Levi Johnston’s Inner Monologue: A Retrospective

by charliegaeta

August 2008

Oh man, guess what? That chick I been nailin who’s mom’s the Governer. Man she just got nominated for Vice President. She’s gonna sit right in the White House with John McCain. And then, after he’s been president or dies or something, she becomes the president. That means I’ll be nailin the president’s daughter! Hell man they’ll probably let me use Presidential Condoms with the seal on ‘em an everything.  Not that I use ‘em. Condoms are for liberal wusses who got no control. I got  a tried and true method, and I ain’t never slipped one past the goalie.

 

September 2008

Oh, man damn Bristol just got pregnant. Man I can’t believe this happened. Oh, well I’m sure this will want to be kept quiet by the Governor. We’ll probably get on a chopper and fly overnight to some California abortion clinic. I’m sure they don’t want this to leak out. What? Shoot man I’m already on the cover of the Inquirer. Damn those paparazzi. I knew they were hanging around that Anchorage Planned Parenthood for a reason. Uh-oh Levi. You might have gotten yourself into a sticky one here. He he, no pun intended.

 

October 2008

Can’t believe I’m gonna be a dad. Well at least I’m kind of a celebrity now. I got more myspace hits than anybody in my town. Plus I’m still bangin the governor’s and soon to be president’s daughter and this means we’ll have to get married so I’m in that family for life man. I’ll be like prince Albert over there in England. Except I won’t go to war, I’ll work on an oil rig just like my daddy before me. Yep. Doin God’s work here. Extracting the most useful never-ending natural resource ever seen. We aint never runnin out of this stuff.

 

November 2008

Damn, I aint getting no lovin at home. Man, her mom won’t get off my case about getting my GED. I ain’t no scholar I keep telling her. I call her “the beast” behind her back, but she doesn’t know. She just keeps collecting Prada.  Don’t matter now, we lost, man we lost huge. Probably was all the Liberal bias in the media. At least we got to stay in the Plaza for free when we went to that demon hell-hole New York City. I never seen so many Jews and homosexuals together in my whole life.  Bristol called it “Jew York City” I’m still laughin about that one.

 

December 2008

Ain’t this baby ever gonna come? I been playin the skin flute and dressin up in collared shirts for three months now. I thought it would all pay off when I was sittin pretty on the White House back porch shootin clay pigeons and tearin my four-wheeler around Camp David. The beast better get off my case now about helping with the baby when it comes. This aint fun anymore. Bristol is bigger than a Kardashian now!

 

January 2009

Aw, man That should be me up there on the Lincoln Memorial. The damn black guy got all the votes. Stupid electoral process ruins everything. Why can’t just the real Americans get to vote? Man, we gotta find a way to be president. I can’t deal with this baby in Alaska. I’m gonna need some government assistance with this one. Hey, I guess it doesn’t matter whether we get to be the first family or now. Either way, the government  is takin care of this baby. It’s either White House baby food or runnin up the expense account at the Governors Beast’s office. Either way, I win baby!

 

February 2009

Bristol better get that baby away from me before I punt it out the back door. I am so sick of her and  “The Beast” yellin at me about tracking oil in from the oil rig. I work on an oil rig ladies. Do you know what that means? I get oil all over myself every day and sometimes it gets on my shoes and gets tracked into the house. I thought we bought stain-master carpet for just such a reason. God, I hate you both.

 

March 2009

Bristol and me split up for good. I still gotta pay for that baby, but at least I’m free from “The Beast”  Now who wants to date the former Mr. Bristol Palin. Check out my resume I was a near miss for first family. I’m free and available ladies. Who wants to date? I’m movin to Florida. Can’t wait to see the book I write.