On Thiz Day: July 3rd

People wanted history – so National Lampoon made history. (Or, at least, researched it.)

324 A.D.
The Battle of Adrianople : Constantine kicks the ever loving shit out of Licinius, who fled to Byzantium (which I’m assuming is some form of metal).

1754 A.D.
French Indian War : George Washington pusses out and submits a building called “Fort Necessity” to the French. Not only the first time the French won anything, it’s also the first time they have had anything to do with necessity.

1938 A.D.
FDR lights the eternal flame at Gettysburg : Old people around the world fall madly in love with him, young people find confusion in the similarities between his wife’s first name and his middle name.

1994 A.D.
“The deadliest day in Texas traffic history”: 46 people killed in automobile accidents while hurriedly rushing to blow things up in honor of their nation. It’s the only form of rear-ending that they find acceptable.