The Newz Room, Vol. 1

by travistack

Our Headlines :

-Christian Slater done with the theatre. Theatres everywhere once again tolerable.

-Lohan Slams Facebook (uses vagina)*

-Colin Farrell says he “doesn’t know” alleged sexual partner. (This does not mean he didn’t fuck her.)

-Isolated man just found out that Jimi Hendrix was dead… Chokes on own vomit.

WENN Headline of the Week (so far):

“Barton tops movie Nudes List” [By the way - I would pay to see her top that list.]

Updates:

It’s hard to find good topical material this weeks as jokes about terrorism and thanksgiving seem either too common or too harsh. Although Thanksgiving is awesome. I love any holiday where it’s acceptable to pour gravy on a sandwich. I’ve tried it other times but my self-respect always seems to get in the way.

…But not during turkey week. I’ll even put mayo and gravy on my leftover sandwiches. I don’t give a shit. It’s how I roll. (Note to Readership: Remind me of this after my first heart-attack.)

Um… In case you weren’t sure Heidi Klum was a little strange, she just told reporters that, as a good luck charm, she carries around a small bag containing every tooth she’s ever lost. Now, I don’t know if it’s good luck, but I personally feel like it’s just shitty to remove currency from the Tooth Fairy economy. Especially during a time of recession. The T.F.R.S. will have to look into that one. (And, OBVIOUSLY, T.F.R.S. stands for the “Tooth-Fairy Revenue Service”… Duh.)

So, it turns out “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas” isn’t a childrens movie. I probably should have looked into that before I brought my five year old nephew to see it.

…My bad. Kid keeps having holocaust dreams; and what am I meant to do, tell him Nazi’s aren’t real and they can’t hurt him? It’s just not true… I mean, they could be under his bed for all I know.

Rosie O’Donnell’s variety show has been pulled because it’s previews were terribly received! Which is great, because that means less competition with the live variety show that I host at the Gorilla Tango Theatre!

In fact, tomorrow night is the last show of the new year! So, if you’re in Chicago, come to the Gorilla Tango Theatre (1919 N. Milwaukee, off Western on the Blue Line), December 3rd at 8:00, and catch the last “Mitzi’s Variety Hour” of 2008! It’s $10 and we’ll have some great acts: Comedians Adam Burke & Bob Palos, Improv Group “Tammi” (featuring members of Mission Improvable) and the fantastic choral stylings of “The Blue Ribbon Glee Club”!

And now that I’ve gotten that shameless plug out of the way…

READ ON for more about: The REAL ending to “The Italian Job” (what actually happened), Steve Guttenberg makes more sequels to mediocre yet entertaining films, Beaver Island secedes from the union, Paris Hilton unable to find distributer for steaming pile of her feces, Another Zoolander but no more Drake Sathers, AND, Bollywood star Amitabh Bachchan sleeps with weaponry.

Michael Caine has revealed what happens after the end of the film “The Italian Job”.

[So, SPOILER ALERT; this might ruin the beauty of "the Italian Job" so don’t read if you don’t want to know.]

Apparently, a sequel was penned in which Croker and the gang turn on the car engine to waste gasoline and balance out the van, which happens, then the gold falls out anyways. At the bottom of the cliff are a bunch of Mafia guys who take the gold and the rest of the film was spent chasing them in small cars.

So… didn’t that sort of shit on the magic of the whole thing?

Tom Selleck, Ted Danson and Steve Guttenberg are all getting together to make another sequel to “Three Men and a Baby”. It’s going to be called “Three Me without Careers”.

Speaking of which, Guttenberg (the Güt-man) is also planning a revival of the Police Academy franchise. Unfortunately, Bobcat Goldthwait is skinny now and he doesn’t scream anymore, so I feel the movie will be somewhat lacking in depth.

Here’s a little known fact (In case you didn’t know this little tid-bit): Mormon leader James Strang once declared himself “King” of Beaver Island, Michigan. He was then shot in the back as he boarded the USS Michigan. It’s amazing that the US Military were able to contain the unbridalled, rebellious power that is a couple mormon living on a tiny island in Lake Michigan. To this day, I’m still surprised the coup didn’t take (which is a long time considering it happened in 1848).

And, just because God has a great sense of humor, Paris Hilton is having problems with production of her second pop album. The issue is that absolutely no record labels are willing to release it.

Too bad. I wonder why that is. I guess integrity is just the “in” thing this year. (Wait… Ben Stiller is making a sequel to Zoolander. Maybe I was wrong about the integrity thing… Maybe people just really hated Paris Hilton’s musical career. Who knows… I don’t think anyone will ever figure it out.)

Bollywood actor Amitabh Bachchan sleeps with a gun for protection. Inversely, however, he is adimantly against using protection while sleeping with his gun because he says it makes his penis feel less sensitive when it goes into the barrel. (If you can’t tell yet, I love jokes where I turn normal verbs into sexual innuendos. Oh, cheesy word-play… You’re fantabulous).

* “Lohan Slams Facebook” is a headline that, you guessed it, appeared on WENN.