Obama Beer Bash Turns Hostile

by ThaneEconomou

In a press conference, President Obama announced Professor Henry Louis Gates and Police Sgt. James Crowley would both be coming to the White House to “have a beer.” The following day, the White House is now in ruins, and all three men have been charged with disorderly conduct, public intoxication, and exposure.

“I sincerely apologize for my actions last night. They could have been recalibrated,” Obama said in a press conference earlier today. “Excuse me, I’m a little hungover.” The President then vomited over the front row of the press core.

Obama recently made comments against Police Officer Crowley, claiming in the arrest of Professor Gates he “acted stupidly” and was racial profiling. By inviting both men to the White House, Obama planned the event as a peace offering. However, the three men could not hold their drink, and the night quickly turned wild.

Four separate noise complaints were filed, and when officers arrived at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, they found the Obama administration had already begun the party. Local college students arrived, bringing kegs and starting games of beer pong in the Oval Office. One young person defecated in the Lincoln bedroom.

Obama, Gates, and Crowley claim to have begun the evening with a casual beer. But soon the shots of Jägermeister came out. After that, Obama claims he has “no recollection” of what transpired next. Apparently, the three men lost Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. and are currently retracing their steps to find him.

During the party, Joe Biden was said to have called several ex-girlfriends. A source close to the Obama administration has been quoted as saying, “if you think he says dumb things when he’s sober…” In addition, Department of Agriculture Secretary Thomas J. Vilsack drew penises on United States Trade Representative Ambassador Ronald Kirk’s passed out face. Michelle Obama was seen making out with Hilary Clinton and flashing her titties to the cameras.

Upon leaving the White House, Obama, Gates, and Crowley drunkenly walked the streets of Washington D.C. Professor Gates stopped to urinate in the Washington Reflecting Pool. Obama was overhead yelling to Crowley, “you act stupidly, and I’ll just get stupid!” Obama claimed he hadn’t been this “fucked up since … [a] high school coke binge.”

The White House has been left with thousands of dollars in damage and a horse has eaten the Rose Garden. It is the most damage done to the White House since Andrew Jackson’s inauguration party. Although some claim George W. Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” weekend bender came close, with Dick Cheney, plastered on Greygoose, shooting a shotgun at the presidential portrait of Jimmy Carter.

In the aftermath, some political analysts believe Obama’s plan worked all along. An onlooker overheard Gates, while smashing bottles against a car, telling Crowley, “I love you. I do, man. You’re great, man. We’re cool right? Right, man? I love you.”