Scream 4 Coming Soon!

by Garrett Hargrove

Someone has taken their love for this long dead franchise too far…

Scream came along right when the horror genre was being labeled “Dead” and on the way out.  We’d seen every cliche, every character mistake and knew how horror films should work.  Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (Halloween Part 6) came out a short time before and bombed critically and financially.  They’d run out of ways to make characters stupid enough to wander away from the sanctity of the group to be hacked up by the killer shrouded in darkness.  In short, people grew tired of watching kids make mistakes that anyone who had seen any horror movie would never make.

Then came along a young talented screenwriter named Kevin Williamson who had a dynamic script that had people we could relate to.  They’d seen Halloween.  They knew the pitfalls.  And they still got butchered.  It also presented situations that could happen and were real.  It had engaging characters and fun twists.  When horror icon Wes craven signed on to bring this script to life, magic happened.  They marketed the movie around star Drew Barrymore, then had the balls to kill her off in one of the most memorable opening scenes in any movie ever.  They sell you on the idea that you’ll get to follow Drew Barrymore through the film and then throw a curveball at you and take her from you right off the bat.  So then you have no clue what to expect from that point on.  The genre was brought back to life with Drew Barrymore’s mutilated corpse.

Then came part 2.  It was the dawn of the “internet rumors” era.  They did all they could to keep the identity of the killer hidden.  The last 10 pages were also printed on grey paper, therefore making them unable to be illicitly Xeroxed. All cast members had to sign contracts that they would not discuss the movie’s outcome or the killer’s identity with the media.  And it worked.  People flocked even with the rambling ending in which the killer had to go on a five minute monologue explaining who the killer was and why she did what she did.

Then, for the third film… no one really cared.  They hinted that no one was safe. Even Sidney (Neve Campbell)!  Anyone could die!  Then they copped out.  They didn’t have the same balls they had when they killed Drew Barrymore in the first film.  It was kind of a mess and in the end, the killer had to go back and explain he was the root of all problems in part one, why he was relevant, yata, yata, yata.  It was like 40 minutes of the 116 minutes.  They even had Jay and Silent Bob in it.  Just a train wreck.  The movie did OK in the box office, but all seemed to agree it had run its course and it was time to cash out.  With Campbell a big star, Jamie Kennedy the next big funnyman, Craven’s career resurrected and a writer with limitless potential in Williamson, they all decided it was best to explore other avenues that were opened to them by the success of this franchise.

When they found that everyone’s avenues had “Dead End” signs at the end of them, it was time to sell out and come back to the cash cow.  A decade after the lackluster Scream 3, the cast and crew are set to return for another battle with the Ghostface Killer.   David Arquette and Courteney Cox already signed on.  Courteney is currently starring in the yet-to-be-canceled TV Show “Cougar Town.”  David is currently married to the lead of “Cougar Town.”  Though filming a TV show typically takes a lot of time in an actor’s schedule, Cox signed on fully confident that her schedule should clear up by the time that filming should commence.

The big Scream 4 news is that Neve Campbell is taking a break from Direct-to-DVD movies to return to the Scream franchise.  Campbell was initially reluctant to return to face the Ghostface Killer again, for she would have to take a break from obscurity, making movies that people will never see and SAG minimum wages.

Wes Craven has shown tepid excitement for reviving the Scream series saying: “I’m not closed to it, I’m not open to it, I’ll be perfectly happy to read a script and tell Bob what I think.”  Wes had to be bribed with another project being greenlit in order to sign onto Scream 3 and the results on screen showed it.  With such enthusiasm, how could it not be a smash hit?

Let’s recap the series and hypothesize the 4th entry(after the break):

Scream had Skeet Ulrich and Matthew Lillard kill off a bunch of people.  Skeet did it because Neve Campbell’s Mom was a ho-bag and slept with Skeet’s dad breaking up his parents.  Lillard did it because he was a complete retard.

Scream 2 brought us Skeet’s Mom, Aunt Becky from “Roseanne” and Timothy Olyphant donning the mask(s) this time around.  Aunt Becky helped kill of a lot of people because Neve Campbell killed off Skeet.  Olyphant because he’s a easily manipulated retard.

Scream 3 offered up Neve’s half brother who was the bastard son of Neve’s ho-bag Mom from when she was a ho-bag B-list actress who slept with a producer as the killer.  And he was the one who convinced Skeet Ulrich to kill everyone in the first movie.  He lacked any sort of retard to help him out.

(Tangent) They set up three rules for the third in a trilogy:

• The killer has got be super human - stabbing or shooting won’t be enough to finish him off (God damned lie)
• Anyone, including the main character, can die (Not even close.  They couldn’t even kill of David Arquette.  Even though he was gimpy.  Weak.)
• The past will come back to haunt you (Sorta.  But Let’s TOTALLY rewrite history to make it happen!  Earlier entries in the series be damned!)

I know they wanted to change everything you knew about horror trilogies, but did they have to take out the good stuff like unexpected kills and a super-human killer?  Not some pussy director with a bullet proof vest.  That’s his super power?  Super common sense?  Weak.

They’ve always had characters who were very aware of what stage they were in with regards to the horror franchise.  That character was usually Jamie Kennedy’s Randy Meeks.  In the first one he stated the rules:

1. You can never have sex.
2. You can never drink or do drugs. (The “sin factor, an extension of number one”.)
3. Never, ever, EVER, under any circumstances say “I’ll be right back”, ’cause you won’t be back.

Then Jamie let us know about the rules for  a sequel:

1. The body count is always bigger.
2. The death scenes are always much more elaborate, with more blood and gore.
3. Randy starts to describe the third rule: “If you want your films to become a successful franchise, never, ever…’ before being interrupted by Dewey. However, the film’s original teaser trailer featured an extended version of the rules scene which reveals that originally the third rule was supposed to be “Never, ever, under any circumstances assume the killer is dead.” This referenced Randy’s last line in the first Scream which stated that a killer always comes back to life for one last scare.

In the third one, Randy left a video in case he was killed of in part 2.  Which he was.  In that video he laid out the rules in case you find yourself in the third entry in a trilogy.  Now the task becomes bringing him back to explain what happens in a fourth entry in a tetralogy.  Maybe he just made like 18 tapes.  “In case you find yourself in the 12th entry in a horror series, this one may take place in space.  The killer will ALWAYS be cybernetically enhanced.  People will ALWAYS be making references to or about 2007 culture….”

So what will Randy’s advice from the grave be for this entry?  My guesses:

1. If the last one was douchy, cheesy or too slapsticky, expect the killer to be overly brutal to apologize for the last entry.  (Like Friday the 13th, Jaws, Halloween)
2. Expect there to be a young kid who proves to be a formidable opponent to the killer who could usually withstand police, SWAT teams, ninjas and bears. (Like Friday the 13th, Halloween, )
3. Expect a change of scenery.  You’ll find the killer stalking you in new surroundings so as to not get bored seeing you guys die in the same place as the last two movies.  (Jaws, Leprechaun)
4. This is a crucial juncture.  If this adventure proves to be really well done, there will be about six more times you guys will have to escape the Ghostface Killer (Friday the 13th, Halloween).  Or if its lame, we may never see you guys again (Jaws, Alien, Indiana Jones, The Mummy).  Especially you, Neve.  What the hell have you been doing for the last decade?  Have you been in ANY films?  You couldn’t even get on one of the twelve CSI shows?  Come on!
5. Renny Harlin may end up directing it.  If so, expect crappy dialog and bad acting.(Nightmare on Elm Street, Exorcist)

So, taking the trends from the first three movies, what can we expect from the fourth entry?

imdb.com Rating:
Scream: 7.2
Scream 2: 5.9
Scream 3: 5.3
Scream 4: Somewhere Ed Wood-ish.

Box Office Gross
Scream: $103M
Scream 2: $101M
Scream 3: $89M
Scream 4: $45M

The Killer
Scream: Sidney’s boyfriend and his doofy friend
Scream 2: Sidney’s ex boyfriend’s mom and a doofy film student.
Scream 3: The Guy who told Sidney’s ex-boyfriend to kill every one in the first film.  Doofy sidekick lacking.  And it is even more ludicrous of a connection in the film than I make it out to be on this article.
Scream 4: The gardener of Sidney’s ho-bag mom’s cousin’s landlord who’s cat Sidney ran over with her car back a long time ago.  And a doofy sidekick.  (On a side note, it will take a good hour and a half for the killer to explain his relation to Sidney and why he decided until now to set out for his revenge.  They’ll start the explanation just after the opening credits.)

Stars
Scream: FRIENDS star Courteney Cox!  The Fonz!  The Guy who would go on to play Shaggy in Scooby Doo! Drew Barrymore!
Scream 2: Joe’s Apartment star Jerry O’Connell!  Jada Pinkett!  Omar Epps!  Timothy Olyphant!
Scream 3: Parker Posey!  Jenny McCarthy!  Scott Foley!  Jenny McCarthy!  Roger Corman!  Lance Henrickson!  Wait.  This seems like a bunch of scrubs, has-beens or people who never will achieve their potential.  I feel cheated.
Scream 4: Dane Cook!  Carrot Top!  Ashley Olsen!  Kim Kardashian!

To Show They’re Hip…
Scream: the killer uses a radical new innovation… the Cell Phone!
Scream 2: Sidney uses caller ID on hr cell phone!
Scream 3: they throw in Jay and Silent Bob.  Even though it totally takes the tension out of the movie and makes it seem like a silly piece of crap
Scream 4: Sidney follows the killer’s movements using http://www.twitter.com/ghostfacekiller.  “The killer is just outside my apartment!  Ooh!  He also posted a link to this really funny article on The Onion!  I’m going to re-tweet!”

Basically, we can expect a super-convoluted reason for the person doing the killing with some crazy link back to the first film.  They’re going to try to be super-cool and hip and techno using all sorts of internet buzzwords to seem current.  They going to find some way to force Jamie Kennedy down our throats again.  They may very well kill of Neve Campbell in the beginning, but they won’t have the balls to kill off one of the Arquette couple.  And they won’t be able to populate the cast with any sort of interesting or diverse cast.  It will try to be so, so, so self aware and will seem clever on paper, but won’t play on the screen.

What they should do: Simplify the killer’s story.  Simple homage/copycat.  Make it so he can explain his killing in under two minutes.  Kill off Courteney Cox.  David Arquette’s character is a gimp who will never get anyone that hot again and we need to see that pain.  Plus it makes for more effective chases if he is the one running away.  Make it dark again.  But mainly… don’t puss out.  Kill some people.  Cotton Weary getting killed in part 3 was not ballsy.

Scream 4.  2010.  Be ready for the retread!

Add on:
How Have Part 4’s Historically been in Horror Franchises?

This is the section that actually helps the cause that Scream 4 might be good.  Horror franchises have often followed the path of innovative original, fun follow up, atrocious third entry (usually in 3-D in an effort to be clever and call the entry “Part 3-D” and use silly sight gags in favor of real genuine scares) before a reinvention 4th film.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. Though it was far from the Final Chapter, this entry gave us Corey Feldman hacking into Jason’s head with a machete, Crispin Glover dancing and a well executed horror film.  After the slapstick that was the 3-d 3rd entry, The Final Chapter did all it could to bring a more serious tone back to the film and out some scares back into the franchise.  Part 4 is is generally accepted as one of the best in the series along with part 1 and part 6.

Halloween: The Return of Michael Myers. After Part III went ahead without Michael Myers, they decided to bring Michael Myers back after being blown up in a hospital in Part 2.  It resulted in the third highest rated Halloween film behind Parts 1 & 2 and rejuvenated interest in the series after 6 years of absence.  Sure it spiraled out of control until they brought in Busta Rhymes, but Part 4 was fun.

A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Master. The exception to the rule.  This fourth entry was halfway down the slope after an interesting Part 3, but before the awful part 5 and part 6 where they finally killed off Freddy for good in the always reliable 3-D entry to the series.  Directed by future big shot director Renny Harlin, part 4 wipes out the rest of the dream warriors we met in part 3, along with the interest we held in the series.

Jaws: The Revenge. Again following up the 3-D entry, we get a shark smart enough to helm a new CSI series team.  The shark manages to follow the Brody family from Amity to the Bahamas.  That’s right.  From the ocean, the shark manages to track this woman and her kids from the New England area to the Bahamas.  And he beats the plane there.  Then there’s the big finale in which they stab the shark with a sailboat to kill it.  While its roaring.  Starring Oscar winner Michael Caine.

Leprechaun 4: In Space. You could say that this one is in the Part 4 will suck camp.

Hellraiser: Inferno. The first Hellraiser to go Direct to Video.  Well done.

Saw IV. I tried to remember what happened in this one, but they all kind of run together after the first one.  Jigsaw was kind of dying.  He was old.  He may have died in this one.  He may have died in part 3.  Did anyone really care about him or just the fucked up Rube Goldberg traps he came up with to kill people.

The Next Karate Kid. Turning 50, they thought the “kid” label on Ralph Macchio seemed inappropriate so they brought in two time future Oscar winner Hillary Swank.  You would think Mr. Miyagi + Oscar winner would = genius.  Sadly, it wasn’t so and this proved to be the weak link in the storied Karate Kid franchise.

Bride of Chucky. Oscar Nominee Jennifer Tilly takes on the role of Tiffany in a reinvention of the Cabbage Path Doll kills people movies.  After three movies, they finally stopped trying to make the films scary and make them funny as possible camp films and people took to them.  It was dead even with the first Child’s Play for the most successful entry in the series in the box office.  And you get to see doll sex.  High comedy.

PLUS!  The Biggest Reason we know Scream 4 will be bad… we already know who did it… (at the 8:40 mark)