NATIONAL LAMPOON NEWS BRIEFS

by ThaneEconomou

It is Jay Leno’s last week of the Tonight Show. Yeah, but he’ll be back soon with the Jay Leno Show. Shit, my “Countdown To No More Jay” app on my iPhone really is useless.

Susan Boyle had a meltdown and cursed in a hotel. Who knew a 48-year-old Scottish woman would have a temper?

Time Warner and AOL are reportedly splitting. AOL could not be reached for comment, since they were on the web, and the phone line was busy.

Adam Lambert tells people to keep speculating about his sexuality. No need. I’ve got great gaydar and have had this guy pegged since day one. He’s a heterosexual. Be loud. Be proud. Now, Kris Allen on the other hand is a big time homo. That wife of his is such a “beard.”

David Hyde Pierce reveals he’s married to a man. Wait! What? He’s gay? Never saw that coming. And I’ve got such good gaydar…

The Twilight Saga: New Moon in production. Filmmakers promise worse acting and hair from Robert Pattison, more creepy staring, and Dakota Fanning.

Jon and Kate Plus 8 premieres to record ratings. America gets one last look at the happy family before our insatiable appetite for gossip destroys them.

Joe Biden jokes about Obama’s dependence on Teleprompters. “Believe it or not, I say all of this bat-shit crazy stuff without the assistance of a teleprompter.”

At Cannes film festival, Tarantino said, “I am God.” In a Tarantino controlled universe, fuck is the most common word, life is out of chronological order, pop culture reference becomes the world’s currency, and women never wear shoes.

Bijou Phillips reportedly cheated on fiancé Danny Masterson with another woman. Masterson’s response: “That is awesome!”