Lost: Nothing New Revealed! And Spoilers!

by ThaneEconomou

At their epic Comic-Con panel, executive producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse were forthcoming and very open about offering absolutely no information about the sixth season of Lost.

However, I have gotten my hands on the secret scripts from season six. I spent several months bribing the guards, seducing the maids, and studying the office blue prints. Upon entering the office building late in the evening, I shot and killed a janitor who looked at me funny. Hooked up to a wire system, I maneuvered myself up and down the ventilation system. I then descended into the office. As I was hacking into the computer mainframe, J.J. Abrams entered. He informed me that he hadn’t worked on the show for years, and I should try Carlton Cuse’s office. I left out the back.

Then I broke into Carlton Cuse’s less guarded office last night, and found the script for the sixth and final season. And let me tell you, it is crazy. What you are about to experience is a National Lampoon exclusive, and if you are adverse to spoilers, please turn away now.

- Juliet’s action did indeed detonate the bomb and the incident has destroyed the previous timeline. Therefore, the survivors never crashed on the island. Instead, Jack and Sawyer meet on the airplane and become fast friends. They begin a passionate love affair.

- In this alternate timeline, Nikki and Paulo are still alive, and nearly half the season is dedicated to their luxurious lifestyle after selling the diamonds they stole from that old guy.

- In this alternate timeline, Boone and Shannon decide it’s wrong to have incestuous sex. Then then have incestuous sex.

- In this alternate timeline, Hurley is still fat.

- In the final season of Lost, Ben will kill at least two more father figures.

- Jacob and his nemesis, known temporarily as Esau, are shown to actually just be clashing roommates. Jacob is a clean freak, but Esau is a slob, always drinking out of the carton. Can two divorced men share an island without driving each other crazy?

- Fans will need to learn Latin, because an entire episode’s dialogue will be in the Hostiles’ secret language, without subtitles.

- Richard Alpert’s back story will be revealed. Why he wears eyeliner is not.

-  Locke’s alternative life is as a rare knife salesman. Every product comes with a 25 minute creepy grin.

-  That annoying guy who gets killed with an arrow never makes it to the island, but still gets killed with an arrow.

- In the final episode’s last scene, Jack wakes in a cold sweat. He rolls over, and tells Suzanne Pleshette that he had the strangest dream.

Fans will be very pleased with the final season. Or rather, despite whatever is produced there will be rioting in the streets. City destruction and burning of small businesses is bound to occur, as bad as when the Iranian government fraudulently manipulates a supposedly democratic election thus destroying trust in the system, or when the Lakers win a championship.