Human Girl Seeking Sexy, Telepathic Vampire Boyfriend

I am a self-deprecating awkward teen looking for a vampire boy toy with low self-esteem and skin that sparkles in the sun. He must be at least 100 years of age but looks like a 23 year old pretending to be a high school senior. His facial features have to be perfect. End of story. He must be a vegetarian and possess superhuman strength, speed, endurance, agility, and enjoy most genres of music with the exception of country.

He ought to be from a family of weird, incestuous vampires that skip school for weeks on end and also enjoy playing baseball during thunderstorms.

Must overact and save my life when I get into trouble. No fangs necessary. True Blood vamps need not apply because they’re icky and just aren’t hot enough. Again, will not respond if facial features aren’t impossibly beautiful.