The Zaz » The Most Awesome Movie You’ve Never Seen: MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS

The Most Awesome Movie You’ve Never Seen: MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS

by Thane Economou

A cinematic tour de force was recently released on DVD called Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus. Words cannot explain just how awesome it is. Well, that’s not true. I’m going to write an entire article on it.

This movie masterpiece is the latest from The Asylum Productions, who brought you such gems as Transmorphers, The Day The Earth Stopped, Snakes On A Train, The Terminators, The DaVinci Treasure, Pirates of the Treasure Island, and The 9/11 Commission Report.

This film stars former teen pop icon Debbie Gibson, who was last seen on the short lived FOX reality show Skating With Celebrities and in a February 2005 spread for Playboy magazine. And the top billed male is none other than Lorenzo Lamas, star of The Bold And The Beautiful and the judge on the short lived ABC reality show Are You Hot?

MSVGO was both written and directed by Jack Perez, the director of La Cucaracha (1998) and Wild Things 2 (2004). However, he uses the pseudonym Ace Hannah, ridiculously avoiding credit for this beautiful passion project.

The story begins when a mega shark and a giant octopus literally break out of ice they’ve been frozen in for 1.5 billion years. See, this film is obviously a caution against global warming, and the scientists actually say, “Polar ice caps are melting because of our thoughtlessness. Maybe this is our comeuppance.”

Meanwhile, in Japan, an American is talking on an oil rig to a guy about how it’s alright that he pissed on somebody. Then the giant octopus throws its tentacles up, and destroys the entire rig.

Later, in the greatest scene in American film since EVER, a plane is flying above the clouds. It hits some turbulence. A worried guy stands up, but a stewardess tells him to sit down. He does, saying, “I’m getting married in two days.” He then looks out the window and screams “HOLY SHIT!” The mega shark has jumped out of the water and bites the plane out of the sky. Not only is this the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen, but it’s also my new theory on what happened to Oceanic Flight 815.

So Debbie Gibson, a marine biologist of course, and her Irish mentor, named Lamar, figure out that the sea attacks have been caused by a megalodon, a pre-historic shark! They discovered this by studying a bone fragment during a CSI montage containing test tubes and microscopes.

Then the two meet up with a nerdy looking Japanese scientist, and from the moment Debbie Gibson meets him, the two cannot stop eye fucking each other. In fact, after the two of them have sex in a broom closet, she gets the idea to use pheromones to attract the monsters to each other. Then they can kill each other. “Thrilla in Manilla” says Debbie Gibson.

But Lorenzo Lamas is the reason to see this movie. In a supporting role, he steals every scene by being a top government official in tight black shirts with a ponytail. He’s racist, sexist, and sexy. Some of his choice lines include: “How do you propose we get these things to their locations? Send them an e-vite?” “Cool it hombre! This country actually gives a shit what you have to say!” “You two love birds wanna stop jerking off and drop that thing?” “All wolf packs are on high alert. The Japs are doing the same thing!” and “Sharkzillas gonna be in your lap in five minutes!”

At the climax of the film, Debbie Gibson and her crew are on a submarine being chased by the mega shark. They try to lose it by ducking into an ice maze, whatever that is. A really freaked out driver handles the singular joy stick which apparently controls the whole submarine. The captain – played to perfection by some dude named Dean Kreyling – yells constantly at the driver. Finally the driver flips out, pulls a gun on the captain, Lorenzo Lamas tackles him, and the Irish professor Lamar takes over the joy stick.

All seems doomed, but then the giant octopus shows up from out of freaking nowhere and attacks the mega shark. Cut to: a CGI shot of the giant octopus’s tentacles wrapped around the mega shark, that is shown at least four times. Cut to: the mega shark biting a tentacle. Cut to: the mega shark ramming the giant octopus. Cut to: well … I’m not sure what happened next because the editing was crappy, but the two monsters eventually die and sink to the bottom of the ocean.

Back on land, Debbie Gibson and her Japanese lover are making out on the beach. Perennial Irish cock block Lamar shows up and says he found strange biological activity in the North Sea. Can you say … SEQUEL!

The MSVGO DVD includes a blooper reel and a mind blowing behind the scenes featurette, with insights like how the cinematographer used a more performance oriented shooting style.

God, there was just too much awesome to explain in this article. For instance, the mega shark actually takes a bite out of the Golden Gate bridge, the giant octopus smacks a jet out of the sky with one of its tentacles and both the Japanese scientist and Debbie Gibson start quoting Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar during a webcam chat.

Ladies and gentlemen, you simply have not lived until you have seen the most awesome movie you’ve never seen. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.