Crossing Over’s John Edwards Uncovers Mystery of Michael Jackson’s Death—Natch!

by Richard

Michael had a strong Venus/Uranus complex?? This explains everything! Buy an IQ Membership on InfiniteQuest.com to resolve more of life’s impenetrable mysteries!

Just when you thought celebrities were too wise and all-knowing for this world—case in point: Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP—television psychic John Edwards unleashes something EVEN WISER and ALL-KNOWINGER. Because InfiniteQuest.com is not merely a comprehensive resource for all things supernatural—pooling resources from our nation’s preeminent astrologists, numerologists, physics, and bullshit specialists—it is foremost a mystery solver, the Sherlock Holmes of the human condition.

So in the aftermath of Michael Jackson’s death, while news networks were busy flooding the airwaves with the well-reasoned conjecture of good-lucking biographers and academics, John Edwards turned to celebrity astrologer Alan Oken.  This was an infinitely wiser decision.

Tuned into the Ivy League posturing of Anderson Cooper, I bet you didn’t stop to consider that all the enigmas of Michael Jackson’s personality—enigmas informed by years and years of public scrutiny and private suffering—can be explained by the fact that Jackson was born under the rising sign of Gemini. What does this mean, exactly? It’s complicated. But totally makes sense! In the words of Oken:

“I’ve studied his life, and I’ve studied the charts that are available, and I believe [Michael] had Gemini Rising. Because Gemini is the sign of the puer aeternus, which is Latin for Peter Pan, the Eternal Youth. It is also a dual sign, and Michael was a very dual person. On the one side, he was this incredible creative genius, and the other side he was a rather sick and disturbed human being.”

First of all….CRUEL! Does everyone know that Michael was a “sick and disturbed human being?” Yes. But do you have go and say it like that? NO. Alan Oken has already crossed the line from learned celebrity astrologer to malicious, gifted hangers-on.

Second, praise be to Alan Oken for figuring out that Michael Jackson was a “very dual person.” You know, just like you and I are very singular persons. I mean, you certainly couldn’t perceive Michael’s duality just by looking—this much is true! But there is yet more wisdom to be imparted.

“I want to point out too, that he has a Chiron on the cusp of his Tenth House, and Chiron is known to astrologers as “the wounded one,”—the “Wounded Healer”—and I think that Michael’s wounds were so obvious that they brought from his fans, compassion.”

And here I was all this time thinking Michael’s wounds were a result of years and years of emotional abuse and harsh criticism from his strict and overbearing showbiz father. But really it’s that pesky Chiron, always trying to weasel his wounded self into people’s Tenth Houses. The answer was right in front of us all along! But to continue…

“Michael’s sexuality, as we know, was for some not ambiguous at all—it was very clear. For others, it was shady and ambiguous. In any event, if Mars, the symbol of sexuality, was in the Twelfth House…[Mars] talks about hidden sexuality—a sexuality which is not obvious.”

To summarize Oken’s argument: Some people (little boys) knew the deal with Michael’s sexuality. Others (blind/deaf people) did not. This can be all be explained by the fact that Mars never is never shutting up about hidden sexuality. In case you don’t know what the word hidden means, it means “not obvious.”

“At the time of Michael’s death, Mercury was conjunct ascendant, meaning that there would be a lot of news about this man. Now, whether the news had to do with his life or with his death, the point is that the day before, and the day of, and the day after, this would show a great deal of public information being spread and shed about Michael’s life.”

So let me get this straight: The day before, the day of, or even the day after Michael Jackson’s death, public interests would both publish and circulate relevant information about his life. Because in the world of Astrology, it’s too reductionist just to say, “All the time, the public is interested in news about public figures.” Also, it is important to note that the news could either be about his life OR about his death. It could not be about, say, Michael’s prehuman existence as an immortal spirit, or “thetan.” Which is actually something that people who watch Crossing Over could say with a serious face.

“Also, Michael has a uranus conjuct venus…..”

What???

“…..which traditionally, is the astrological indicator of homosexuality. That doesn’t mean that everybody who has a strong Venus/Uranus aspect in their horoscope is gay. But it does mean that everyone with a strong Venus/Uranus aspect does have “interesting,” shall we say, relationships—relationships that are out of the ordinary. Whether they’re heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual, there is an urge within one’s sexual orientation towards the unusual.”

Oken is definitely onto something here. Because if when he refers to relationships that are “out of the ordinary”, he means relationship with your father’s bastard offspring, child actors, monkeys, matronly movie stars, sparkly gloves,  and fictional storybook characters, then yes—those are pretty interesting. Also, sux for you if you happen to have a Venus/Uranus aspect. Because this means you’re either gay, or you’re sexually attracted to the Unusual—regardless of whether this Unusual is of the same gender or of the opposite gender. Or of the opposite species. Or of glove.

“I also feel that at the time of his death, he had a Saturn-opposing moon, which continued on for the next ten days or so, and my sense is that there would have been a lot of family difficulty had he lived, problems with his siblings concerning his career. I don’t think he would have been able to put forward the plans for his 50-concert tour too easily. I think there would have been a great deal of difficulty in getting that off the ground.”

If Oken was on the right track before, he’s really hit the nail on the head with this one! I mean, who else would have figured out after the fact that Jackson’s 50-concert tour was going to be difficult to plan and organize? It’s just a shame he didn’t think to speak up about this before Jackson’s death—it would have saved a lot of people a lot of trouble.

Also….are we seriously expected to swallow this bullshit?? TROUBLE WITH SIBLINGS WHAT??? It’s widely known that throughout his life, Jackson maintained a loving, drama-free relationship with all his siblings. Also, HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE TO DIE FROM A SATURN-OPPOSING MOON BEFORE THIS MADNESS WILL END????

IN CONCLUSION: John Edwards’ InfiniteQuest.com provides knowledge so indispensable to your spiritual journey that if you want to avoid the fate of Michael Jackson, you MUST sign up immediately with an IQ MEMBERSHIP (read: NOT FREE MEMBERSHIP).