The National Lampoon’s Guide to Vampire Series

by Richard

In the still, reflective hours after the Season 2 premiere of HBO’s True Blood, many ravenous fans are turning to the blogosphere in order to battle out the eternal question: which vampire franchise is awesomest? It could very well be True Blood, last summer’s hit series about the legalization of vampires in America. Or it could be the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter novels, which explored the same topic some ten years earlier. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s Twilight, which does need an explanation. If you’ve never heard of Twilight, you’ve probably never heard of the internet, either.

The contenders: Twilight, True Blood, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter

If you are a teenage girl, a middle-aged mom with repressed sexual fantasies or simply a disinterested passenger on a plane who has been forced to listen to teenage girls and middle-aged moms talk about vampires—then we can help. The following is a list of the four requisite qualities of vampire franchises, and how these series stack up against them.

CATEGORY ONE: The Vampire

Twilight’s Edward Cullen, age 104

Stephenie Myer brings on the horror by subjecting Edward to the deadliest and most imaginative of foes—influenza—which necessitates his transformation into the living dead. Appropriately, Edward acquires awe-inspiring powers, like the ability to play piano while surrounded by fog and the ability to look cool while driving a Volvo. More amazing, Edward is able to completely abstain from sex, even when he is being seduced by Bella’s sexy robo-whispers and Kathy Ireland boy-briefs.

True Blood’s Bill Compton, age173

If vampire freaks are blown away by Edward’s baseball skills, it is only because they have yet to discover Bill Compton’s mastery of Wii Golf, which he practices at his kick-ass antebellum mansion between candle-lit bubble baths. Bill’s girlfriend Sookie remains intrigued with him throughout the series, but only because she cannot read his mind, which is filled with the Civil War lectures he gives to neighboring churchgoers. Unlike Edward, who spends his sleepless days and nights learning Portuguese and watching Bella sleep, Bill can sleep anywhere, like under the stairs or in the earth’s cool soil.

Anita Blake’s Jean Claude, age 400+

The ultimate Renaissance man, Jean-Claude is a Master Vampire, strip-club owner, circus performer, patron of the arts, and bisexual lover all rolled into one. In addition, Jean-Claude can: disguise his age, read minds, gain power from sex, hypnotize women with his mellifluous voice, control werewolves, become romantically involved with both sexes despite society’s heteronormative values, and FLY.

Edward and Bill face off in the Sunlight Test

THE WINNER: Edward, because he is the only vampire of the three who can pass the Sunlight Test, which involves putting a vampire into the sun and seeing what happens. Jean-Claude’s skin will start to burn; Bill’s skin will literally catch on fire. But Edward’s skin will secrete a subtle but effecting layer of glitter. Fantastic!

CATEGORY TWO: The Girl

THE WINNER: Twilight’s Bella. Deliberation is fruitless in this category, as Bella may be the most awesome character ever to grace the silver screen. Note that awesome is not being used here in the colloquial sense, but in the literal sense, as moviegoers will actually be in awe of her horridness. Filmmakers paired greasy hair with layered bowling shirts for a reason—because the combination is never not attractive. Only Bella could fail to realize this golden rule.

CATEGORY THREE: The Shape-Shifting Third Wheel

Twilight’s Jacob Black

With his waist-long hair, group of similarly hirsute buddies and comprehensive knowledge of tribal mythology, Jacob Black may seem like your average Native American teenager that can naturally change into animal form. But did you notice that Jacob is also really good at cars, and teeth? Somebody did, because he is scheduled to return with full force in the second installment of Twilight, where he will fight for screen time against the ever-threatening forces of CGI.

True Blood’s Sam Merlotte

Fangirls are quick to point out the similarities between Jacob Black and Sam Merlotte, who can also transform at will into a formidable beast—the canis familiaris (common dog). However, Sam is actually more akin to Bella Swann; did you know they are outfitted by the same stylist? Moreover, Sam and Edward prove kindred spirits when Sam takes part in Edward’s favorite pastime—hovering creepily over his lady-crush as she sleeps. 

Bella and Sam: Shopping Buddies

Anita Blake’s Richard Zeeman

If Sam Merlotte is the poor man’s Jacob Black, then Jacob Black is the poor man’s Richard Zeeman. Not literally, of course, because Richard—Anita’s boyfriend when she’s not with Jean-Claude—teaches junior high for a living. But in all else (attractiveness, intelligence, wolfiness), Richard is alpha. For example, where Jacob fails to lure Bella away from Edward’s charms, Richard makes the best of his situation by agreeing to a ménage à trios with Anita and Jean-Claude. (Unfortunately, this awesome human/human/dog love triangle has been overshadowed in recent years by Marley & Me’s threesome of Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson and Clyde).

WINNER: Sam Merlotte—because he changes into a Bordie Collie. Every time. On purpose.

CATEGORY FOUR: The Stereotyping

Twilight

Fans were amazed to learn that Stephenie Meyer had never been to Forks, Washington prior to writing Twilight, despite her surprisingly accurate characterization of the local scene. Thanks to her jedi-like imagination, the film delivers some of the most impressive racial stereotyping in recent history with its portrayal of the Quileute tribe. You can easily identify a Quileute by his long, straight hair and anachronistic middle-part. And if you cannot find the Quileutes within the confines of their reservation, you may be able to find them fixing your car, developing lifelong irreversible crushes on each other or warning passing beachgoers about vampires with veiled statements and folklore.

Wolves of a feather

True Blood

Stephenie Meyer-esque stereotyping features less prominently in True Blood, as it would seem to conflict with the political ideology the show champions…but that doesn’t mean we can’t dream. For instance, we have been introduced to two Civil War-era characters, and both of them drink blood. So I think it is safe to say that everyone involved in the Civil War drank blood.

Anita Blake

Not since Kevin Kline in French Kiss have we seen such a breathtaking display of stereotyping as we do with Jean-Claude, Anita Blake’s on-again boyfriend who survived sex slavery in his quaint French village in order to become the successful owner of a vampire strip club. Like countless French nobleman before him, Jean-Claude complements his fruity-good looks with feaux leather stretch-pants and lace blouses. Naturally, Jean-Claude has an insatiable, non-discriminating sexual appetite, which he indulges by shacking up with man, woman and beast, kind of like Richard Gere.

WINNER: Twilight

SPOILER: Fans responded so positively to the Quileutes that Stephenie Meyer decided to include even more gross-generalization in her later novels. Check out eclipse for the following stereotypes: Italians, Brazilians, Alaskans, Egyptians, Irish, Romanians.

Winner winner, chicken dinner

ULTIMATE WINNER FOR THE AWESOMEST VAMPIRE FRANCHISE EVER: TWILIGHT.

Sweeping three of the four categories, it is no surprise that Twilight is our ultimate winner, with True Blood finishing up second and Anita Blake a distant third. No other vampire series in recent history has been able to fuse the following factors in perfect harmony… SPARKLES + UNDERWHELMING FASHION + ROBOTIC VOICES + SACCHARINE MUSIC + VOLVO + RACIAL INSENSITIVIY=TWILIGHT