Taylor Lautner: After months of being on the same notch, New Moon is finally ready to be stepped up

by Richard

Since the moment Summit Entertainment announced its plans to make New Moon, its much anticipated sequel to Twilight, the company has been under pressure from millions of moms and tweens who are desperate to absorb every new bit of sexy, lucrative minutiae. In April, Summit whetted our appetites with news that Robert Pattinson’s character would feature more prominently in the film than he did in the book (natch). Later, at the MTV Movie Awards, we were permitted a fleeting look at Taylor Lautner’s imposing lupine avatar. Now, for the first time in like a week, Summit Entertainment has released a BRAND NEW FEATURETTE telling us everything we ever wanted to know about New Moon.

For example, one thing we learn about New Moon is that “New Moon is a lot more complicated than Twilight was.” SHIT. If Matrix Revolutions is any indication, complication is the LAST thing you want in a sequel. “Cookies need love like everything does.” –Agent Smith. I mean, Twilight is already complicated enough as it is, at times even heartbreaking-ly confusing. Case in point: this particularly profound exchange:

Billy

Any luck with the Waylon case?

Charlie

(darkening)

Found a footprint out at the crime scene today. A bear human footprint.

Now, as implausible as it seems that there exists somewhere on this earth a creature that is half bear and half human, I am willing to suspend my disbelief for the sake of this movie, just as I was able to suspend my disbelief when Edward RIPPED A TREE ROOT STRAIGHT FROM THE GROUND (WOW) or when his Volvo scared those rapists away. At the same time, I can’t help thinking that I’ve missed some integral plot-point or overlooked some subtext that would help account for why people think this movie’s plot is something to be interested at. Like, maybe the film is implying that it was not really vampires, but actually mythic bear humans, that murdered all those people. But if that was the case, why is it that the mystery of the bear humans was never revisited again by any of the town’s most competent mystery solvers, like Bella’s Dad? “Could be a crackhead got hold of the wrong stuff, told him to get up in that tree and play a leprechaun.”—Bella’s Dad. This confusion is the kind of thing that it is best not to have more of when it comes to sequels.

All bear humans aside, there are many other things to learn about New Moon, like the fact that “There’s more action in this one, especially with the werewolves involved.” Luckily, action is usually something that people like to have more of in a sequel. (In Taylor Lautner-speak, that means it is something that is good to be stepped up). But the thing is, the action in Twilight was stepped up so much already! Like when Edward actively rips up a tree root straight from the ground and hurls it across the forest’s shrub layer with momentous force! This featurette is really going to have to be stepped up on convincing.

It’s true—there IS more action! I mean the whole time you’re watching Jacob jump down from Bella’s window, or jump up the side of Bella’s house into her window, or jump over the railing of his house, you’re thinking to yourself “New Moon is always pushing to the next level!” Because if you were asked to identify one major failing of the current movie industry, you would have to say that there are not enough films being made about the act of jumping.

But maybe that’s not the kind of action Taylor Lautner is talking about here, meaning the kind of action that involves bear humans and jumping. Maybe he’s talking about romantic action, like when you and a classmate are crushing on each other and then start secretly dating so as to avoid the requisite questioning, and “dating” is defined by waving to each other in the hallway, and maybe the guy jumps into the girl’s room at night, and the guy is also a werewolf. Because if that’s what Taylor Lautner means by action, then it is not incorrect to say that New Moon was definitely stepped up in that respect. And that’s understandable, considering what we have to work with:

Which is a vast improvement over this:

But probably required a lot of this:

Most doctors would agree that physically, it is good to be stepped up. But doctors have been known to give some bad advice once and a while. “As an immortal doctor, I have had hundreds of years to practice medicine and study both human and vampire maladies. Edward, my research indicates that the only way to cure Bella is to suck the venom out of her arm with your mouth.”—Dr. Cullen. But hopefully, Dr. Cullen would agree that being stepped up physically is only good in a figural sense, and not in a literal one, in which a small child is literally stepped up to a high-rise bar and made to hang there until his abdominal muscles have developed sufficiently. Child abuse is the kind of thing that it is best not to have more of when it comes to sequels.

But this negligence should not distract us from the featurette’s ultimate message, which is that New Moon is both going to be stepped and pushed to the next level. I can’t wait for Eclipse.