LeVar Burton Still Alive After Car Crash; God Says “You’re Welcome”

by ThaneEconomou

LeVar Burton, the most bodacious actor in this universe, was injured in a five-car accident in West Los Angeles. The cause of the accident was most likely rabid LeVar Burton fans crashing into his Geo Prizm for attention. At a press conference earlier today, Police Commissioner Ralph Stern said, “LeVar Burton is fine.” However, some remain unconvinced, hypothesizing that Stern was only complimenting LeVar Burton’s dashing good looks.

LeVar Burton burst onto the pop culture scene starring as the little slave that could, Toby, in the epic miniseries Roots. In it, he escapes to freedom and changes his name to Kunta Kinte.

LeVar Burton returned for the sequel, Roots 2: The Escape Clause, wherein he escapes to freedom one last time, and changes his name back to Toby for tax purposes.

However, LeVar Burton became a worldwide, universally admired sex symbol and superstar in his role as Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge, the black guy with the kick ass glasses from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Geordi’s role as a handicapped minority drew praise from geeks and nerds alike. The show explored his friendship with android Data, that all saw as touching, and some saw as slightly homoerotic.

Then LeVar Burton exploded into the world of cinema, proving once and for all he is more than just a Star Trek actor, by starring in four blockbuster Star Trek movies. He even ditched his high tech glasses in the second theatrical outing, Star Trek: First Contacts.

LeVar Burton is a personal role model to many people around the globe, much like a modern day Martin Luther King Jr. In fact, LeVar Burton played Martin Luther King Jr. in the movie Ali. Watching the movie, film critic Rich Crudip said, “it is as if the ghost of King has taken over LeVar Burton’s body. I felt chills. I got hard.”

However, LeVar Burton’s contribution to society is most deeply felt by being the longtime host of The Reading Rainbow. Statistics recently released by the University of Phoenix show that seven out of eight adults today would be illiterate if not for LeVar Burton.

LeVar Burton has been a cross demographic, well spoken god among men for decades now. When a young, black Illinois community organizer named Barack came to him for guidance, LeVar Burton mentored him to greatness. Obama even offered the Secretary of Education position to LeVar Burton, who sadly had to pass due to his ongoing duties as actor/director on this year’s surefire hit Reach For Me, a dramedy about interracial love at a nursing home.

Yes, this movie is real. And yes, LeVar Burton is a hero.

So today, LeVar Burton survived a life threatening car crash. Tomorrow … only time can tell. There is no limit to his powers. He can defeat slavery and illiteracy. He can boldly go where no man has gone before.

He is LeVar Burton.