The Most Awesome Movie You’ve Never Seen: MISS CAST AWAY

by ThaneEconomou

Sometimes a movie is so bad it’s good. Well, this movie is so horrifically atrocious that it is officially the most awesome movie you’ve never seen.

Released on DVD under the full title Miss Cast Away and the Island Girls, it stars Academy Award nominee Eric Roberts, Evan Marriott (the guy from Joe Millionaire,) and Michael Jackson as Agent MJ. Yeah, you heard right. This film, delayed because of his recent molestation trial, features a cameo by the still alive King of Pop.

The plot is simple. A planeload of beauty pageant contestants crash lands onto an island, discovering a giant pre-historic pig, as well as Noah’s Ark, and its up to the co-captain, the Vatican, and Michael Jackson to stop a band of apes from sailing on the ark, thus causing the end of the world.

This movie is a spoof, much in the vein of Airplane! Except less funny. Criminally less funny. Sometimes Miss Cast Away will spoof comedies, which historically has never worked. Such as when an Austin Powers type character talks about his mojo and grooviness to the Vice-President. The movie isn’t so much satirizing, but literally stealing the joke.

The humor is random, never explained, and hilarious – but I get the sneaking suspicion I’m always laughing at the wrong parts. Like how Miss Spain has no Spanish accent. Or how a girl talks with a poorly computer generated dodo bird. Or how, despite the DVD’s front cover stating “PG rated fun” (even though the film is unrated,) there are numerous lingering shots of the models’ breasts in bikinis, and references to getting high.

Much like Date Movie, Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, and other similar crimes against humanity, this “spoof” is really just a mishmash of pop culture references, thrown against the wall to see if anything sticks. Such as when the main character is bitten by a radioactive spider, then turns into the Incredible Hulk, then shoots electricity out of his hands.

But the real reason to see this cinematic gem is Michael Jackson. He appears for less than two minutes, clearly reading off cue cards, yet it is glorious. Agent MJ works for the Pope, and informs our hero, via hologram from the robot U2Me2, that he must destroy Noah’s Ark. It is as surreal as it sounds.

By the time the ending rolls around, Joe Millionaire is eaten, Jurassic Pork is drowned, Eric Roberts blows up the Ark, the hero rides off on a flying broomstick, a UFO lands filled with CG dodos taking the supermodels with them to space, and you realize that you’ve witnessed a truly miraculous experience.

This movie can be found in the bargain bin at select K-Marts. The DVD features include a behind the scenes featurette of shooting at Neverland Ranch.

Miss Cast Away is the most fun I’ve had watching a movie in at least a four days. You will never forgive yourself for missing out on this tour de force of modern American filmmaking genius. Ladies and gentlemen, you simply have not lived until you’ve seen the most awesome movie you’ve never seen. Miss Cast Away.