The Most Awesome Movie You’ve Never Seen: ZARDOZ

by ThaneEconomou

Director John Boorman made the Academy Award winning, blockbuster film Deliverance. Afterwards, Hollywood gave him a blank check and final cut for whatever story he chose to tell. He chose Zardoz.

Written, directed, and produced by Boorman, this feat of cinema from 1974 tells the tale of Zed (Sean Connery), a killer savage, or “brutal,” in a post-apocalyptic world. So far so good. Did I mention the fact that Connery has a mustache, ponytail, and wears a red Speedo and cowboy boots for the entire movie?

The most awesome film of all time begins when a giant floating stone head flies in from the skies. This is Zardoz. People in red Speedos and cowboy boots, mandatory attire for all brutals, run up and worship it. The head says: “The gun is good! The penis is evil!” Then guns flow out from the Zardoz’s mouth. And all this before the first five minutes are up.

Now the “plot” begins when Connery stows away in the skull of Zardoz and arrives at a utopian society, where woman are often gratuitously topless and the men are super effeminate. These hippies are immortal, and call themselves “Eternals. They take Mr. Connery captive, but are surprised when they find he is capable of getting an erection.

Conseula, a leader of these people, delivers to the Eternals what is basically a Powerpoint presentation. She shows a cartoon of a flaccid penis, and then shows a cartoon picture of an erect penis and says we do not know how to achieve this – due to immortality, of course. Consuela then plays Sean Connery a video of a woman sudsing up her breasts. The Eternals look at his penis. Nothing. She then shows him a video of women mud wrestling. No result. Then Connery looks at Conseula. The group peers down at his crotch with looks of shock and awe. Success!

I could continue describing the plot, but I think it really only makes sense when viewed - how can I put this? - under the influence. So let me bless you with the following moments. Before you say, hey, these are out of context, let me assure you, these didn’t make sense in context either.

- There are various flashbacks scenes of a red Speedo-ed Connery riding on a horse, shooting people with a rifle. He says: “I love the moment of their death when I am one with Zardoz.”

- Connery kills a man. Later, a woman points to a plastic bag with a fetus inside of it. Later, the man is back to being alive.

- One time, a guy walks into a room, speaks backwards, and everyone applauds. This is never explained and never revisited.

- Sean Connery, STILL in his red Speedo, pulls a man around in a rickshaw.

- At dinner, a woman stands up, sings a note, says the monster (Connery) is a mirror, then everyone starts doing jazz hands.

- Sean Connery gets to say the line: “Stay close. Stay within my aura.”

- One group of people in this utopia are called the “Apathetics.” They stand around doing nothing. Connery almost rapes one on a pile of hay. He doesn’t. But later, after they touch him and then lick their hands, they come to life. And then start lesbian kissing each other.

- Another group of people in this utopia are the “Renegades.” They are a bunch of old people in formal wear. Connery gets in a fight with a group of these elderly people. An old woman hits Connery with a crutch.

- Sean Connery in a wedding dress. It’s only for like twenty seconds, but still…

- And then the end. Sean Connery blows up a crystal, allowing everyone to die, and the brutals run in and shoot people for five minutes straight. Then Connery and Consuela run into a cave. Cut to: Consuela giving birth. Cut to: Connery and Consuela holding hands, with a kid nearby. Cut to: Connery, with a long white beard, holding hands with an old Consuela. Cut to: Two skeletons holding hands. Then the skeletons disappear, and the movie ends.

How do you, as John Boorman, write a movie like this, and fight endlessly to have it made according to your vision? How do you, as Sean Connery, get up every morning, put on your red Speedo and cowboy boots and not question your life choices?

These questions are not answered in Zardoz. In fact, no questions are ever answered in Zardoz. But ladies and gentlemen, you simply have not lived until you have seen the most awesome movie you’ve never seen. Zardoz.