Should NBC Be Charged With Crimes Against Humanity?

by Kris Hanson

Fed up with NBC’s primetime lineup, Norway (yes, the whole country) has declared war on “The Wanted” by calling it superficial. The country has a beef with the show portraying it as welcoming and open to all terrorists who want to flee the grasp of justice. Norway would like the American populace (who doesn’t know where Norway is) to know that they are trying their best to expel or extradite known terrorist fugitives… and that the makers of “The Wanted” are doo-doo heads.

I applaud Norway (still the whole country) for bringing NBC’s criminal behavior to the forefront. As someone who has suffered through most their lineup when the cable is out, I not only agree with Norway’s assessment of superficiality, but I don’t think they go far enough. There is much more that could be done to stop the menace that NBC poses to the world.

Superficiality, while annoying, is the least of NBC’s crimes. Sure, NBC cranks up the superficiality a tad more than other networks, but every channel is guilty of that… even The History Channel. So let’s take a look at the other crimes that NBC has committed against its viewers, with shows being used as evidence to support the facts. Hopefully, this will be taken to the U.N. and NBC will be charged with crimes against humanity.

Exhibit 1A: Murder of Mirth - 30 Rock

I know I’m going to get rocks (30 of them! Har!) hurled at me by people who want to believe that Tina Fey is funny… but she’s not. Looking baffled in twelve different ways does not make you a comic genius–that’s just me on Saturday mornings. And while Tracy Morgan playing himself as himself from Saturday Night Live may be some sort subliminal performance art, it’s not funny, either. As for Alec Baldwin… well, that would be too easy. The only redeeming quality of “30 Rock” is that there are eight minutes of commercials that squeeze the runtime down to a brisk 22 minutes. Unfortunately, that’s still twenty-two minutes too long.

Exhibit 2F: Philanthropy - The Philanthropist

Why in the name of Zeus would I consider philanthropy a criminal offense? Well, because the show is stupid and I need a place to make fun of it. I think philanthropy is great and everyone should give a little, but it doesn’t make a good show. Why? Philanthropy is usually done at a desk, or in “The Philanthropist’s” case, an outdoor cafe in a non-descript location. Watching some pommy have conversations with people about doing good for an hour is just weak. If the philanthropist in the TV show has as much luck as the philanthropists in the real world, all of his money went into the building of an African dictator’s ivory sofa.

Exhibit 4N: Bodily Harm - The Listener

What’s with all of these “The [something]” titles, anyway? Now I have to say up front that NBC tried to sweep this crime under the rug, as “The Listener” has apparently been canceled. The harm has already been done, however, so it’s still relevant. You may wonder how a show can cause bodily harm, but it’s really not that difficult. Have you ever laughed at something so incredibly stupid that your pancreas bursts ? Well, that’s what “The Listener” does to you. If you’re unsure what the title character is good at–he’s good at listening. He listens so well, in fact, that he can hear events that already happened. Yes, he hears into the past. The fact that NBC smuggled this show in from Canada, makes me consider filing charges against Canada, as well.

Exhibit 8Z: Psychological Torture - America’s Got Talent

At first, it seems like this show should be filed under “bodily harm”, but crippling embarrassment only affects your brain. “America’s Got Talent”… what can be said about this show? Three no-talent hacks judge horribly misinformed people, all while being hosted by a horribly misinformed no-talent hack. Yeah, I don’t get it, either, but that’s what happens multiple times a week on the show! Watching David Hasselhoff visually molest the female contestants while Sharon Osbourne checks her iPhone to make sure she’s still in Ozzy’s will is really hard to watch. Nick Cannon living in fear of Mariah Carey while trying to crack jokes on stage should be funny… but it’s just sad. What about the contestants? The more left unsaid about them, the better.

This seems like a good point to stop presenting evidence and let justice take its course. There really is a lot more evidence to be presented, but it’s just depressing to look at. Very depressing.