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MOVIESThe Most Awesome Movie You’ve Never Seen: U.S. SEALS II: THE ULTIMATE FORCE
by ThaneEconomou
Awesome is a term thrown around these days. When a film is truly awesome, you know it. And you want to watch it again and again. Thus is the case with the hands down most awesome movie ever created: U.S. SEALs II.
Now, I’ve never seen U.S. SEALs Part One, but as I understand it, the sequel has basically nothing in common with the original. The first one was a rip-off of the Charlie Sheen movie Navy SEALs. The sequel is an all out mind fucking dive into a martial arts orgasm. This film is directed by Isaac Florentine, the filmmaking genius behind Bridge of Dragons starring Dolph Lundgren, and a couple of Power Rangers episodes.
The movie begins with a U.S. SEAL attack on some criminals on a dock. Within seconds, machine guns start bursting. Cars on fire crash into the ocean. Our hero, Casey Shepard, back flips off a Jeep while shooting off two guns.
Three years later, a former SEAL named Ratliff kidnaps a kinda hot red head scientist. The Navy says she’s a “world renowned physicist” but we already know she’s smart because she wears glasses. Ratliff blackmails the world, saying he’ll use a nuclear bomb if he isn’t given a billion dollars within 48 hours. An Army general says: “Son of a bitch.” A soldier says: “Roger that, sir.”
The only way to stop him is to find his nemesis. Our hero, Casey, is found welding in a tank top. Casey hates Ratliff because he raped and murdered the daughter of his Japanese sensei, thus causing said sensei to commit ritualistic Japanese suicide. Casey agrees to battle him – but he needs to assemble a team. A montage ensues when he picks up a black guy from a Mortal Kombat movie who is playing billiards in a topless pool hall; a religious, shirtless Native American who is in a prison chain gang; a crazy, old motorcycle enthusiast; a sexy Asian martial artist/romantic interest; an old general; and some other random white guy.
Ratliff is hiding out on an old Russian nuclear testing island, where a methane gas leak has contaminated the island. The old general explains that even one spark, one gunshot, would ignite the whole island. Therefore, they will have to battle without guns, and use only martial arts!
Just a quick note, despite this contrived - yet totally awesome - methane gas leak plot device, Ratliff has a cigarillo in his mouth at all times. I’m just saying…
Anyway, they arrive at the island, and instantly get into an underwater, SCUBA fight. In the sewer systems, the motorcycle enthusiast is immediately impaled. His dying words: “No regrets Casey. No regrets. Just kick some ass.”
And that they do. Right after the Native American steps into a bear trap, an outdoor fight scene begins, and the action is non-stop for the next 45 minutes. Casey wields a samurai sword. The Native American fights with metal chains. The old general uses a paintball gun, filled with acid. The battle commences.
In the end, Casey and Ratliff sword fight in one of cinema’s great scenes. “No regrets Cas,” says Ratliff. “Only thermonuclear revenge.” The final fight scene takes place in the decontamination showers (previously shown for a gratuitous shot of a woman showering). The villain is killed when a sword between his legs is pulled upwards by two characters, thus cutting him in half up the middle.
Sure the acting is amazing. Sure the action is top notch. But nothing beats the sound work. In addition to most of the dialogue being shoddily recorded in postproduction, the sound effects are constant and effective. A classic “whoosh” sound effect can be heard whenever someone kicks or punches. Or salutes. Or drops a hat. Or turns his head. Or flicks a cigarillo.
During the final moments, when a montage shows all the fallen soldiers in front of an American flag, I thought to myself how great it is to be an American. Only here can we watch such amazing, beautiful art. Well, here and Europe where the DVD sold very well.
I say this with the utmost certainty, ladies and gentlemen, you simply have not lived until you’ve seen the most awesome movie you’ve never seen. U.S. SEALs II: The Ultimate Force.
Previously In Thane Economou’s Most Awesome Movie Series:
