Guys, how excited are we for another adaptation of Robin Hood??

Hollywood, like life, is governed by a set of principles to which people attach value and meaning. For example, it is universally acknowledged that throughout life, men will never enjoy BBC period dramas. In comparison, this same rule metamorphosed into Hollywood law goes something like this: Transplanted British actors will never achieve the same level of popularity with US audiences as they first did when the period drama they starred in five years ago was rebroadcast on BBC America to the pleasure of housewives everywhere. Ladies, don’t pretend like you don’t own a copy of the Colin Firth version of Pride and Prejudice from 1995—in Blue-Ray format, of course, so as to see in greater detail the expression on Firth’s sexually frustrated but handsome face as he dives into the lake. You know the scene.

For those Firth-challenged readers out there (shame on you), here is a more familiar Hollywood decree. Financially successful movies always beget bigger, financially successful-ier movies. This is especially true in the case of the monomyth-based film, which is pretty much every kick-ass movie ever. According to college, the monomyth is the name for a hero narrative that follows the trajectory of a common man as he enters a world of wonder, confronts the forces of evil, and then emerges victorious with the power to help his fellow men. Case in point: Transformers. In that venerable film, Sam Witwicky is a normal teen that is really bad at selling glasses on Ebay; after lots of smaller conflicts and resolutions, he emerges from an intense robot war with the power to make out with a hot girl on top of his car.

This is the storyline that started it all—and by all, I mean all the wretchedness and filth that went into creating Transformers 2. Clearly, juvenile males couldn’t get enough of the raw power, sex and violence that is Michael Bay (naturally).

So it was no surprise to anyone when acclaimed director Ridley Scott announced that he would be directing the next installment of the box office tour de force that is Robin Hood.

“One thing that draws people to filmic heroes is their pure, masculine strength—their testosterone-induced urge to use massively destructive weapons so as to drain every last drop of their opponent’s lifeblood,” said Scott. “So you can see why we here at Universal Pictures decided to reintroduce Robin Hood into the cannon of badass monomyth films.”

This was an easy choice, Scott said. “From his aerodynamic tights to his bows and arrows to his biting wit, Robin Hood screams death and destruction. He is so quick and nimble—no muscles at all, really—that he is able to move stealthily through the forest, eluding the Sheriff for long periods of time. And let’s not forgot the he is also a dispossessed lord—we thought people could really relate to that, what with the foreclosures people are facing and all.”

Scott is quick to point out that his new film also includes content that is attractive to female moviegoers—namely, the stuff of romance. “A lot of the female leads in these movies are scantily-clad, sexually-empowered women who aren’t afraid to show their passionate side, which often leads to lots of sex—sometimes even scenes that resemble soft core porn,” Scott explains. “But with Robin Hood, we wanted to mix it up. In the legend, Maid Marian is, and remains, a maid. She is the consummate prude, always covering up in loose-fitting shawls and drapery-like dresses. She doesn’t want to compromise her maidenliness, as the name suggests. So there isn’t necessarily going to be “sex” or “sexuality” in the movie at all. But we think that males age 18-34 will respond to this purity of heart and sense of duty. After all , that same sense of honor is what motivated Optimus Prime to sacrifice himself for the betterment of his fellow transformers.”

Scott is also hoping that the film will build and expand upon other Robin Hood adaptations. “One huge motivation to do this film is the great success of other films in the Robin hood franchise,” said Scott. “For example, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves with Kevin Costner was universally praised by fans and critics alike. BBC just concluded its own Robin Hood TV series, which lasted for three seasons. That was also a huge success—fans particularly loved it when Maid Marian was killed off after the first season, cutting off any chance of sex for the show’s two hot male leads.

“Not to mention the level of success the actor playing Robin Hood experienced when the program was rebroadcast on BBC America—ladies when nuts! I doubt he’ll ever achieve that level of success again.”