Just Coming Right Out and Saying It… Twilight Kid Creeps Me Out (The Repost!)

by Garrett Hargrove

(Re-posting in honor of New Moon coming out today)

Robert Pattinson creeps me the hell out. I haven’t even seen his vampire movie. All I know him as is the kid who died in the Goblet of Fire and the guy who takes creepy photos. Look at the above picture. There’s something very, very wrong about him. He has Ivan Drago’s chin, hair you see on your average homeless man and dead eyes. Cold, dead eyes.

Pattinson has that annoying combination of being the obsession of twelve year old girls across the country and a “I’m so f’ing cool I don’t even poop” attitude about him that makes him unlikeable, but this dislike goes way beyond that. Even after Leo DiCaprio sank with the Titanic and girls swooned over him, there was a dislike, but I never got the shivers down my spine seeing pictures of him.

Maybe he just had bad publicists or bad photographers. Look at the above. Did the photographer tell him, “Have your mouth slightly agape, like you are totally dumbfounded by this device called a camera. Like you’re about to run in the special olympics. Damn. Not quite awkward enough. Can we get some more dirt in his hair to make it more frumpy?”

If you started out with Brad Pitt, then started sucking his soul out of him, then stopped after you were 71% complete, you would end up with Robert Pattinson. That’s my mathematical equation for it.

Its one thing to make fun of his doofy pictures, but I need to get down to why he is so creepy. What separates him from Zac Efron? I have to rule out the vampire thing because I haven’t seen that movie and I don’t plan on it after talking to one of my fellow geeks who was groaning about seeing it. Even after asking him, “but even though its a chick flick, it has vampires in it, so it can’t be all bad, right?” He then gave me that “you just don’t know look” and walked away.

So, I did the modern day equivalent of going to the library. I wandered over to google. “What makes a guy creepy?” I know what makes a girl creepy. We can discuss that later. Guys don’t discuss on the internet what makes guys creepy and this was validated by Google. So I had to find out what females thought made guys creepy. “kylies_mommy” offered this up:

I would describe a person as creepy when they have that look in their eyes.

That is definitely a component of it. He does look like he’s trying to suck your soul out of your nostrils with that hollow glare, but there’s more to it than that. When I google image searched “Creepy guy”, I found more:

There was this guy and they have THE EXACT SAME EYES! Maybe it is the eyes. But they have the same hair style. They both take pictures with their mouths agape. This may be a picture of future Robert Pattinson. Or if he is Benjamin Button-like, a picture of Robert from a few years ago.

Then there was this guy, also found under the picture search “creepy guy”. His sister told him how much she loved Twilight guy. He saw the look he was giving in all of his pictures. So he gave the look to make girls like his sister like him.

Creepy.

Maybe the guy is normal when he’s not giving “the look”. Maybe out in the real world he looks like the dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but when he gives “the look” he turns into a pedophile.

Then there was this guy:

This guy doesn’t have teeth. Pattinson doesn’t smile so we’ve never seen his teeth. That has to be an element to it.

In conclusion, I believe it to be a combination of all of these things. And him having teenage girls swooning over him and his brooding attitude set him apart from Cillian Murphy in a creepy league of his own. Mr. Pattinson, I look forward to not watching your Twilight series. Good day.