He’s strong

Everyone knows Chris Brown has some flaws.  He beat the shit out of his girlfriend, for one.  According to an article in the New York Daily News, though, Rihanna was reluctant to cooperate with police in the investigation.  That’s right!  Reluctant!

Furthermore, she flat out refused to testify against Brown at his trial today.  Now, in her defense, he probably won’t face real consequences either way - unless you count spending lots of money on lawyers, which you shouldn’t - so she would probably just be wasting time that could better be spent starting rumors in Miami.

This seemingly irrational behavior may, of course, be due to “contusions on the side of her head” which doctors are “concerned about” and that left “her blood” all over the “interior of the car.”  But if you’re an optimist you’d like to think that maybe Chris Brown just has some really great qualities that outweigh that one little flaw.  Like what, you ask?  Well I interviewed Rihanna and she had this to say about her man:

-He always remembers proper toilet seat etiquette.
-He’s soooo cute when he’s sleeping.
-He tells this great joke about a Jewish mother driving instructor.  It’s like she’s just bugging him about wearing a jacket the whole time and they crash I think?  You have to hear him tell it.
-He always buys flowers for his girlfriend the day after he beats the shit out of her.  Also really sincerely apologizes after each blow.
-He can do that thing where you shoot a beer bottle cap across the room by snapping your fingers.
-His house has a pleasing color scheme.
-Has a great recipe for peach cobbler.  He may actually have gotten it online, but still he makes it really well and that’s a hard peach-based dessert to make.
-Has traveled a lot.
-No longer flicks bottle caps at girlfriends when they are sleeping.
-Responds to emails quickly.
-Is surprisingly good with dogs.
-Knows enough about cars to avoid getting ripped off by mechanics.  That’s more important than you think.
-Lets girlfriends get away with a fair amount of sass-mouth before punching them in the face.
-Is good about rinsing out recyclables.
-Is rich rapper.

Well there you go.  Good luck, Rihanna!  I don’t know if I would testify against him either!