with his Porsche, leaving him with debilitating injuries.

Take a blanket statement, ignore the “on the other hand” and simplify by using on the actor’s name, colon and the harshest part of the who interview.  Like the above.  Keanu stated that Fame was a drag because the paparazzi are worse than legions of the undead descending upon Hollywood and eating brains.

They conveniently left out the “on the other hand” that stated that the good thing about fame was that it allowed him to lead a posh lifestyle and start a charity.  But no.  You read the headline either a.) wondering just how depressed Ted “Theodore” Logan is and hoping there’s a glimmer of hope in the blurb and that he isn’t thinking about ending it all or b.) ready to bash him for being an ungrateful twit at all that life has given him.  Then, you read on, through paragraphs of analysis on his quote before you get to his quote and forget why you started reading it in the first place.

Changing Verbs:

I will do something.  I vow to do something.  Basically mean the same thing.  One just carries more weight.

Dane Vows To Console Walsh

A representative for Walsh has since confirmed the couple’s split, which came just 15 months after they said their vows: “Papers have been filed to amicably end the marriage of executive Alex Young, and actress Kate Walsh. The couple remain on friendly terms and sincerely hope the media will respect their privacy during this difficult time.” End of Blurb.12 December 2008 8:02 AM, PST

Eric Dane has offered his Grey’s Anatomy co-star Kate Walsh a shoulder to cry on following the breakdown of her marriage.

The actor is yet to speak to Walsh since she announced her divorce from movie executive Alex Young, citing irreconcilable differences.

But he promised to get in touch and console her as soon as he can - after prompting from a journalist.

Dane told reporters, “That’s terrible. No, I haven’t seen her. I’ve got to call her. Thanks for reminding me that I need to call her and say, ‘That’s terrible’.”

To me, the quote reads “Oops, I forgot to call her.  Thanks for reminding me.”  The headline reads, “I will not sleep, eat or drink until this wrong has been avenged.  By Grabthar’s hammer… I shall call Kate Walsh!”

He doesn’t even offer to console her like that article states.  The only thing he firmly agrees to is to tell her that yes, in fact, it is terrible that you are splitting from your husband.  Then he would hang up.  And that’s why they used the verb “vow” instead of “will”.  Even the most mundane of tasks sound better when you vow to do them.

“I vow to order a pizza.”  “I admire your dedication to that task.”

“I will order a pizza.”  “Let me know when you grow some balls and want to commit to it.”

Blanket Statements from Single Events:

Reeves Is Jealous Of Jackman

12 December 2008 8:02 AM, PST

Hollywood actor Keanu Reeves is jealous of Hugh Jackman - because the Australian star landed Reeves’ dream role in the X-men franchise.

Reeves is a longtime comicbook fan and would have loved to play the role of Wolverine - the part which was handed to Jackman - in the movie series.

He says, ” I had a little actor envy when Hugh Jackman got to play Wolverine and I didn’t. The claws are cool and I liked his fortitude and honour.”

From the headline “Reeved Is Jealous of Hugh Jackman”, you conjure up images of Keanu’s lair lined with pictures of Hugh Jackman, and Neo cursing at every one.  You may even think this was the cause of the previous blurb that made Keanu so angry that he would curse fame.  But no.  He Keanu just thought it would have been cool to play Wolverine.  And to make this nothing, throw-away line seem interesting, you turn the phrase “a little actor envy” into full blown, rage-like “Is Jealous Of”.

So, now you know how to make headline that are nowhere near to the truth, not far fetched enough to get you sued for libel and will get your blurb noticed!