Rush Limbaugh: Deep Throat of the Next Generation

by Gabriel Grossman

Yesterday on his radio show, Rush Limbaugh went so far as to blame Barack Obama for South Carolina governor Mark Sanford’s marital infidelity and general flakiness. Limbaugh, who seeks constantly to outdo himself, went one step further today, when he pinned the blame of the deaths of Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett on none other than President Obama.

Limbaugh points to a conspiracy the likes of which have not been seen in American politics since the Illuminati overthrew the American government over one hundred years ago and added their logo to the greenback. As opposed to Sanford, who Limbaugh claims was driven off the edge of fidelity and, with it, sanity by the president, Fawcett and Jackson died simultaneously to mark the beginning of Obama’s plan to single-handedly remove American celebrities from the international spectrum of fame and scandal.

In Operation Obamania, Limbaugh argues, Obama plans not only to destroy American cultural integrity, but also to provoke a national identity crisis. In eliminating any viable and meaningful cultural icons America once had, Obama can focus all attention on the Body Snatchers who have invaded the collective consciousness of American pop culture: Heidi and Spencer Pratt. Limbaugh believes that Obama is banking everything on this vital next step: that the youth of this country will turn into identical manifestations of the Pratts. He wants a nation of Pratts. Just like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, in which communist peapods infested every level of American society, Obama hopes that the Pratts can convert the youth of this country into narcissistic whores whose very survival depends on their inactive life of vanity and search for attention.

But why would Obama do this? It is no secret that Obama is a Muslim. What is a secret, that Limbaugh revealed in his broadcast, is that Obama is an upper-echelon organizer of Al Qaeda. To prove this, he played Obama’s speech in Cairo in reverse on his radio show. Doing so exposes the following statement: “Join me and we will emasculate the capitalist scum! Paul is dead.”

I know what you’re thinking: How can I help? How can I stop this nation from turning into a bunch of prats and twats? Limbaugh offers one solution: “you can’t stop this—Obamania is already too far entrenched. This country is not only turning socialist and gay, but also into an episode of The Hills.”

The broadcast ended there, after Limbaugh passed out from taking too many painkillers.