Recasting Clerks Using Kevin Smith’s New Famous Favorites

by Garrett Hargrove

With the new Kevin Smith film, Cop Out just around the corner, its time for some good Kevin Smith-ness on the Lampoon.  Kevin Smith has his regulars.  Jeff Anderson.  Brian O’Halloran.  Walt Flanagan.  And of course Jason Mewes.  But since the smash hit Clerks, he’s been acquiring new, super successful friends who can’t wait to be in the next View Askew cult hit.  (Even though he stopped working under the View Askew brand with Jersey Girl, Zack and Miri Make a Porno and Cop Out. I still like to think of all of his films as View Askew films.  So please don’t bother with the whole snarky “The View Askew films were only the ones in the Clerks Universe!”)  To the public, Smith comes across as this friendly, funny, likable jolly dude.  And I don’t think you can fake that.  He’s a good actor, but not that good.  And that charm and likability has resulted in this conversation MANY times since 1994:

“So, Ben, we’ve got a lot of work to do.  You’ve got a lot of projects to decide on.  $20 Million to reprise your role as Jack Ryan.”

“Pass.”

“$25 Million to be Daredevil again.”

“Pass.”

“Invitation to Matt Damon’s wedding.”

“How much is he paying me to attend?”

“Uhm.  To attend his wedding?  Nothing.  In fact I think you even have to buy a gift.”

“Pass.”

“Invitation to Casey Affleck’s film opening.”

“Pass.”

“But you even directed the film.”

“Just tell me what language to say ‘pass’ in in order to allow you to understand it.”

“Last one.  A 20 second cameo in which you don’t get paid, you go in and a donkey farts on you.  But it is a Kevin Smith film…”

And Ben Affleck hops on the first plane to Jersey.

This little black book of celebrity buddies all started when he made a tremendously popular little film called Clerks.  It spoke to millions of kids sitting behind the counters at menial jobs across the country.  Smith’s unique dialog style and quirky sex humor had fans clamoring for more.  As the years progressed, Smith started working with bigger and better actors (no offense Walt Flanagan).  And even when those actors blew up and became the new Jack Ryan or the dude who screams at Alvin and the Chipmunks, they still would drop all to fly back and work with Smith again.

So, what would have happened if he were presented with his current clique of celebrity friends and his current pull, and he just now came up with Clerks.  Who would he cast?  Let’s hypothesize below:

So, I’m only considering famous people who Smith has cast more than once in his films, people he has acted opposite (like in Daredevil and Catch & Release) and people who he seem to be developing a rapport with like Bruce Willis and Jennifer Garner.  And also, I won’t put anyone from the original Clerks in this recast.  Let’s hop into it.

Dante

Originally Played By: Brian O’Halloran.  The guy who wasn’t supposed to be there that day.  But still, being the guy who accepts what is given to him, Dante came in to the Quick Stop today.  He isn’t willing to fight for himself to get a better job, get a better education or the girl he’s always wanted.  (Granted in the end of Clerks II he realizes he keeps coming back to the Quick Stop because he loves it.)  But still he’s the guy who lets everyone take advantage of him.  Then Smith almost killed him at the end of Clerks.  Right here, the cynic is thinking “Here’s where we get Affleck and Jason Lee as Dante and Randal. Go jump off a cliff you hack Lampoon writer!”  Not going there.  So here’s who the new Dante would be:

Now Played By: Jason Biggs (Jersey Girl, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back).  Here it was either Ethan Suplee or Jason Biggs.  Suplee I just cant see as a romantic lead.  We’ve seen Biggs get roped into situations that he didn’t want to be in and led around by his wang for three American Pie movies (and probably for the Loser and Saving Silverman movies.)  But he would totally pull off the sad “I can’t believe this is my life” thing.  Partly because I think he might actually be thinking “I can’t believe this is my career” after disappearing from the acting scene for the last half decade.

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Randal

Originally Played By: Jeff Anderson. Randl was the fast talking slacker who was the one who always seemed to be the one taking advantage of Dante’s lack of a spine.  Defined by his love of the movie Navy Seals, Randal works the movie store beside the Quick Stop and laments the customers.  His snarky attitude conveys a disdain for them and their wretched, stupid questions. He was the perfect aggressive compliment to the passive Dante.  Its always shocked me that Jeff Anderson never took that leap to the next level.  You would have thought they would have been throwing sitcoms at him after his excellent comedic timing and delivery in Clerks.  Sadly, they thought it was better to give Jim Belushi a sitcom.  There’s no reason he couldn’t have had a career like this guy’s:

Now Played By: Jason Lee (Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, Jersey Girl, Clerks II, Cop Out).  This just feels natural.  If Jeff Anderson had blown up after Clerks, I think he would have been up for a lot of the Jason Lee roles.  He could have voiced Underdog.  He could have scruffed it up to become Earl.  And Jason Lee always seemed like he was playing different versions of Randal Graves.  Azrael always felt like Randal the demon.  Banky was Randal the tracer.  Brodie was Randal the dude fucking Shannon Daugherty.  So, yeah, rail on me now for going with the obvious for Randal.

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Jay

Originally Played By and Should Never Be Played By Anyone Other Than: Jason Mewes.  This one is impossible to recast and frankly hurts to even debate it.  Rumors say that the studio wanted to replace Mewes with Seth Green and/or Breckin Meyer in Mallrats, despite his tremendously popular portrayal of the character after Clerks.  Hearing that even today, even after they allowed Mewes to continue playing Jay, it still evokes anger and ire towards that studio.  And surely me even performing this silly exercise will do so to some of you hard core Smith fans.  So, I am ready for the hate mail.  But since I’ve already gone this far…  This role seems to be closest to Smith and only his best friend would he trust with that role.  So, if we’re not allowed to use Mewes, we’d have to give it to…

Now Played By: Ben Affleck(Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, Daredevil, Jersey Girl, Clerks II). Only the most talented could take on this complex role.  So we call upon master thespian Ben Affleck.  Imagine, Affleck stands, camera zooms and he delivers his big monologue:

I feel good today, Silent Bob, we’re gonna make some money, then you know what we’re going to do? We’re gonna go to that party, we’re gonna get some pussy, and I’m gonna fuck this bitch, I’ma fuck this bitch, I’ll fuck ANYTHING THAT MOVES! Yo, what the fuck you lookin’ at, I’ll kick your fuckin’ ass! Shit yeah. Doesn’t that fucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin’ tonight, we’re gonna rip off this fucker’s head, and take out his fuckin’ soul. Remind me if he tries to buy something, I’m gonna shit in the motherfucker’s bag. Hey, what’s up baby? What’s up, sluts?

They would have to rename the Best Supporting Oscar, “The Affleck”.

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Olaf of Beserker

Originally Played By: The Legend that is John Henry Westhead.  “My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!”

Now Played By: Sean William Scott (Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, Cop Out). Now imagine Stifler doing a Russian accent saying “My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!”  Brilliant.

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Caitlin

Originally Played By: Lisa Spoonhauer.  She was the personification of the perfect life that Dante kept waiting and waiting and waiting for.  Then when its finally time for her to have her, he ditches what really makes him happy (Veronica) for a moment with Caitlin.  And it all gets fucked up.  And then he’s left with neither Caitlin or Veronica.  And so is Dante’s life.

Now Played By: Jen Schwalbach Smith.  This one is tricky.  Veronica was always that unattainable good life Dante could never quite get to.  So would he cast his really hot wife in that role despite the fact he does get to have her whenever he wants?  Maybe its that we don’t have a lot of females to choose from.  Joey Lauren Adams and Shannon Daugherty?  Eh.  Neither feel like that unattainable goddess quite like Mrs. Kevin Smith.  And if Kevin Smith is willing to tweet this about his wife:

@ThatKevinSmith Via @tiffehstar “Kev’s sharing stories about doing his wife up the ass” I don’t “do” her; I ingest her, on orders from my neurophysiologist.

Surely he wouldn’t be above having her screw the dead dude in the Quick Stop restroom, right?  She already played Mrs. Dante Hicks in Clerks II, so its not that far fetched for Kevin to cast his wife as Dante’s love interest.

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Veronica

Originally Played By: Marilyn Ghigliotti, Veronica was Dante’s loyal girlfriend, who did all she could to lift him up to be the man she thought he could be, supported him through thick and thin and had a wonderful pension for fellatio. (Last count tallied 37 dicks sucked.)  She brings him food at work.  Yet, in the end, he ditched her for a chance to boink Caitlin.  She then turns into a whirlwind of crazy and leaves Dante.  Who could convey that level of betrayal and hurt?  Only the woman who dealt with Dave Coulier’s bad jokes and them got dumped by him:

Now Played By: Alanis Morisette (Dogma, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back)

God from Dogma takes on the role of Veronica.  She’s not as cute as Caitlin, but she’s sweet and loyal and can be crazy viscous when you fuck her over.  (See “You Oughta Know” from Jagged Little Pill.)  “Would Caitlin go down on you in… a theater?” We know Alanis has and would.

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Silent Bob

Originally Played By: Kevin Smith.  Young, early 20’s Kevin Smith created an alter-ego for himself names “Silent Bob”.  So simple.  So perfect.  Easily one of the top 3 greatest silent characters of all time.  Right up there with Jason Voorhees.  By putting himself in front of the camera, Smith helped boost his fame that he never would have found solely being behind it.  In this integral role, who’s ability to make us laugh without dialog rivals that of Buster Keaton and Jackie Chan, who could you cast?

Now Played By: Older Kevin Smith.  Only now, he doesn’t stop talking.  See:

And now the character would have to be called “Talks a whole fucking lot Bob”.

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Snowball

Originally Played By: Scott Mosier.  Also known as Willam the Idiot Manchild, Snowball sets off a tirade against Veronica by Dante and that leads to the revelation that she had been down on a few dudes.  Mosier played a few other roles, but this one actually meant something to the plot.  Now, this character puts me in a weird spot because Smith already recast this role with on of his celebrity regulars…

Now Played By: Ethan Suplee (Mallrats, Dogma).  So, working under the assumption that either another Smith flick was his breakout in 1994 other than Clerks or Mallrats was his big breakout, Ethan Suplee would have already owned the role and no way Smith would recast it.  Damn you for putting me in this awkward paradoxical situation, Kevin.

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Each of the 12 Roles That Walt Flanagan Played

Originally Played By: Walt Flanagan.  Every place they needed a one line actor,  Kevin threw in Walt (the Fanboy) Flanagan.  Currently running Silent Bob’s Secret Stash in Jersey, Walt would obviously be too busy for the Clerks remake.  Who else could pull of all of those distinctly various looks and roles?

Now Played By: Bruce WIllis (Live Free or Die Hard, Cop Out).  New Kevin Smith friend and master of disguise Bruce Willis will get more screen time than Dante when he portrays the Egg Man, The Woolen Cap Smoker, the Offended Customer and even the Milk Maid.  If Affleck can’t make it, Willis is happy to fill in as Jay.  If you don’t believe me, check out The Jackal.  He blows the shit out of Jack Black.  So if you didn’t believe me on this, at least you go to see Jack Black getting obliterated by a huge gun!

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Rick Derris

Originally Played By: Ernest O’Donnell. In a small cameo role, but frequent source of torment in multiple View Askew films, Rick Derris is the sexual tyrannosaurus that took on Caitlin from Clerks, Gwen Turner from Mallrats and turned Joey Lauren Adams into Fingercuffs in Chasing Amy.  Though we never get to meet Rick Derris long enough to discern his motives or characteristics, he does come across as blissfully unaware he is causing anyone any harm and is just meeting his immediate needs and desires.

Now Played By: Tracy Morgan (Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, Cop Out).  Tracy is instant energy.  Bringing in the Tracy Jordan character from “30 Rock”, Tracy would definitely pull off the headstrong jock interested only in satisfying his current physical need.  Plus, this would lead to a great “Rick Derris Fucking Every Chick In Jersey” Spin-off.  Tracy Morgan now has the kind of pull to get that done.  Ernest sadly does not.

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Old Man

Originally Played By: Al Berkowitz.  An old man enters Dante’s store and asks to use the restroom.  He then asks for some of the nicer toilet paper.  Then for some reading material.  Not just any reading material.  The porn in the celaphane behind the counter.  Then he went to the employee bathroom in the back.  Jerked off.  Died.  Got laid.  Its how we all want to go.

Now Played By: Stan Lee (Mallrats, Daredevil).  This easily would have been George Carlin’s role.  You could practically hear Carlin’s inflections in the lines written for the character.  So instead we go with the last person you would expect  to go jerk off in a Quick Stop bathroom.

Now’s the time where you tell me how off I am, how you would have done it better and differently.  Go!  But before you do… your new Clerks poster…

Sexy.