Obama Receives Record Number of Birthday Cards

by Champs O'Fallon

President Obama had more to celebrate than his birthday on August 4th. According to John Masters, head of the White House mail room, Obama broke the record for number of Birthday cards received by a President. Obama received an astounding 4,761 pieces congratulating him on his 48th birthday.

“Since President Obama took office, we have seen a spike in the number of letters addressed to the White House, but nothing prepared us for this.” said Masters. The original record stood at a meager 2,651 pieces of mail addressed to President John Kennedy. “JFK was quite the ladies men. Up until about ten years ago, some of the photos sent to him were still taped up in the men’s bathroom of our office. But these letter’s are more than just nudie pics doused in perfume. ”

Masters went on to explain that these letters are really indicative of how far reaching the President’s appeal is. “Listen to this one sent by Kevin Polowski, 36, in Houston, Texas:  ‘Dear Barry, You had better watch out, because I have a birthday present for you that begins with a b and rhymes with mullet. Sincerely, Kevin’ or this one sent by Mary David Likenhoff, 92, in Morgantown, West Virginia, ‘Dear Colored President,  thank you for trying to get me the hospital care I desperately need. I hope you enjoy your birthday watermelon. - Mrs. Mary’ . This one is probably my favorite. It’s from little Kevin Jacobs, age six from Omaha, Nebraska. ‘Mr. President, You are a great President. One day I want to grow up to be you. I named my dog Barrack. Thank you. Love, Kevin. P.S. My dad said he was going to fucking murder you’.”

While many might dispute whether or not Obama’s policies are the right track for the country it is apparent that he is clearly on track to becoming one of the most popular presidents in modern American history. “These aren’t the kinds of reactions that every president gets. It really takes a special kind of man to get this kind of attention. With all the letters received, we haven’t had a chance yet to open any of the packages, but from the way it sounds around here President Obama is going to be getting a lot of clocks. “